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what is love?

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There are many days that I find it difficult to explain love.

Days when I have been betrayed by a friend who I thought had my back,

Days when I am so tired from being a Mum of two, that my legs drag and my heart aches,

Days when I am confused by words, trying to decipher between their lies and secrets held.

Love is not easy to explain, because I think culturally it has been expressed as a feeling, rather than an action.

We say it’s love; when we feel caught up in the emotion of infatuation…

We say it’s love; when we receive something of worth…

Love is in fact the way we act when we have nothing left to give but ourselves.

Love is the moment we say yes, when everything within us wants to say no.

Love is believing the best, love is accepting a difference of opinion, love is holding on when everything in your heart wants to let go.

Love is saying sorry when it hurts, love is finding a way to let go when you think about that situation over and over.

Love is not subjective, love does not have boundaries of race, gender, age or disability.

Love is way beyond an emotion.

Today is the one day that I find myself overwhelmed by love.

A day of reflection, a day of betrayal, a day of sacrifice.

One of the greatest scenes in the Easter story is the one where Jesus hangs between two thieves and he gasps ‘Not my will be done but yours.’

He didn’t want to walk the path towards death. He laid down his will, to prefer another.

Throughout the centuries, the cross has been used as a tool of judgement, a tool of shame, a symbol of exclusion, used to deny people access to the Father through works.

This goes against the very fibre of what the cross actually signifies.

No matter where you stand today surrounding and watching the Easter story unfold. Whether you think it is a fable, whether you feel excluded and stand in its shadow, whether you feel disappointed by its terrible historical implications, whether you are indifferent…

Today in my view the cross equals love.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

From one who was betrayed, to one who was crucified, to one who sacrificed his life to prefer another…

This is love.

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i admire…

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Admiration is a beautiful opportunity in a world full of so much judgement.

I admire people for many different reasons…

Mostly silently whilst I walk the shops, times when I sit and watch a documentary, sometimes at the beach as someone walks past slowly.

I admire single parents. I cannot imagine the late nights, with a sick child alone, those times when there is no one to hold your hand, when you wait for answers from the doctors. I admire your tenacity, I admire how you keep on going. I admire the two jobs you juggle just to make ends meet. If you are a single parent, I have never judged or discounted your opinion, I admire every single part of your being.

I admire people over eighty. Even when they are a little cranky, I kind of like it. They have so much perspective to give. I ask my Grandmother questions all the time. Most responses come with a roll of her eyes, but I know secretly she loves it and even more than that I know she appreciates my attention. I especially love watching old people in love. It does something to my soul that I cannot explain. Seeing an elderly man, grab the hand of his silver haired lover, makes my heart race with romance and hope for the future.

I admire creative entrepreneurs. Writers, dancers, poets, social media content creators, film students. Anyone taking their view of the world and having a go. Anyone, who has written something and dared to press publish. Any one who has gone back to university in pursuit of realising their dreams. I admire the creative folk, who celebrate another persons weird. Who don’t back bite, compete, copy and compare. Who just run their race and make things happen. I admire the risk takers, the music makers, the mummy bloggers, the dance teachers. I think you are all rad.

I admire my husband and his work colleagues, who spend their days with young people at risk. People who take a chance on a young adult, who has attitude to boot and opinions bigger than the bell tower. I admire youth workers, youth chaplains, youth pastors, youth leaders, youth juvenile officers, social workers. People who create opportunities for the future of our nation to find freedom in the beauty of living a simple and moral life.

I admire cleaners. I watch and thank janitors, rubbish men and food hall cleaners all the time. I appreciate their attention to detail. I appreciate how hard they work for their families. I am humbled by their selflessness in taking time to serve another. Whether they are paid or not, I think they are the salt of the earth. Our country is blessed with the beauty of cleanliness, because someone cared enough to take our over abundance of rubbish away. The event managers, the program coordinators, the production personnel, all the people that create beautiful environments that we enjoy so often without attributing to their efforts.

I admire those in our community who overcome insurmountable odds. The mothers and fathers who have had sick children long term, the parents who were once orphaned who now raise a family with pride. The visually impaired, the hearing challenged, those who have lost limbs, those who have been in tragic accidents. I admire tenacity. I admire pure grit. I admire an overweight person jogging down our beach. I admire people who wear their bikinis with pride after a mastectomy. I admire the depth of the human spirit, to dig deep and push through even when it hurts. I admire people who don’t play the victim but get help and move past the tragedies that have ensnared them.

I admire the everyday person who is honest. Who tells the truth. Who isn’t trying to be something that they are not.

I admire the person who says sorry, who owns their part to play in the breakdown of relationship, who restores, forgives and trusts again.

I admire anyone who has been hurt in love, who loves again.

I admire kind humans. The person that believes the best and loves deeply.

If you are any of these things, it is quite possible I have spent time thinking about how amazing I think you are.

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me

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I’m the kind of girl who walks into a large setting, a big party, a massive event and wishes I could be anywhere else but there. Funny thing is, most of my life I have organised events, parties and big things. It’s like I get overwhelmed and don’t know who to talk to and what to say. The bigger the event, the more awkward you will find me. Until it is an event in it’s thousands, like tens of thousands. Then I float away in the midst of the crowd and love to be carried along.

We live at the beach, but for many years (like over a decade) I hated the beach. I have had to make peace with the beach and it took forever. One of my closest friends died at the beach when I was twenty one and it took years for me to recover. I have never been to the beach where he passed. Ever, and I’m pretty sure I never will.

I have a deep hunger for India, but I have never been there or know anyone there. I dream of travelling there and working, helping people to discover creativity and innovation. Help people discover their immense worth. Somedays from the minute I wake up, till the moment I close my eyes, I dream of distant far of places. This dream feels further away from becoming a reality than ever before in my life.

I love corn. One day after working hard in the slum of Thailand, I was completely overwhelmed from leading a team of creatives running a day camp for children, that I sat despondent just wanting to go home. Wanting to be as far away from that slum as possible. My husband (he was my boyfriend at that stage) went and bought me a corn on the cob and I started to cry. The corn made me feel like home. It made me remember Sunday roasts and corn fields of New Zealand. That one simple act of compassion, made me fall in love with him endlessly.

This is me. In less than five hundred short words.

I am awkward,

I am insecure,

I am brave,

I am colourful,

I am unique,

I am unsure,

I care way to deeply,

I am loyal to the core,

I hunger and dream of a generation who will rise up and advocate for the poor,

I sometimes cannot breathe because I am so invested in an idea and I have to give birth to it,

I am deeply spiritual,

I think way too much,

I hunger and thirst for righteousness,

I believe in love without borders, race, gender or religion,

I struggle with change, but also thrive in the midst of it,

I like to watch a television series, episode upon episode, day upon day, until it is finished,

I really suck at unresolved conflict,

I try desperately to please people,

I like to be alone but I love the company of a friend.

This is me.

In

five hundred

words

Who are you?

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fighting addiction

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My name is Amanda and I have an addictive personality.

The thought of having one coffee and then getting on with my day is foreign. If I like something I want more of it and quickly it becomes a crutch, a place of weakness, an addiction.

Last Easter, I fell in love with a little rabbit. Something so small, that every shop and every checkout seemed to be calling my name. This bunny taunted me. At the petrol station, at cafes, it was everywhere. You could be mistaken to think that this little childish dessert was innocent, but I found them to be evil.

The dessert that has plagued my lenten dreams was this little rabbit. Twenty two thousand people agree with me, that the Cadbury Cream Egg no longer reigns supreme as the Easter bunnies competitor, the malt laden bunny has taken over the race.

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Whether it be coffee, or a fresh loaf of bread from the oven or a Malteaser Bunny at this time of the year, I am trying my best to live a healthier everyday. One of my biggest goals this year is to loose my pregnancy weight.

Healthily.

Full stop.

I stood at the chemist last week and stared at the aisle of diet shakes, reading them intensely wanting to believe the promises they heralded. I wanted a quick fix, a get-the-ball rolling, helping hand. I walked the beach with my man today and we talked about this area of weakness in my life. We talked, we stretched, we exercised.

He reminded me of the pact I had made with myself, earlier this year. He reminded me of the promise. That I would make small changes. Good changes. I would find the areas of addiction in my world and say no to the bunny. I would not make these changes out of a place of negativity and lack, but to pursue health as a great lifestyle choice, that will never end.

I’m not dieting.

I’m not even going to say no to the bunny for good.

But I am facing the areas where emotional eating have become routine and making choices to choose wisely.

What areas of addiction are you facing?

Is it that late night dessert or the whole packet of biscuits?

Is it throwing up after a meal?

Is it a sneaky cigarette?

Is it one or two or maybe four glasses of wine every night?

I ask these questions, not because I want to intrude. I ask these questions, not to evoke shame.

I ask these questions because I struggle too. Being a mumma is hard. Being single is harder. Being alone is ugly sometimes. It is these days that we need community and friends to ask questions that healthily bring us back to a place of equilibrium.

A place of peace.

Best place to start is admitting it to yourself and the greatest, bravest step towards recovery is admitting it to someone else.

Be brave,

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the changing face of friendship

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There is always a time for everything. As one season drifts into another, I find myself reminiscing the old season but hungering for the new.

I love Summer, the long nights, the beach walks, the brilliant sunsets, the days spent in our swimwear hour upon hour. Although Summer makes me smile, I love winter as well. The crochet, the open fires, the slippers, hot water bottles, deep breaths in the morning that fill your lungs with freshness. Winter.

The darker months at my beach shack can be just as enchanting as the hotter ones. Some winters we spend more days at the beach than our January’s. The sun is less brutal, the wind is less fierce and winter is a little more forgiving here.

Personally, I don’t struggle to let go of physical seasons. I love Autumn, the colours. I adore Spring, its potential. Every season woo’s me with it’s beauty.

I do struggle to let go of seasons of friendship however. I grapple to know when the season asks me to dig deep and hold on. Then I wonder whether the time is asking me to give up gracefully. I have kind of always been a super-loyal person, who believes that everyone can be and should be friends over decades rather than years. I struggle to give up on people. I see the best. I ignore the unmet phone calls. I love deeply.

The older I am getting though, the more I am realising, that the best of companions on the journey, are the ones who embrace the season you find yourself in and not try to take you out of it. They take note of the season, they celebrate it and not try to remove you from it and sometimes people are just unable to go the distance, and that is okay.

The season I am currently in, is so different to my former one. If I continually tried to be the person I was a few seasons ago, I would not be able to plant myself and grow in the place I am currently in. I would miss the moments, I would escape the kisses in the early morning hours even though 4am cannot possibly ever be legal, I would let someone else raise my babes.

One of the best gifts we can give our friends, is acknowledgement of their season. Reminding them to keep moving forward and not get stuck in places, they were not designed to remain in.

This whole year, I have been saying over and over to myself. ‘New Days, New Ways.’ I want to be a friend who is aware of the new in my closest friends seasons and encourage it, embrace it, even applaud it.

Let’s not be the kind of friends that compete and compare, holding each other captive in a season that has past. Let’s move forward into the new and embrace the tone of the season. Personally and corporately, together.

One of my favourite poems is from the book of Ecclesiastes…

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What is your current season?

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