Today I am really tired. Like I just want to sleep all afternoon, tired.
It seems sometimes in the in-between the less I do, the more tired I feel. Is it possible that all those years of stress and striving have accumulated a sleep debt that is never satisfied?
How motivated can one be by packing away the toys again?
Lately I have discovered a trust dialogue that has been warring on my insides. How can I really trust that everything is going to work out, when time and time before I have prayed, trusted and the result has been far from good?
Maybe I just shouldn’t write today.
That seems to be my answer at the moment to the out of control feelings, I have swirling inside of me.
If I just stop dreaming, hoping, then maybe I won’t feel these emotions rising up from the very depths of my heart, disappointed in days that have gone by.
Then the whisper comes.
{Hope again.}
{Trust again.}
{You never know.}
{What if?}
{Have a go…}
This whisper reminds me that the more I try to control outcomes, the more out of control everything feels. When I stop, breath, contemplate, meditate and trust in something beyond my own knowledge a peace seems to come that transcends my understanding. You see when we try to control the outcomes of our days, we make them small and attainable. The smaller the idea, the smaller the circle of influence, the smaller I feel, the more I can control the result. The problem with this, it is a never ending control circle.
You cannot live a life of change and influence, if you spend your days trying to play it safe.
And at the moment, I feel very far from safe.
At the moment, everything feels out of control and I am unable to catch a breath that feels comfortable.
It is like the walk of the in-between takes us to a trapeze of faith. It firstly asks us to hold on and let go, swinging out to a place we have never been before. Then suddenly faith asks that in that place of discomfort, that we let go of the bar and catch hold of a random performers legs and swing a little more.
That is what my season feels like at the moment.
Like I am leaping towards a trapeze artist and hoping that they catch me as I fall. Swinging out into a place I have never walked before and it feels so unsafe.
I cannot explain why I trust God, but I do.
I often feel unsure of whether He will catch me.
You know what sometimes he hasn’t.
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
Maya Angelou
I have many questions from prayers that have been left unanswered, people who have promised things that they didn’t follow through on, times when I have not been able to count on peoples word.
Yet I still live a life where I throw myself into new seasons like that trapeze leap.
I will not be reduced by what has happened in my past.
I will not be contained by people who have tried to contain me.
Are you playing it too safe in your in-between?
Do you struggle to trust friends?
family?
colleagues?
God?
I know how that feels.
People who live their lives trying desperately to control the outcomes so that they don’t get hurt, people who stay in the safe zone unable to entrust another to bring something new, will never know the absolute delight of living day to day in the freedom of a life lived sown.
When you control everything so you know every outcome, you will never feel the pure thrill of being surprised by life.
When you hold onto every idea so tightly and don’t entrust another in the room to step up and bring forth something new, you keep the potential of the future contained in your fear.
We are living in days where we are taking huge leaps in our hearts and lives, trusting that not only we will be caught in the leap, but a big trampoline will cushion us if we fall.
I don’t know the outcome of the days we are facing, but I do know that I walk with a God who brings all things together for good.
I just know it.
He has gone before us.
He knows.
So I choose to let go of control.
So I choose to step forward in faith.
So I choose to live a life that serves a bigger purpose than my own safety.
Because in that place, I am truly me.
In that place I am living a life well sown.
In that unsafe place I live a life of adventure, potential and brilliance.
Even if we fail.
I will not control outcomes anymore.
I am living a life that is out of control.
I am not loving it yet, but someday I will be grateful for these days of faith.
