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Things I am ashamed of…

bali shame

There are many things that I have done in my life that I am ashamed of.

Little things
Big things
Forgiven things
Broken things.

Living in that place of shame though is one of the ugliest uses of my mind. I have asked forgiveness, let things go and moved forward in freedom.

It is not that easy for some though.

Just this week I was chatting with my husband and out of the blue a memory from highschool popped into my consciousness. (I honestly can’t believe I’m about to share this story here, because it is one of my most shameful moments of my teenage years but I believe deeply in this being a raw, authentic place of confession and lessons learned)

I remembered the day that a group of my friends, were in a stupid mood and we did something that I now know as one of the most terrible things I could do to someone.

Call it a mob mentality.
Call it wanting to be liked.
Call it immaturity.

It is a story I am deeply grieved by.

It was morning recess at high school, I was in year ten and we were a little bored and a lot of stupid.

We started to bully a boy who was in a younger class than us and we pushed him and his wheelchair towards the common outdoor area. Someone picked up the young boy out of his wheelchair and put him in the big green sulo bin. I remember laughing and walking away and then being terribly remorseful. Here I am today 20 something years later and I remember the overwhelming feeling of shame as I walked away.

I was a bully in highschool.
I wanted to be liked by the cool people.
The pack mentality took over my morals and beliefs about dignity for the common man and I did something so impacting to someone who was unable to even stand by himself.

This week I have been thinking about that young man.

Did I cause him deep emotional distress as an adult?

What is he doing now?

Does he remember the bullies at high school and think of my face as one of his enemies?

We all have shameful seasons in our teenage and young adult lives. It is part of the growing and maturing process, when we acknowledge that we have gone astray and reconcile our sins.

In steps mercy.
In moments of grace.
In lessons learned.
In deep rivers of maturity committing to living our days different.

A terrible story from my highschool days that I regret greatly.

What have you done that you regret?

What is in your past that no one knows about?

What fills you with shame?

We all deserve mercy.
We all deserve grace.
We all have made decisions we regret and deeply long for mercy.

The story of these two men standing on death row in Bali, has moved my heart with mercy this week.

“I Stand for Mercy” for The Mercy Campaign for Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran from TEN ALPHAS on Vimeo.

I stand for mercy because we have all made mistakes.

I was flying out of Bali the morning that these two men were caught in the airport. I was in the airport in the midst of the commotion and I have never forgotten the feeling of what could have been in my life, if I had made different decisions as a teenager. The whole week they were in the hotel next door to me, I could have walked past them without even knowing. In any different circumstances I could have been one of them strapped with drugs, a mule stuck in a pack mentality. A short sighted decision, with the most grave of consequences.

Yes, I hate drugs and the scourge it brings on our community.

Yes, I believe that we should be held accountable for our decisions.

But do I believe that death by firing squad is okay?



I stand for mercy.

I stand for rehabilitation.

I stand for life.

What do you stand for?

Share this video and lets see whether we can help these two guys do the rest of their days different.


5 thoughts on “Things I am ashamed of…

  1. they have gods mercy. Pray for human mercy.

    1. Indeed lyn. Thanks for your time in reading and commenting.

  2. I stand for life, I stand for mercy and grace. Do I believe we all deserve these things?No I don’t. I believe that what makes mercy,mercy and grace, grace, is that they are given despite the fact that we have not done anything to deserve it. I believe that as God’s grace and mercy is given to me in the midst of my shame, we too should extend that grace and mercy to fellow flawed humans. Thanks for your transparency Amanda.

    1. Yes i agree, when i was re reading what i wrote today i was think actually we dont all deserve grace and we dont all deserve mercy but we have been extended them anyway. Thanks for your thoughts dayle i appreciate them.

  3. […] Things I am ashamed of… […]

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