Realising that I care too much

Late at night on Wednesday I started another conversation with my husband that was so risky. It went a little like this.

I said “Hey Charl, why do you think I care so much about what other people think?”

Silence,

Echo,

{Did I actually say that thought out loud?}

He said “Not sure love, but yes you value often what the crowd says, more than those who are in your gang.”

Deep breath,

The vulnerability dance.

One of the greatest awakenings I have been having in my life of late, is the realisation that I do everything I can to escape pain.

The pain of exercise,

The pain of saying no to myself when I want to numb with food,

The pain of saying no to someone when all I want to do is say I will help.

Pain avoidance is one of the greatest challenges to finishing Brene Brown’s book from our online book club. I didn’t want to finish it, because I didn’t want to feel the pain of the words she pierced my numbing mechanisms to keep all my plates spinning.

My plates spin,

I keep myself busy to stay connected to the world,

But my writing and our book club worlds have been drawing me deeper into a place of contemplation and recognition.

Recognising that I really am deeply a people pleaser, that wants approval.

Recognising that I care way too much what people in the crowd think of me often at the complete disregard of those in my cheer squad.

Recognising that I numb the pain, when I do something brave, when I find my voice, when I create and people criticise me.

Recognising that shame patterns I learnt from a very young age, have created a fight or flight pattern in my relationships.

Recognising that I am deeply flawed but perfectly imperfect.

This month and this book have been transformational.  (Brene would say revolutionary) For me transformation, is when shifts start to occur so deeply that irrevocable change happens.

My writing is so often linked with creative pursuit, but this year has leaned more towards relationships and emotional wellness. The funny thing is they are linked so intrinsically and her book Rising Strong has confirmed this on so many levels.

I feel like I am just at the beginning of a curious journey that is helping me to not be afraid of my Wholehearted ninja self, to embrace my Hangry Bear and to step back and find perspective in the midst of my everyday.

I didn’t expect to be unpacking it all in front of you my readers and I also didn’t think I would actually finish the book. But yesterday I sat myself down at a beautician, I got myself a pedicure, I left my phone at home, I picked up a favourite little something for lunch and I finished her damn book.

I rose through the pain of its truth.

I found strength in the finish.

I looked for help beyond myself.

I faced my fear and fell forward.

Why did I struggle so much with this book?

Because I fail so often.

Because I have been hurt and let down before.

Because I have expectations that are so often not met.

Because I care so damn much all the time, but I am wanting to be a little more care free.

As a leader, as a speaker, as a writer, as a novice mum, as a wife, my expectations of others have been so formed by the unrealistic expectations I have of myself.

I am pretty sure I am still facing the aftermath of the truth I have read and processed here through the month of October and I am sure I will need to go find a someone professional to help me reframe some of the revelations with perspective.

I do know some prayers that I want to now pray, asking God for his wisdom and strength.

A question for our book club;

What is one emotion that this series of writing or the book has made you more aware of during October? Shame, embarrassment, curiosity, anger, grief?

And to tie it all together a final something from Brene… (if you would like a print out click here)

There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers

Than those of us who are willing to fall Because we have learned how to rise.

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;

We choose owning our stories of struggle, Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending. When we deny our stories, they define us.

When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives. We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power. Story is our way home.

Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong

Thanks for being kind to me as I walked out this journey here on my online space. Thank you to Elaine and Jodie for being my whole hearted honest partners in what turned out to be quite a unique journey together. Lastly to Brene, Im not sure I like you anymore. I’m sure my friends and family will love you in the future, but right now your words have hit a deep and painful chord.

Can’t wait to tell you about my series for November.

“Finding Legacy, a countdown to the launch of our not for profit.”