more me less mum.

‘She knelt on the floor in the shower all but fifteen years young, begging God to allow her to be a Mum, to have a family, someone to hold and call her own. The tears dripped down her face, flushed with the rush of the shower, hoping no-one would hear her sobs. She grasped her hands together and started to say the rosary the only prayer she knew, the only words she could utter. Years later she found herself in the same position of promise. A cry, an act of desperation, praying words just like a conversation. On the floor of the shack she had just bought in the place she grew up. A few steps from the beach, yet it felt miles away from anywhere she knew. Twenty years had passed, long, beautiful, expectant years that she had waited for the promise to come to pass. The echoes of her cries must have shaken the heavens somewhat, because not soon after she became friends with someone, who would become her partner, the father to her children, an awakening of a dream realised.’

These two stories in my life couldn’t feel more fresh today than the twenty five years that have passed since their inception. As a teenager, I prayed and waited. As a young adult I worked and waited, As an adult I tried to not grown cynical and I waited.

Today I find myself in the season that I begged for years to come to pass, yet I am learning more lessons here in my dream realised than anything I could have imagined. I have been reminding myself of this simple principle. Sowing and reaping. Often we associate this principle with financial gain, but I have found it so present in so much more of my life. Words encouragement I sow today, are reaped in my future. Prayers I have sown, reap benefits and promise in my tomorrow. Unforgiveness that I sow in my today, ends in bitterness in my tomorrow. Believing the best in someone today, reaps friendship in my tomorrow.

The list goes on and on.

I have been silenced lately to think about what I am sowing today.

Am I sowing rest, recovery, beauty, letting go, living large in my today, so I can reap the benefit of promise in my tomorrow.

One line I have found floating to the surface is this…

‘More me, less Mum’.

Personally for me, this is about self-care. It is about doing things in my today to benefit my tomorrow. It is reading great articles and books, not necessarily just about motherhood, but about me as a person, about me as a wife, about me as a creative soul.

It is about saying yes to time by myself and accepting the change when it comes rather than feeling guilty.

It means leaving the dishes undone so that I can rest, create or just be, when my children sleep.

It means not losing myself completely in motherhood. This is not a selfish act, I am a better Mum, when I discover who I am outside of the role of motherhood. I am still a writer, I am firstly a wife, I am a communicator. The role of Motherhood is an all encompassing one, but it is okay to walk out of the house somedays without food plastered over my clothes and it is okay to take time to do something for myself, rather than everyone else all the time.

This week I picked up my knitting needles again for the first time in a long time and decided to make myself a cardigan. It has my brain captured. I am learning, I am doing something for myself. Some may call me selfish but I know it’s smart.

When I take time out to discover who I am as a child of God, outside of all the roles, the names, the positions, the obligations that other people place on me. I become a whole person. A centred person. Someone who allows the words of my Father to sow life into my tomorrow rather than the validation of others.

So for now.

This is what I am sowing.

Life

Love

Colour

Intention

Opportunity

Quiet

Forgiveness

Rest

Recovery

To myself.

And out of that place is where I will give to others.

Filling my tank with worthy and good things today, so that my family may reap tomorrow.

How about you?