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homesick

“I’m homesick—longing for your salvation. I’m waiting for your word of hope”

Psalm 119: 81-82 (the message)

When I settle into the couch, after a long day, with a moments silence, there is a discomfort I sense, that cries eternal. This morning I woke at 4am with anxious thoughts swirling the drain. I tried to go back to sleep, but I have learned in such times, it is useless to try and tell my already tired mind what to do. I have learned it is best to move one emotion, with another emotion and to get up and walk around the house, even though my legs betray me.

So I walked and with a quiet whisper I asked the darkness “God what is it that you are wanting to whisper in this moment of darkness?”

A digging on ancient wells, to sacred places, that my mind has walked over and over across many decades. A quiet place of contemplation that allows his perspective to mark mine. Often it is not one of clarity (although sometimes the direction is starkly evident), mostly its just a knowing and a comfort that reminds my soul not to worry once again.

There is a place within us all, that is rarely talked about at coffee shops or school canteens, it is a depth of knowing that once dug into cannot be contained. There is a ocean of peace awaiting discovery.

And the longing that sits within the veil of success and performance, just behind the nods of approval from loved ones and friends, it is a homesickness that calls us deeper. It draws us again and again if we dare to listen.

“I’m homesick—longing for your salvation. I’m waiting for your word of hope”

As I dive into these places of longing, I remember the birthright of my salvation. It is a place of peace and authority, strength and fortitude.

At the beginning of 2020 I wrote three sentences from this sacred 4am secret place and yesterday once again I was reminded of the courage God was inviting us into for a strange and complex year.

Seek his presence over perfection.

Seek courage over certainty

Seek his ways over the worlds.

1st Jan, 2020

With a little perspective I now know why these words were whispered into my heart at a 4am, digging wells moment. A place of clarity and peace, amid the rubbles. You see 2020 has carried with it the birth pains of a world in chaos, but my personal world has been ravaged, by the diagnosis on May 25, that my Dad has a terminal illness.

He has motor nueron disease, and although this disease can be slow for some, its path cannot be mapped or measured. And his path is a ferocious one.

In three months he has lost the use of his legs and arms. Moving him from his 5 bedroom home, close by his favourite coffee shops and the beach, was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

This week I took him out for a day date for churros and indian curry, but sitting surrounded by crowds of people feeding my 69 year old Dad, was both a privilege and deeply painful.

Every day, there is a new challenge, whether it’s the COVID season and the complexity of caring for our elderly, or managing his bills, pain medications and frustrations. My parents are divorced, so there is another layer of difficulty and the list continues.

And then I come back to Psalm 119, as I have been across this season.

I am drawn back to this ancient well to search out the artisan spring of peace and comfort awaiting.

I remember the words of CS Lewis when he sings to my soul reminding me that…

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud.

CS LEWIS

Dig again my dear friend.

Even if the season is a tiring one.

Dig again my fellow sojourner.

Even if the task seems insurmountable.

Dig again.

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