Last night I rumbled and wrestled, hardly sleeping the whole night long. It was like I was fighting a battle in my sleep, with enemies such as shame, embarrassment and vulnerability.
I’ll let you in on a little secret after last weeks post about my Hangry Bear, I haven’t posted here, I hadn’t read my Brene Brown Book for this online book club, I shut them all away and pretended that I could just hide away from the reality in my today. I skipped chapter eight in fact and read straight through chapter nine, promising this weekend I would backtrack. I had to get this blog written. I had made a commitment.
I had kept my Hangry Bear at bay all week, until yesterday. With a serendipitous aligning of events, I found myself wrestling all day with feeling embarrassed.
Have you ever felt embarrassed?
Have you done something so brave and it just didn’t pull off?
The funny thing is I speak most weeks on a stage of some kind and every week I have to face the fear of embarrassment and carry on. Although many people think I am extremely confident, I question everything and I see all of the faces. The faces of people who I desperately want to like me. Last week, whilst speaking, I fell off the stage and tripped over my shoe. I cracked a joke and moved on, but when I came home to my little shack, all I wanted to do was hide away and never come back out again.
Lately with my speaking I have been questioning myself over and over. Am I too loud? Am I too passionate? Am I too much?
The too much question, gets me every time. Too strong, Too opinionated, not sweet and palatable. It is like my mouth was designed to provoke. It is like my hands were designed to type questions that dig deep. It is like my heart was called to swim into wide, open passages. It is like my brain was created to keep challenging the status quo.
My heart aches often for those who don’t see their own potential.
My mind battles daily with the tall poppies and the online bullies.
My soul yearns for something more.
I feel way too much and that often causes me to feel embarrassed.
The greatest part of the Book Club we have formed around Brene Brown’s latest book, is that I have become more curious around my emotions. It is like I am stepping back and watching myself react, I am listening to my inner record player and I am learning.
This week I have learnt that embarrassment is often my greatest weakness in the midst of a emotional battle.
If I feel embarrassed, I react strongly. The feeling of shame and being made fun of deeply rocks me.
So back to yesterday, It was a perfect storm of embarrassment for me and it made me wrestle the whole day long. I withdrew from my family, As we stood in the shopping centre I asked them to stop embarrassing me, even though they were doing nothing out of the ordinary. I tried to hide from my husband.
I got angry in my half sleepfulness.
I rumbled with the feeling of failure that overwhelmed me.
Then this morning, as I walked out to my family at breakfast, all I wanted to do was carry on with my distancing dance.
Then something curious got a hold of me.
Over coffee, over eggs prepared by my holidaying husband, I sat down directly opposite him and I quietly spoke. I asked forgiveness for my distance, I explained what parts of my heart felt so vulnerable, I faced the dirt that was making me feel unclean.
I owned my story.
Chapter seven, eight (unread) and nine you have been annoying me.
However, if you are causing me to face my shame and come out clean to those who I can totally trust, then you are worth the wrestle. A rumble that echoes words like transformation, whole hearted living, connectedness, peace, hope and authenticity.
Hoping to write a little more this week.
Maybe that quiet conversation has broken the embarrassment drought and is calling me to process through writing once again.
Question; What emotion have you been made more aware of through this book club, reading Brene’s Book or just reading these posts?
This is one quote that has been ringing through my heart and mind this week;
Happy Weekend My Readers,
May the curious force be with you and may change be following not far behind.