Author: Amanda Viviers

by Kristy Lee Photography

His grainy black slippers speak comfort and grace as he walks through the door. The sun has set, and he starts unpacking his day as he walks from his jeep to the front door. Bag dumped, formal shirt unbuttoned, then he retreats to the shower and then his grainy black slippers complete his daily ritual.

There is something about these simple moments as he says goodbye to the day that reminds me that grace indeed lives here. His work is relentless. The images and stories he retells as we sit next to the fire with wine in hand, I know can never portray the complexity of the hues his eyes have seen.

No simple solutions. Memories fortified for another day. He is home.

Does grace live comfortably in the worn grainy slippers waiting for your loved ones as they arrive home?

Does empathy wait quietly to help them unpack the details of a day sown into the people who require more than they can give?

The most significant gift I can give my husband is the space to process the immensity of his everyday world, in a home that provides the robust energy of grace laced deeply within its walls.

GROWING GRACE

I am learning to allow grace to rise, so my family finds the space it needs to come down from the battle of their everyday world. Grace grows when we mature and allow breathing room in the beauty of our homes.

Changing the way I speak to myself.

Lately, I have been learning that the way I talk to myself changes the way that grace grows in my home. There is an inner critic that can get stuck in an old pattern of thinking and when I listen to this voice rather than speak to myself negativity arises. Do you talk to yourself? Telling yourself what you are. How far you have come. Building yourself up in the truth of what you know to be true. Or do you listen to the voice that thrives on all the things you are not? Changing the way I speak to myself, has been creating a breeding ground for grace to live more comfortably in my home and relationships.

Changing the way I talk to others.

Reframing and counting the power of my words creates the most significant shift in the weightedness of grace in our home. Speaking of the past rather than encouraging change into the future shifts empathy in my everyday. Rather than “You always.” I am learning to strengthen what is positive and bring softer correction to that which is draining. Negativity can breed negativity, and I see so much more grace grow from encouragement and rewarding good behaviour.

Marriage is so daily. There is no respite. In the times that are good and the moments that are sad, you will walk alongside someone who has seen it all.

“And I love that even in the toughest moments when we’re all sweating it – when we’re worried that the bill won’t pass, and it seems lost – Barack never lets himself get distracted by the chatter and the noise. Just like his grandmother, he keeps getting up and moving forward… with patience and wisdom, and courage and grace.”

Michelle Obama

His grainy black slippers remind me each day of how far we have come and when grace lives loud in the way I speak to myself and how I talk to those closest a settledness comes that is unexplainable.

As Michelle states so beautifully of her relationship with Obama as we keep getting up and moving forward with patience, wisdom, courage and grace. These attributes can be the result of marriage lived sown. And when they are growing in our daily life, we can indeed say that grace lives here.

Amanda

An overwhelming shame sits waiting in the wings of my motherhood parade. I miss them terribly when I’m apart from them, but when I spend day after day, chore after chore, a tantrum that turns into full-scale meltdown, I find my reserves waning.

The muddy water that shame brings to my reservoir of empathy implores me to once again sit in a place of reflection searching for clarity. I want desperately to care more about what my children think, rather than the empathy that grips my heart about the world at large. I want my children to know I care more about their fingers that have just caught in the bathroom door, than those images I am shocked by online.

It seems so noble to want to serve the world at large and spend my days trying to escape my everyday. Filling my social media feed with quotes and inspirations. Our lives were not designed to run away from; they were brought together with beautiful attention, detail and purpose.

Do my children know they are the apple of my eye?

Do they know when I am with them that my full presence and attention is theirs alone?

There is so much goodness to be found here on the internet, but the discipline it takes to stay fully present in the empathy of my moment today wears my patience thin. It’s so much easier to read an article about parenting than to implement the discipline required to diffuse the three-year-old time bomb before she turns thirteen.

Can it be both and?

The word nurture means to care for and protect something or someone while they are still growing. This is the call of motherhood. It is not a pretty call. It is not noteworthy, Instagram filter enhanced one, but it is the call that I prayed for year after year.

Each time I say no to the broader call of empathy to engage in the present reality of my every day I realise that nurturing is a lesson my heart needs to learn. I know both are possible and every time I surrender to an invitation to explore the world at large, the beauty that is birthed in my coming and going is profound. When I travel to places and sit in the gutters with families who exist daily with nothing, my perspective shakes and empathy once again tsunami’s my heart.

Everyday empathy is a call to nurture and protect even when we are tired, empty and feel so forgotten. Here I sit once again, reminding myself of moments of stark reality and committing myself to the terror of beginning again.

Shame thrives in darkness.

When we expose it to light, it struggles to stay in its current shape. Maybe the empathy that is required is an extension of understanding to myself, and it will overflow into every part of my world. One of the easiest ways to bring your shadow into light is by just admitting the conversations you are having with yourself.

We’re often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes along with admitting mistakes.

Marianne Williamson

Self Empathy is a love we extend to ourselves, reminding our internal worlds how far we have come and how significant we are. Self Empathy is a balm that soothes over shame and replaces it with grace, reminding your weary soul that tomorrow you can begin again. Self Empathy is a self-love club that every person is invited to join, but many don’t realise the invitation lies unaccepted.

Shame balmed by empathy.

One extended to ourselves.

Amanda Viviers

Empathy comes and goes from my daily life, and it is often frustrated by stories that keep me in old holding patterns. Lately, I have been wondering though if there are steps towards empathy and these layers are outworked through my growth and maturity.

Each time I feel like I have put an old story to bed forever, something small comes along and trips me up. I realised that maybe I didn’t put the dialogue to rest, but I swept it under the carpet without unveiling the root issue.

The first step I have been learning to hurdle is making friends with vulnerability.

Vulnerability

To be vulnerable is to open yourself up to the pain and discomfort of brokenness. Allowing ourselves to breathe in the pain of not having it all together can be the most liberating moment of our lives.

“Confidence flourishes by abandoning the idea that we need to look like we have it all together.”

Morgan Harper Nichols

Growth in the area of vulnerability happens best when I am surrounded by safe voices who allow me to speak openly but call me on to new days. Recently I was in a hard conversation with someone, in an old way of communicating I would get defensive and the conversation would quickly escalate. I have been really trying to find ways to sit with empathy with this dialogue in my life. To find healing however, I have been trying to sit first in the place of vulnerability rather than strength. Admitting to myself and the people involved that it is not easy and I need help to find a new way of communicating in this arena of my life.

The next step I have been noticing is sympathy.

Sympathy

The definition of sympathy is this;

“feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune or understanding between people; common feeling.”

Dictionary.com

I am learning that sympathy for those who are a step removed is much more comfortable when we don’t know the whole story with its complexity. I can feel pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. I can listen to a story about challenge and triumph but what about those close who I have walked the problems with for ages. Sympathy turns to impatience, which for me is a quick road to words of discouragement.

Understanding comes when we sit in the space of listening to hear, rather than listening to respond. Whether it is a stranger on the internet or a friend sitting across the table, to find the patience to sit and listen, rather than make assumptions is a sign of maturity.

The next step I am learning is empathy.

Empathy is trying to understand what another person is feeling. It sees the world through another’s eyes.

The question someone asked me lately is why we should be empathetic? And honestly, it’s not something I have ever questioned myself because there is a foundational part of my value system that respects humanity. I believe in the power of every person’s story and voice. I think that when we try to control others by silencing them that the repercussions in our own stories and worlds can be devastating. I have found every time we grow and explore a desire to mature in our emotional intelligence; it empowers freedom in our everyday life.

For my family and me, the exploration of love and respect those in our everyday world including strangers is foundational to everything we believe. It is core to our passion and journey on this planet, and we want our legacy to be one of kindness, respect, patience, endurance and love.

That leads us to the next step in this discovery of empathy and its power.

Compassion

To be compassionate is to not only sit in the discomfort of the pain but to move forward into action to alleviate the suffering.

The definition given by the dictionary here is this one;

“a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.”

The difference I believe between empathy and compassion is that you not only acknowledge the suffering as sympathy asks us to, but empathy also implores us to bring understanding and compassion moves us towards action.

The over overstimulation of people’s stories and the platform that social media gives to the news, stories and the misfortune of others. Unfortunately, both positive and negatives sit in this space of quick and easy access to publishing our own opinions and the spread of news quickly worldwide. The problem I see every day is that our senses are numbed to the reality of everyday people and their real-life stories because we have learnt to move on.

Compassion is a powerful tool that helps us stay connected to humanity and the power of everyday people and their stories.

The question I have for my amazing community here online is this…

Which word resonates with you in this season?

And how can we help one another sit in the discomfort of another’s story?

I believe that there is somebody, somewhere who needs your story and it is my life’s mission to help people discover and share their story so that together we can grow and leave a legacy of hope.

An audacious hope.

Sincerely

Amanda

At the beginning of each year, I try to zone in on one word that can shape and challenge the coming season. This year empathy found me and I’m not sure I was really ready for its haunting.

I am an empathetic soul. I cry easily at the commonwealth games and the pursuit of the underdog. Drawn in by the story, my heart is endeared often by strangers. Today I wandered too long behind a lady that was struggling. It was clear she was not looking for help, but I wanted to check in on her welfare just in case.

My eyes linger too long with people’s arguments on the pavement and this week my head turned as I walked the beach and noticed a makeshift house under our local jetty.

I find it easy to be moved with compassion with those that are a step removed. However, I struggle desperately to choose empathy with those who are in my everyday. Tough love becomes my stance, quick words of challenge and boundaries firmly drawn.

The word empathy is defined this way…

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

I stood in a pop-up shop that was crowded with people recently and a jumper with the words “Choose Empathy” stalked me. Everywhere I went these words were echoing out and I knew their message was not about giving more of myself to strangers overseas. This symphony was calling me to settle more into the discomfort of my everyday. To love broader in my own home and to once again allow wounds of the past to be healed with a balm of forgiveness.

Over the next couple of months, I want to go on the journey of choosing empathy for those who are close. My family, extended family and friends. Learning to listen more and answer carefully. Taking the time to sit and be present, without being productive but to sit in the awkward stance of being human.

I am realising that often the dialogue going on inside me comes out a lot faster than I wish it would. Donald Miller describes it this way…

“It costs personal fear to be authentic but the reward is integrity, and by that I mean a soul fully integrated, no difference between his act and his actual person. Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside that we are on the outside, and if we don’t have integrity, life becomes exhausting.”

When we choose empathy, we choose courage. To sit in the imperfection of our one wild life means to forgive, to forget, to move forward and to begin every day again.

To be human is a difficult pursuit but to show empathy to those closest when we see year upon year of faults that is wisdom and patience.

As we go on this journey together tell me in the comments below in what ways do you struggle to be empathetic to those closest to us?

Let’s go on the journey of choosing empathy, my friends.

Amanda