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the more you control the more out of control things will be.

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Today I am really tired. Like I just want to sleep all afternoon, tired.

It seems sometimes in the in-between the less I do, the more tired I feel. Is it possible that all those years of stress and striving have accumulated a sleep debt that is never satisfied?

How motivated can one be by packing away the toys again?

Lately I have discovered a trust dialogue that has been warring on my insides. How can I really trust that everything is going to work out, when time and time before I have prayed, trusted and the result has been far from good?

Maybe I just shouldn’t write today.

That seems to be my answer at the moment to the out of control feelings, I have swirling inside of me.

If I just stop dreaming, hoping, then maybe I won’t feel these emotions rising up from the very depths of my heart, disappointed in days that have gone by.

Then the whisper comes.

{Hope again.}

{Trust again.}

{You never know.}

{What if?}

{Have a go…}

This whisper reminds me that the more I try to control outcomes, the more out of control everything feels. When I stop, breath, contemplate, meditate and trust in something beyond my own knowledge a peace seems to come that transcends my understanding. You see when we try to control the outcomes of our days, we make them small and attainable. The smaller the idea, the smaller the circle of influence, the smaller I feel, the more I can control the result. The problem with this, it is a never ending control circle.

You cannot live a life of change and influence, if you spend your days trying to play it safe.

And at the moment, I feel very far from safe.

At the moment, everything feels out of control and I am unable to catch a breath that feels comfortable.

It is like the walk of the in-between takes us to a trapeze of faith. It firstly asks us to hold on and let go, swinging out to a place we have never been before. Then suddenly faith asks that in that place of discomfort, that we let go of the bar and catch hold of a random performers legs and swing a little more.

That is what my season feels like at the moment.

Like I am leaping towards a trapeze artist and hoping that they catch me as I fall. Swinging out into a place I have never walked before and it feels so unsafe.

I cannot explain why I trust God, but I do.

I often feel unsure of whether He will catch me.

You know what sometimes he hasn’t.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

Maya Angelou

I have many questions from prayers that have been left unanswered, people who have promised things that they didn’t follow through on, times when I have not been able to count on peoples word.

Yet I still live a life where I throw myself into new seasons like that trapeze leap.

I will not be reduced by what has happened in my past.

I will not be contained by people who have tried to contain me.

Are you playing it too safe in your in-between?

Do you struggle to trust friends?

family?

colleagues?

God?

I know how that feels.

People who live their lives trying desperately to control the outcomes so that they don’t get hurt, people who stay in the safe zone unable to entrust another to bring something new, will never know the absolute delight of living day to day in the freedom of a life lived sown.

When you control everything so you know every outcome, you will never feel the pure thrill of being surprised by life.

When you hold onto every idea so tightly and don’t entrust another in the room to step up and bring forth something new, you keep the potential of the future contained in your fear.

We are living in days where we are taking huge leaps in our hearts and lives, trusting that not only we will be caught in the leap, but a big trampoline will cushion us if we fall.

I don’t know the outcome of the days we are facing, but I do know that I walk with a God who brings all things together for good.

I just know it.

He has gone before us.

He knows.

So I choose to let go of control.

So I choose to step forward in faith.

So I choose to live a life that serves a bigger purpose than my own safety.

Because in that place, I am truly me.

In that place I am living a life well sown.

In that unsafe place I live a life of adventure, potential and brilliance.

Even if we fail.

I will not control outcomes anymore.

I am living a life that is out of control.

I am not loving it yet, but someday I will be grateful for these days of faith.

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finding my humble in the in-between

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Today the thought of changing another nappy does my head in. Other days I don’t think, I just do but today, I can’t even. There is something about the in-between that teaches every person who acknowledges their place there, a lesson in humility.

Humility, what a funny word, with so many perceived meanings.

Popular culture seems to perpetuate the lie that it is about making ourselves less, so another can shine.

The church makes it out as if we tell everyone how bad we are, then we can step back and let Jesus shine.

Families may tell us, it is about keeping our opinions to ourselves.

I have found however that humility is not about telling everyone how bad we are, but in actuality talking about ourselves less.

Thinking about ourselves less.

Seeing the world through another perspective.

We can live a very quiet life, but a proud one.

Or we can live a very loud one, that is extremely humble.

Social media perpetuates the myth that we can do, be, promote, design, lie our way out of every situation and make everything filtered again.

No matter how much we filter, no matter how often we edit, at the end of the day, we still go to bed with our own conversations rattling around our heads and see the world through our own experience and pain.

As much as the world of nappies and midday sleeps is challenging my patience today, I am so glad that I have the opportunity to take stock in my in-between.

As I hung out the washing on the line today, I breathed deep and smelled the ocean, so glad that I had the opportunity to stand outside in my jeans and bare feet, rather than sitting in an office in my high heels and suit.

My place of humility is changing me.

My season of hidden-ness is opening my eyes to the story of another.

My days of novice motherhood are creating a well worn track of prayer to my Father, teaching me his will above my own.

No matter your social status or how powerful you feel you are. We are all equal. We came here by birth and we will leave by death. The in-between gives us a little breather to find truly what we are living for.

The possibility to choose beyond self in the in-between, even when we are grasping to find our own identity is the most defining of days.

I am learning to think of myself less and look out for another in my in-between.

I am starting to listen more to someone else, than to sprout my own ideas and opinions.

I am responding quicker out of obedience to My Picnic King when he asks me to run away and pray.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.

Philippians 2: 3

This is not the way of this world. This stands against everything that social media promotes. This my friend is a worthy pursuit in our season of waiting.

When we realise our worth with confidence, yet love everyone without any judgement or prejudice we step a little closer to living a life of brilliance.

Humility is not when we step back and hide in a conversation telling everyone how bland we are, it is knowing our worth and the equality we hold with every person present, but not needing to put our hand up and fight.

When we embrace the in-between with two hands and kiss its potential, we walk towards the defining moment where we understand that our worth is not based in what we do, but in whom we serve.

We begin to dream again knowing that a full calendar does not equal a successful life and a quiet disposition can be the most fulfilling of pursuits.

We live days of hidden-ness, discovering the depth of who we truly are without anyone giving us accolades, encouragement or high fives.

Big does not always mean better.

Busy does not always mean happy.

Money does not always equate satisfaction.

A little beach shack, a little coffee, a deep breath of sea air, a cup of tea with a friend, lots of prayer and time to think. These are becoming my favourite pursuits of a quiet life.

My ambition is slowing and my heart is breathing deeply again.

Humility is teaching me some fine lessons in this place of quiet.

A call to surrender my will and seek His will a little more.

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Finding Shelter in the midst of the storm

Fremantle, inspiration

Fremantle, inspiration

Many people don’t understand the place of transition, because they struggle to give priority to placement in their season. Some people live in their tomorrow, hoping, dreaming, vision casting and wishing away their today. Most people live in their yesterday reframing their every detail by what has gone before. There are a small group of wandering souls, that live in their today, who are learning from their yesterday and are hopeful for their tomorrow.

Storms come and storms go, times when we feel like every little piece of the universe is throwing its absolute best to derail us.

I find transition seasons bring unforeseen storms that try to unsettle us.

Are you in a storm?

I see you.

Lately, I have been spellbound as I have been reading Padraig O Tuama’s book In the Shelter, finding a place in the world. He is a poet, that is seeking a new way to find his shelter in the world. His words are full of beauty, life and hope. He takes his readers on a journey of discovery acknowledging every place that we find ourselves captive in.

A place of disapointment,

A place of deferred hope,

He speaks to the forgotten, the displaced, the wanderers and the dreamers.

He says hello to each and every one of us, giving place and priority to the seasons we find ourselves in.

He quotes David Wagoner;

“Stand Still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you.

Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here.

And you must treat it as a powerful stranger.”

Padrig goes onto to say;

“The truth of this poem is an old truth. There are places you wish to go, there are places you desperately wish you never left, there are places you imagine you should be, and there is a place called here.”

We need to stand still in our here and acknowledge it’s emotion. Shame often stops us from really admitting to ourselves what is happening in our today. Unless we name it, unless we confront it, unless we say hello to the truth of our place, we struggle to find a safe shelter that protects us from being washed away in it’s storm.

Are you running away from your today?

Are you seeking direction for your tomorrow?

Are you desperately trying to recover your dignity from your yesterday?

I say hello to you, in the place you find yourself in and am praying that you find shelter in the midst of your storm.

The only way I have found any sense of peace in my place of transition, is awaiting on direction and hope from One who protects, guides and brings his acknowledgement of my storm.

Psalm 91: 1-2 has become one of my resting places;

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!”

He is our refuge,

He is our shelter,

His shadow casts a rim of protection that guides and leads me in the midst of my personal storms.

He is not only a shelter, he is a fortress that builds up and around me as I seek placement in times of uncertainty.

The reason I can say this, is because the more I learn, the more I experience, the more I delve deeper into relationship with Him, the more He proves faithful.

Every step along the way.

Every moment that I am unsure.

Every time I get it a little wrong.

Every time I get it a lot wrong.

He is constant. He is steady. He is waiting to guide me back to a place that brings hope, even when I feel hopeless.

No matter where you are today, I believe you are seen and known.

That storm will not take you out.

Dig deep my friend.

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The title Mum, does not define me.

coffee flowers life
coffee flowers life
Spring is Awakening.

If you have been reading this series from the beginning, you may be mistaken if you think ‘The in-between’ is a negative place. Our society, our politicians, our schools, our churches, our parents and our history books, all place emphasis on the seasons in our lives when we “achieve something”.

Seasons that hold definition in our hands, when we answer the question “What do you do?” with a clear and concise answer.

I do believe we need a sense of purpose to navigate our days with strength. I have found that once in a life time days bring height and depth to the rhythm of my life. Like that day when I got my BA from University and it signified the times that I pulled through and actually finished something. That day when I signed a mortgage to buy a little beach shack by myself, clarifying all the saving, hoping and trusting. That day when I held my son in my arms, with tears that flowed for all the days I was told I would never be a Mother.

Big days do matter.

But, the big days do not define the summation of our lives.

There are many more inconsequential ones, than there are big ones.

When we allow the definition of our days to define us, we live vicariously through the emotions that the days represent.

If you have assumed, that because I sense a season of transition in my life, that I am unsatisfied in being a stay at home Mum, you are wrong.

Everything about this season of Novice Motherhood is deeply stained with everyday miracles and the awakening of beauty.

I am not wishing these days away, waiting for the next.

I am not hoping that someone would transport me into the future.

I am soaking up every delicious early morning kiss and tantrum that challenges me.

You see, I am no longer defined by your descriptions of me, like I was in the past.

When I write creative person; most of us assume weird, crazy and fringe.

When I speak about teachers; there is a type that categorises those who gather our children to learn.

When I say accountant; society places a stereotype of glasses, beige pants and frugality.

When I reference single mother; assumptions cloud our view assuming the mistakes they have made.

When I hang out with a homosexual person; so many judgements and prejudices have already been assumed.

When I think about priests; popular culture and story after story of terrible acts creates our picture of them.

The most amazing opportunity in our in-between season though, is to break from free the categories we are placed in and revolutionise them by breaking the boxes that humanity tries to fit us into.

The in-between is actually the most liberating place.

I am one hundred percent content in describing myself as a “Stay at home Mum”

At the same time I can describe myself as a “Writer”

I could describe myself as a “Pastor or Preacher”

I could say that I am a “Creative Consultant”

I could write a “Social Media Ninja”

I am also “Head Cheer Leader for Team V” and “Head Chef at Villa La Shack”…

The list goes on and on.

The greatest lie that the in-between tries to convince us of, is that our titles, our prefixes, our assumptions; define us.

I am whispering to you loudly…they do not.

Whether you have a title, whether you have a degree, whether you are a parent, whether you are divorced, whether you are forgotten, lost, broken, forsaken; a title does not give you worth.

That’s why I laugh openly when people introduce themselves or describe people by their job description and create a hierarchy of worth.

In the circles that I hang out with often there is a priority of what people do in association to their titles.

Number one; speaker, preacher, pastor, executive… the list goes on.

Number two; missionary, emergent thinker, futurist, author, speaker…

Number three; doctor, university lecturer, theologian and musician.

And then everyone else.

When you introduce yourself with any of the above titles, an immediate assumption is made about how cool you are. How hard core you are. How amazing your life must be.

A life to be revered.

What about the single Mum, who has raised five amazing citizens?

What about the barista that feeds their homeless bestie every morning as they open up their cafe?

What about the social media maverick who is communicating to hundreds of thousands of phones with hope and purpose?

You see Job descriptions actually do not describe the worth of our life.

We can find satisfaction in them, but we are constantly dissatisfied from them because seasons change, we change, we become.

The title Mum does not define me.

It totally amazes me, but I am doing my absolute best to not let it contain me. I am present to the season it avails me, but I will not let it hold me back from bringing my very best and a sense of purpose to my future.

My kids are not my job description they are my absolute priority, they are a part of me, they are my finest hour.

They are not asking me to stop being me though.

They compel me to bring forth my greatest work.

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but what if I fail?

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The questions we ask ourselves in seasons of transition are more important than any decision we make. Every question we ask, demands an answer. We think, we ponder, we control, we naturally do everything we can to find safety.

There is nothing safe about change.

It brings out every insecurity, it re-surfaces moments of broken trust, change digs deep into the recess of our souls and leaves us asking why?

It doesn’t matter whether you thrive on change or not, it demands attention from our soul and asks that we reorientate ourselves back to safer shores.

It is like we are hardwired for place;

home.

comfort.

safety.

belonging.

Change mixes up every part of our worlds and it takes time to surrender to its call.

My husband and I spent a large proportion of today dreaming. You can’t step out of an atmosphere like SPARC and come back to your everyday the same.

We drove, we planned, we brainstormed, we called real estate agents, we looked at property, we explored.

One part of my heart was expectant and excited about the amazing possibilities for our tomorrow. The other part of my person was quaking with fear.

This was the question that revelled in my deepest place;

“But what if we fail?”

I tried to answer that question with statements such as;

“It’s only money.”

“At least we can say we lived on the edge”

“The creative ride will be worth it, no matter the result”

Another question cheekily raised its hand though and whispered;

“Oh my darling, but what if you fly?”

We need wisdom, we need accountability in our in-between times when we step out to wider shores, but nothing spectacular is pulled off without a huge amount of risk.

That is what is so amazing about the in-between, if we surrender to unsafe thoughts, if we dream vivid dreams, if we loosen the control, if we seek a greater perspective, if we dare to become all that we have the capacity to become, we might just do something that changes the world.

We need a fair amount of courage as a couple right now.

We need a deep soaking of grace.

We need friends who will believe in us, when we are not sure that we believe anymore.

Last weekend at the conference Erwin Mc Manus said this;

“If you don’t feel afraid, you are not living a big enough life.”

We are feeling pretty scared right now.

And that is the power of the in-between.

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