Grab a cup of coffee, sit in a circle with me and together let’s repeat…
Hi, my name is Amanda (insert your fabulous name here) and I am a people pleaser.
One of my greatest weaknesses in life is that I care. I care so much, that my brain fogs over with the constant weight of responsibility to make everything in my world okay.
I often text people just to check in on them and when they don’t reply, I think that maybe I’m the one who has done something wrong. People around me behave badly, storm off from conversations and yet I find myself reeling wondering how I could have changed their response. People pleasing is my kryptonite and I am actively seeking change and freedom in this part of my life.
Just this morning, I made our bed and looked underneath my bedside table and realised that a plastic toy gun, that probably landed there mid-flight between my two children wrestling on our bed, has been there for a good two weeks. I can see the dust settling and the eyes rolling, yet for once in my life, I just don’t care anymore.
The non-violence crew, whose opinions are so very valid about our children not having toy guns.
The Marie Kondo fan girls, who think that the gun, because it hasn’t been touched lovingly in over two weeks, then it should be thrown away to the massive plastic rubbish pile.
The non- plastic groupies, who think that the gun should have been made with wood to draw my children away from their evil screens into the forest.
The tribe lists go on and on, then some more.
Tales of A Tuesday Morning
On Tuesday this week, I sat with my daughter on the floor of her dance class. To tell you the honest, raw truth, even though I have been hashtagging #tuesdaysarefordancing , they have been far from jovial. This last Tuesday was the straw that broke this camel’s back. I sat trying to convince my two-year-old to listen to her teacher and she slapped me across my face.
I did what any self- respecting parent would do is sat her in the corner, in front of the whole class full of Mummy and Me experts and I wanted to crawl into a glass of wine for the rest of my life. I quietly asked my beautiful rule breaker to say sorry “For slapping Mummy’s face” and she refused.
So ever so embarrassingly I dragged her out of the class screaming and we drove the whole way home both crying. This is the second time this year that we have done this very thing.
Do you know what hurt me the most about this terrible part of my parenting week?
Was that I was more concerned about what the other Mums thought about me and the embarrassment that chilled right down to my toes. I was so embarrassed that all I wanted to do was pull out of that class and never, ever return.
Often my husband and I have to say to ourselves, she is only two. Two.
Not five, not three yet, two. And two-year-olds break the rules. It is like they are hardwired to piss you off!
I shared this last week on my social media pages and it went a little crazy.
How To Be A Mum in 2017:
Make sure your children’s academic, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, physical, nutritional, and social needs are met while being careful not to overstimulate, understimulate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen-free, processed foods-free, GMO-free, negative energy-free, plastic-free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian but also authoritative, nurturing but fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-story, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a backyard and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two years apart for proper development also don’t forget the coconut oil. (This is why we’re crazy.)
I am realising that one of the greatest difficulties of our social media age, is that we are overwhelmed by all the information that is bombarding us. We are overwhelmed trying too hard to do it all, be it all and keep everyone’s opinions at bay.
Then you add in people pleasing. The peace keepers. The empaths. Those who just want to keep everything okay and that is an important part of their emotional wellbeing and health.
We need wisdom and strength to be able to decipher what is information, what is people pleasing and what opinions we just need to let roll off our hearts and lives.
We need the wisdom to be able to say no when the people pleaser in us just wants to say yes to stop the awkward conversation.
We need the wisdom to stop ourselves from running after someone when they choose to remove themselves from your life.
We need wisdom and strength to reform our self-worth from what others say and do, to be able to sit comfortably in the discomfort of it all.
and most of all self-discovery.
This is my prayer for us sitting in this circle today. That we continue to find strength in those broken parts of ourselves and that most of all, that we are kind to ourselves in the midst of the wrestle.
7 thoughts on “People Pleasers Anon”
Omg YES… just yes. To everything. Hand up, butt in the circle. Learning, growing, stretching ??
Yes. Just yes. Thanks babe. Love this. Lots of grace. Lots of light. X
Big love to you!
Thanks for sharing so honestly, Amanda. I really felt for you when you wrote that you drove home crying and I could relate to that pain. It’s hard work, this parenting gig. I’m glad you can see that it’s not what you’re doing that makes your two year old act in that way. They are just cray cray, plain and simple. I have one daughter who, in the toddler years, obviously got a real thrill from getting an upset/ angry reaction from me. I used to worry that she’d turn into a hardened criminal if I didn’t stamp it out with strong discipline. I’ve mellowed with the others- much calmer and less severe with the punishments and I don’t think any of them will be heading off to juvvy because of it.
One of the most valuable things my husband has taught me (and reminds me of every now and then) is that your job as a parent is not to make your kids obey you. It’s to raise them to be (intrinsically) loving. Whatever they choose to do that doesn’t line up with that, is not a reflection on your parenting. It’s just them exercising the choice they’re entitled to. Just as God is our father, and he has taught us what real, self-sacrificial love is, and gives us the choice to choose to live out that love, or not.
Two year olds are hard. Spirited, free, and in my opinion well-parented 😉 two year olds are infinitely harder. And the fact that your daughter ‘dares’ to slap you in the face, the fact that she feels she can be fully and unapologetically herself around you (even if that means she’s being a ?) means she feels safe and secure. And, in my opinion anyway, it means you are doing a FABULOUS job at being a parent. Power to you, mama ??
You gorgeous girl, I still remember the heat in my cheeks when I had too walk out of things trying to hold my head high & believe you me I got good at it haha when you see that lil glint in their eyes & you recognise their energy is off then those are the days you say f&@k it, routine is out & that’s the day to run around the park, hug like mad, touch the sky with your toes on the swings, roll down hills, slurp milkshakes & eat subway on the boot of the car, saying no & doing as you please is the cool thing about being a sometimes non people pleaser & feels kinda scandalous. Being perfectly imperfect is all the rage 😉 Xxx
So much YES! From a mumma trying to find her way in this crazy world with all expectations just searching to be who I was created to be, made in His image rather than the image of those around me!