Author: Amanda Viviers

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Come Closer; chapter four braving the wilderness

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because the sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”

James A Baldwin

This time last Monday I was sobbing in my car at school. The pressure of my pending new book release, a broken car being towed to the mechanic but the real story was bathed in jealousy.

There is always fifty-five sides to a story and in the wake of my meltdown over the last week, I have zoomed in on the foundation of the story that held me captive in that moment.

It was a metaphorical pimple that screamed out for attention and I had to unpack the depth of the pain. This is the beauty and the sheer terror of community. It is easy to hold judgements and let pain slide when we watch humanity from a wide angle lens. But what about when it’s on micro zoom? What about old wounds that surface, from your family of origin and how come it is so painful to face them with authenticity?

Each Monday, we have been walking through Brene Brown’s latest book “Braving the Wilderness” with our online book club Mondays with us. And I find myself here today in chapter four.

People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.

Recently I sat in a workshop “How to Deal With Anger” by Anne Galambosi. She unpacked many different ways that we can make friends with our anger. One of the greatest lessons that I took away from her workshop, was to come close to my anger, rather than push it away. She brought a participant up on the stage and held their arms. She said, “Struggle, wrestle, come on try and make me let go of you”. And the more distant she was from the person, the harder it was to break away. However, she showed us, as we come close to the anger. The person was easily able to break free.

Brene says it this way…

“Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. Internalizing anger will take away our joy and spirit; externalising anger will make us less effective in our attempts to create change and forge connection.”

The closer we become to anyone, humanity, our family, our friends, our work colleagues,  and in of our relationships, especially when they are accessed from an authentic place, the more likely it is that we will face conflict.

I love the question that Brene explores in this chapter around conflict, emotions and having a different view.

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, my default is “agree to disagree” and shut it down. What do you think about that approach?

My answer is this.

I am terrible at agreeing to disagree. I am not the flight person in this scenario. I have learnt to fight.

The problem is, my fight tendency has ruined some relationships because they have felt attacked in the midst of my struggle to find a middle ground.

What about you?

Then she goes on to ask this question.

So if we decide to be brave and stay in the conversation, how do we push through the vulnerability and stay civil?

The greatest discovery I have been walking through has been where I find my identity and how I answer this question in the midst of differing points of view.

Conflict transformation could possibly be my greatest lesson that I am learning as a leader. The easy answer is to learn to walk away. This could be a solution, because then maybe space and time, would help me to respond with more grace and kindness.

How do I stay in the place of difficult emotions like jealousy, rage, envy and strife without maiming my fellow human being?

I am learning to breathe in the midst of these interactions. I am learning to comfort my inner child and reassure her that she is okay. I am learning to talk openly with safe people about my weaknesses and the places where I fail. And most of all, I am being kinder to myself in the aftermath of interactions gone wild.

My book club question, for the comments below and in our group is this…

What are you learning in the midst of conflict from this book?

Deep breathing over here.

Smile

Have a great Monday gang.

Amanda

Latest Release New Days available to download here for $9.95 today. A downloadable vision workbook with reflection questions to help you process the year that has passed and into the new year or season with intention.

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You failed this year, its okay so did I…

 

So you failed this year…

It’s okay.

So did I.

There is something about failure it sits with us in the midst of our humility and asks us to try again.

Failure has a shadow companion and his name is “Shame”. Shame sneaks around corners and offers us comfort in the midst of our mistakes. He curls his finger and beckons us to come and sit to stay awhile.

The thing that shame forgets to tell us on purpose, however, that nothing of significance is birthed without failure and mistakes. You see the precipice of change, that place in our future between what is and what could be, is the unknown department of what if?

The land of what if is a place where the ground is extremely unsteady.

It shakes and tumbles, it quakes and makes you feel uncomfortable.

When you step into the new and leave the comfort of shame behind, you realise that anyone who has done anything of significance has failed.

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”

Neil Gaiman

The power of reflection, journaling and writing always will help us find perspective in the midst of our failure. When we take the time to sit in the discomfort of the waiting place, we uncover the secret wisdom that invites us to the beauty of humanity.

The grace place.

The sinner’s table.

The place between what is and what could be.

At the end of each year, I retreat away from the noise that SHOUTS loudly and I ask myself a series of questions.

I set myself up in a cafe, with coffee and a slice of cake and I breathe. I walk the beach and I start to pray softly.

Thanking God for the year that has passed and I start to let go of everything that has disappointed. There is something about taking the time to reflect and regroup that creates space for growth in the New Year.

Questions like…

What has been a positive experience?
What has been a negative experience?
Where have I grown the most?
What am I especially thankful for?

I have realised that it is easy to allow the negative to overtake a year, rather than allowing the simple, the beautiful and the surprises to come back to the foreground.

As I take the time to reflect on the different spaces in my life, I see over a long season of rest and recovery that the fruit of the spirit is growing or decreasing in my life. I re-shift my alignment in these times of journalling and writing by myself and I realise where my true north alignment is again.

When was the last time you took the time to have an appointment with yourself with a journal and reflected?

Here is the proforma that I use in this personal retreat available for you to download today. This year your download includes; Planning documents for your business and personal products. A weekly schedule to plan in time for the scaffold of your week for your passion projects A mind map proforma to help you brainstorm out your yearly goals and over one hundred reflection questions to help you discover your voice and opportunities for the new season ahead.

So as we walk into the crazy holiday season, here is my prayer for you.

I hope that you make mistakes this coming year because it is a place where we remember the grace and the power of forgiveness. I hope that you are edging towards the new and doing things that are unexpected and full of possibility to find your new language and voice for tomorrow. I hope that you thrive in the midst of your humanity, learning to love like you have never before. I hope you flourish even when it feels like your hidden place is dry and unforgiving. 

Amanda

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How To Get Unstuck?

We all get stuck. Moments and seasons when we cannot get clarity and see beyond today. In our businesses, communication and life strategies.

I think that is why New Years Resolutions get such a bad reputation because they belong in the land of “being stuckness”. Change is hard, reframing mindsets is even harder and then add to the mix negativity, bullying and good old self-esteem.

Would you like to get unstuck?

“Don’t ever let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.” – 10 Things I Hate About You

Desire is a powerful emotion both for the positive and negative parts of our lives and often we get stuck in the realms of our dreams because we become disappointed when we have been hoping for something and it has not been realised.

Over the last fourteen years, I have asked myself a series of questions that have helped me reform my perspective and shift into the new season. Does that mean it has been easy?

Nope, Nah, doubt it!

Change is powerful but it is painful and unless we uncover the parts of our today that are locking us in a holding pattern we cannot access the momentum needed for the new.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

A simple sentence has been repeating over and over in my heart lately. If we keep doing the same things we have always done and we are expecting a different result, that is insanity.

The thought of setting goals and re-hoping again for the new year can be hard but is it just as hard as staying stuck where you are?

The best way you can move forward is to take the time to process, let go and find courage for your new tomorrow. Writing is a powerful way to do this exact thing.

I have designed a book that includes these questions and the process I have done now for 14 years. It includes articles to help you process, let go and dream again. It is called NEW DAYS and can be bought in a download version for $9.95 and also a printed book version for Australian residents for $19.95 including shipping.

If I can give you any advice right at the beginning of this holiday season, take the time to reflect and reclaim your future this New Year. If you are ready to explore a little and then begin again, this date with yourself was made just for you.

We need to be honest with ourselves for this to work.

Here is how this vision book works:

Print off these pages and find a favourite pen.

Get a drink that makes you smile (coffee, wine, tea, apple cider, ginger beer or a milkshake).

Set your atmosphere to a quiet and reflective space (Candles, music or people/ cafe/ buzz/ city life).

Turn off your phone. (like really, no Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest).

Start by saying thank you for the year that was and open your heart up for new inspiration for the year coming.

Then dive in.

You inspire me already.

Amanda

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Three ways I’m finding courage for the new

Port City Roasters

As long as I am breathing, in my eyes, I am just beginning.
CRISS JAMI

New days are a quandary. Full of excitement for the upcoming opportunity and the pain of letting go.

Have you ever felt like you were destined for more but just didn’t know how to step into the new?

This is the dance of humanity. Every person who has stood on the precipice of change has battled to find courage for the leap. Tomorrow my latest book NEW DAYS launches and even though I am five books into this writing journey, tonight I sit here feeling more of a novice than ever before.

Maybe because I know more and when you have seen you responsible.

Maybe it’s because there are so many writers here on the internet.

Maybe it’s just those questions we all battle with like perfectionism, is it good enough and what if people don’t like it?

Despite all of this, I step forward into the unknown of a launch. Putting my thoughts and hearts out on the line. What about you? What’s your new? Where are you beginning again? What courage is needed for your tomorrow?

Here are three ways I am finding the courage to step into the new.

ONE: Gathering those who know me and reminding myself of my strengths.

Last Sunday I sat in a dear friends Lounge Room and wheeled out the whiteboard. I asked my friends to help me edit my life. They did a 360 review on my entrepreneurial journey and helped me find my “why” again. We started with what I wanted to be doing in five years time. The circle then brainstormed my strengths and what they believed I am really equipped and gifted to bring as my contribution. They then helped me edit that which was good, but for my season not great. It was such a powerful hour and a half that brought the most clarity I have had for my season in years.

“Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly, it’s your masterpiece.”

AGENT STEVEN

TWO: Being intentional in what I give my time to and saying goodbye to yesterday.

The last few years have been beautiful and so humbling. There have been many days where I wished I could sit in an office and discuss leadership principles and corporate strategies but I made a choice not too. I decided I would stay home with my kids and guess what? Next year is Libby’s last year at home full time with me. It is true what everyone says, it goes so fast and as much as I have wanted many times to escape it, to step into places of perceived influence. I surrendered to my season and I have had the profound opportunity to hang out with many people in their everyday, ordinary lives. However, I know change is coming and I am looking at the new and really being careful what I say yes too. Bringing it back to my foundations, discovering anything that I am saying yes to out of obligation rather than revelation.

“Your life is a sacred journey. It is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path… exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity and of love.”

CAROLINE ADAMS

THREE: Asking myself questions and setting aside time to reflect.

The humble beginnings of my latest book began when I was a single woman desperate to see my dreams come true. I would sit in cafes watching families walk alongside me and dream of my “one day”. The questions that I have discovered over fourteen years have been refined and changed, weighed and sifted. The tools that I have uncovered have become life changing in the midst of seasons of in-between.  Writing is a powerful tool for self-reflection and often as I wait for inspiration it comes with a companion, courage. Courage for me is not a loud rant on Facebook, it is a quiet whisper that says “I promise you can do this.” When we sit and reflect, write and release our future thanks us.

My question for you is this…

When was the last time you turned off your phone, social media, tv and distractions and reflected on your season and dreamed of your tomorrow?

“New Days” is available now for sale on my website. In three different formats. $9.95 Downloadable version. A printed version for $19.95 Australian residents only and a monochrome version for easy printing $9.95.

Come on, let’s find courage together.

And would you share this on social media for me, to your friends who would like to find courage for the new?

Amanda

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Chapter one: the art of belonging

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Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown

I am far from a Brene Brown virgin. I’ve read all her books, google searched her podcasts, shared her quotes and stalked her wisdom from my internet cave. However, I was not ready for the undoing that this book has created. I feel like one of my life values and pursuits has been ripped open and shredded and now I am unsure of how to repack it back inside.

The pursuit of belonging;

Of course, we all want to belong. Of course, we want to feel loved, nurtured, valued and seen. Isn’t that the point? Isn’t that at the heart of the human condition.

To be loved and love in return.

I read chapter one and two of “Braving the Wilderness” with gusto, cheering her on from my coffee induced couch and then I put the book down to rest. For a month.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to get all deep and thoughtful for you here on my blog. But I had committed to our conversation over on our online book club “Mondays with us“. I was trapped.

Then I started to explore the theme of this book…

The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone

It was like the axis of my world shifted. I can’t really explain it, but I sat in my big grey reading chair, on a nondescript Spring afternoon repeating to myself. “It is okay Amanda that you often feel like you don’t belong”. 

What?

Hey?

No?

But belonging is the ultimate pursuit of happiness, isn’t it?

I have heard people talk about the lonely walk of leadership and nodded my head in serious contemplation but it still never sunk in. I watched people wrestle their identity, unique voice and personality but still, I just thought this was the walk of the uncommon pursuit of authenticity. I have sat and listened to women on my personal retreats, mentoring consults and events, but I just thought that this was the human condition.

No matter how many friends we have, no matter how loved we are, each and every one of us struggle with this pursuit of belonging. And often we are told that belonging, our tribe, our gang, our family, our friends or our community is the pinnacle of a life lived strong.

Do you feel like you often break the rules?
Does friendship disappoint you, leaving you wondering what you are doing wrong?

And the penultimate question…Do you often feel left out, isolated or lonely?

This, my friend, is the art of belonging and we were not designed to arrive. We are in an ever moving state of becoming and we were created with this weird little programming glitch which asks us to keep on moving towards a goal that always seems to change.

To pioneer. To explore. To discover. To unpack. To reveal. To move. To plant. To respond. To expand. To edit. To befriend. To let go.

Since that moment in the corner of my bedroom, I have been trying to refind my internal footing again. It is like the thought, that maybe the pursuit of belonging is not the final quest of a life lived satisfied.

So its okay that I don’t feel like I belong.

It’s alright that I feel alone often in this journey.

What if I have been seeking constantly to fit in, to feel like I am cared for, noticed and belong but it’s not actually the point?

What if I was designed to keep discovering my greater tomorrow and not everyone from my past will understand the journey I compelled to walk?

What if this longing for a tribe was designed not as a destination, but a need for travelling companions that encourage, direct and give companionship to the journey of life?

So here I am once again Brene, cracked open and I have more questions than answers.

Again.

Here is my question to you all?

What emotions does the idea of standing alone bring up in you?

In the words of the amazing Dr Maya Angelou;

You are only free when you realize you belong no place- you belong every place- no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

Ahhh.

Here we go.

Sincerely

Amanda

If you would like to join us on the journey of Braving The Wilderness, you can buy Brene’s latest book through Book Depository with free shipping here, and you can join us over at our private facebook group Mondays with us here. Happy reading friends.