When was the last time you said yes to something that you regretted?
When was the last time you said no, knowing that it was good for you?
Obligation is the worst reason for making a commitment to someone or something.
When we feel manipulated, obliged, forced into our decision making, the long term affects of this small moment can be far reaching.
We stay in jobs because of loyalty, we say yes to holidays with people that we knew never would work, we go to events because we should, rather than we want to.
Obligated.
Our whole society is over frustrated by the obligations we stick to and keep, when we really should have said no.
At the beginning of the inspire 15 retreat, we started this way.
You, don’t have to come to anything. Everything is optional.
Everything.
This is actually the truth, yet we try so desperately to force adults into program shaped boxes, to try and make ourselves feel more secure.
Security does not come from the amount of people at your events.
Security does not come from the amount of followers you have.
Security comes from places like our faith, our family, our friends, our homes and our identity framed by grace.
“Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.”
Wayne Dyer
In fact when we make people feel completely free to make their own choices, they are more likely to respond with gratitude to the opportunities available.
What do you feel obliged to do?
Freedom comes sweeping into our days, when we realise that the obligations we have been carrying around heavily, really don’t have to crowd us in any longer.
One week ago I sent out my first tribe subscription newsletter! I wanted to create a way to keep in touch with people who have come to one of my events and also to keep people informed in what is happening in my world.
To celebrate I am giving every person who has signed up to recieve my newsletter a free download of my first book “Capture 30 days of inspiration” online copy for free. The code will be coming out in tomorrow’s weekly e-letter.
If you are unsure whether you have or if you want to get in on the action, sign up below.
I may not look like a ninja, with a black hood and swift flexible moves but there is a part of my heart that is being refined so deeply that I feel like I can take on the world. One story at a time.
Over the last few years I have become a Brene Brown fan girl freak. I know this sounds a little strange coming from a woman with two children, who is heading towards the fresh new landscape of her forties but she is seriously so on point.
She makes me think of stories and memories hidden in the deep recesses of my soul, that I thought only Jesus could see in those hidden heart shaped rooms.
As I have been reading “Rising Strong”, there has been a training camp happening in my heart. It is like I have been at heart ninja boot camp and I feel myself letting go. I am seeing past destructive behaviours as I nod slowly concurring with her words. I am realising that I am not the only person on the planet who struggles with shame, guilt, pleasing people, failure and sometimes just wishing I had shut my mouth.
Why a ninja?
Lately I have been smiling whenever I call myself a ninja, because it is the furtherest description from my everyday reality but there is something about ninja’s that seems so purposed.
They run around in the background, making changes, swiftly and softly doing work that no one knows about. They don’t call attention to themselves but they get stuff done. I want to be a whole hearted creative ninja, whose life and path is so refined that I stop looking towards my past, stuck but I look forward and rise strong.
Brene Brown in the introduction of Rising Strong calls people like this, something a little stronger. She would call us “bad asses”.
You have found yourself here in our online book club, because you are wanting some sort of change. You are reading her book because you want to Rise again after failure, you want to make changes in your everyday that lead to living a life of influence and purpose. She describes you this way…
“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
Brené Brown, Rising Strong
This month we are going to tell the truth. We are going to face our pain and our shame and we are going to wade through this book of hope, starting discussions that hopefully make a difference.
As you start this journey of wrestle with the deep things she delves into, you may not feel like a “ninja” or a “badass”, you may feel like a complete failure, who never finishes anything. Or you might find yourself in a season of transition, wondering how you could ever start again. You might find yourself in a place of confusion unsure of what you have to offer the world.
“There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.”
Brené Brown, Rising Strong
Why don’t you take time to watch this video from Brene our author of choice this month…
I think there is a whole group of people who are going to come out of these discussions, just waiting to take on the world with their new whole hearted super powers.
Owning our stories,
Facing the pain of rejection, loss and grief,
Taking time to recalibrate our sense of purpose,
Rising strong in the midst of great and glorious failure.
My Book club question for the beginning of our journey is this…
What stops you from commenting on blogs such as this?
Fear, Shame, Worry what others will think, Not wanting to sound stupid.
I too struggle with all of these things when commenting on people’s writing. Chat below and let’s start this conversation with open hearts.
Every Friday, Monday with Elaine and Wednesday’s with Jodie we will be writing a chapter each, asking one question for online discussion for this online book club. If you want to get a copy of Brene’s Book Rising Strong CLICK HERE.
See you next friday new and older blogging friends,
Yesterday I had a little moment. It was just a subtle little comment but as I walked away I thought “Why did I even say that?”
The comment was about a little baby girl and my baby girl, the comment was a comparison to something so silly, small and insignificant but I knew that my passive aggression was coming from a place of shame not freedom.
Then this morning I wrote an email, started a conversation about something for next year and the dialogue was so positive.
Then a last little line I threw in at the end was a strike made in word form that was so unnecessary. A sly comment, a shy little dig, something so beige that you would miss it if you weren’t looking for it.
But I remembered.
Post email guilt.
I went back and wrote an email to readjust my judgement.
I tried to make it right again.
The truth is though once words are spoken, we cannot eat them up and take them back inside. In fact, they are not birthed as they escape our lips, they are seeded in our minds when we think thoughts of injustice, pride, shame and malice.
Lately I have been so aware though of old shame patterns that I used to use to try and change people. You see I worked previously in a work culture that was full of passive aggressive behaviours and patterns.
People would say yes, but then really mean no and go and tell other people why they said yes, but they wanted to say no and how annoyed they are with the person, because why did they make me say yes, when I should have said no. You know what I’m talking about. A culture that is supposed to be so honest, vulnerable and forgiving. That is actually the complete opposite. Quiet meetings, whispered words, untruths, email wars, digs, “she said, he said”.
Have you been surrounded by that culture?
Quiet corridor conversations that we justified in the name of processing and freedom of speech, but in actuality they were just gossip and should have been said in the meeting that the topic had been raised in.
Shame culture,
Passive Aggression.
They follow companies and cultures through seasons of great growth and seasons of great grief.
I have made a decision of late however, that I will not continue this pattern or behaviour in my life anymore and I refuse to make it a culture in my family.
Last night watching a TV show that I have been devouring lately Madam Secretary she quoted St Augustine
” The truth is like a lion. You don’t have to defend it, just let it loose; it will defend itself.”
I refuse to micro manage my family to the point where they are shamed into thinking that if they just keep me happy then peace can be maintained in our abode.
I refuse to spend my days with careless comments that make people feel internally beaten by my comparison and competition.
I refuse to be someone who believes these patterns of shaming people and trying to control them with words is something that is okay, because it is not.
The greatest lesson in change, is acknowledgement and as hard as it is to publicly say what I am saying, the power of honesty brings great change and opportunity for accountability.
“We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others.” Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame
The funny thing about shaming people through passive aggressive communication patterns, is that it honestly sounds so nice. We don’t want to have a confrontation, we don’t want to say the truth, so we just nod our heads and then go and talk to someone in a hidden corner about how frustrated we are.
Passive Aggression, the urban dictionary describes it this way;
A defence mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.
Shame, is about how we feel in a certain situation and the way we shame people is through words such as should, why haven’t you, couldn’t you, why not?
It is a fine line between being honest and what is the intention behind our words and the way we wield them.
I am not a counsellor, a psychologist, but I am a Mum, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a worker who is on a mission to grow into every part of my purpose that is available to me.
I long to live a whole hearted, connected life, that I own up to my behaviours and my stuff. I want to be a leader who is fully aware of her faults and is living a life that is changing, growing and maturing.
The one word that describes my business philosophy is;
inspire (verb)
1. fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
or
2. breathe in (air); inhale
The word inspire means to breathe life into. It is a divine interaction that brings life and hope with future potential into ones everyday moments. Over years many different people have inspired me with creative innovation. As I have watched people grow and develop I have been overwhelmed by the beauty that they are bringing in their own unique way.
I absolutely believe everyone of us has a unique signature that we can bring to the world and it is in this place of purpose that light and love are accelerated.
I have been using a hashtag #inspire15 with the year ending on it (inspire14 etc). The whole intention behind this hashtag was to inspire others with what they are doing creatively, to be a source of hope for each other, to get out and just have a go.
Over the years of seeing people use this tool to encourage one another free from comparison and competition, I have realised a simple principle’s in business.
There is enough room for everyone.
There is enough inspiration and creativity available for everyone.
I think we sometimes act as though there is only a certain amount of information available for the small elite group who have the courage to reach out and act on their business dreams.
There is not. I promise there are enough customers, enough opportunities, enough ideas for every single one of you.
As I walk into the final week before our Inspire 15 retreat, I wanted to interview some of my amazing entrepreneur friends and ask them great questions about creativity and business.
Questions like;
What is your Greatest lesson/ failure you have learnt in business?
If you were to encourage someone just starting out in your field of expertise what would that be?
Attached in the e-zine I have interviewed twenty entrepreneurs, some our business owners have over 100,000 followers on Instagram, some of them have started amazing online social projects, they have published books, started psychology practices and some are very new.
So go grab a cup of tea and Click this link Online Magazine to download this E-zine that I have created with some my favourite Creative Business Entrepreneurs. (Open it up in ibooks on your ipad for optimised reading results.)
