Category: Books that changed me

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Learning that embarrassment is my own worst enemy

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Last night I rumbled and wrestled, hardly sleeping the whole night long. It was like I was fighting a battle in my sleep, with enemies such as shame, embarrassment and vulnerability.

I’ll let you in on a little secret after last weeks post about my Hangry Bear, I haven’t posted here, I hadn’t read my Brene Brown Book for this online book club, I shut them all away and pretended that I could just hide away from the reality in my today. I skipped chapter eight in fact and read straight through chapter nine, promising this weekend I would backtrack. I had to get this blog written. I had made a commitment.

I had kept my Hangry Bear at bay all week, until yesterday. With a serendipitous aligning of events, I found myself wrestling all day with feeling embarrassed.

Have you ever felt embarrassed?

Have you done something so brave and it just didn’t pull off?

The funny thing is I speak most weeks on a stage of some kind and every week I have to face the fear of embarrassment and carry on. Although many people think I am extremely confident, I question everything and I see all of the faces. The faces of people who I desperately want to like me. Last week, whilst speaking, I fell off the stage and tripped over my shoe. I cracked a joke and moved on, but when I came home to my little shack, all I wanted to do was hide away and never come back out again.

Lately with my speaking I have been questioning myself over and over. Am I too loud? Am I too passionate? Am I too much?

The too much question, gets me every time. Too strong, Too opinionated, not sweet and palatable. It is like my mouth was designed to provoke. It is like my hands were designed to type questions that dig deep. It is like my heart was called to swim into wide, open passages. It is like my brain was created to keep challenging the status quo.

My heart aches often for those who don’t see their own potential.

My mind battles daily with the tall poppies and the online bullies.

My soul yearns for something more.

I feel way too much and that often causes me to feel embarrassed.

The greatest part of the Book Club we have formed around Brene Brown’s latest book, is that I have become more curious around my emotions. It is like I am stepping back and watching myself react, I am listening to my inner record player and I am learning.

This week I have learnt that embarrassment is often my greatest weakness in the midst of a emotional battle.

If I feel embarrassed, I react strongly. The feeling of shame and being made fun of deeply rocks me.

So back to yesterday, It was a perfect storm of embarrassment for me and it made me wrestle the whole day long. I withdrew from my family, As we stood in the shopping centre I asked them to stop embarrassing me, even though they were doing nothing out of the ordinary. I tried to hide from my husband.

I wrestled.

I questions.

I got angry in my half sleepfulness.

I rumbled with the feeling of failure that overwhelmed me.

Then this morning, as I walked out to my family at breakfast, all I wanted to do was carry on with my distancing dance.

Then something curious got a hold of me.

Over coffee, over eggs prepared by my holidaying husband, I sat down directly opposite him and I quietly spoke. I asked forgiveness for my distance, I explained what parts of my heart felt so vulnerable, I faced the dirt that was making me feel unclean.

I owned my story.

Chapter seven, eight (unread) and nine you have been annoying me.

However, if you are causing me to face my shame and come out clean to those who I can totally trust, then you are worth the wrestle. A rumble that echoes words like transformation, whole hearted living, connectedness, peace, hope and authenticity.

Hoping to write a little more this week.

Maybe that quiet conversation has broken the embarrassment drought and is calling me to process through writing once again.

Question; What emotion have you been made more aware of through this book club, reading Brene’s Book or just reading these posts?

This is one quote that has been ringing through my heart and mind this week;

brene

Happy Weekend My Readers,

May the curious force be with you and may change be following not far behind.

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those childhood memories that ruin our creativity

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Sydney, Australia “The Grounds”

Every time I try to diet, go raw, eliminate sugar, go dairy free, gluten free or paleo, the worst result of my efforts is what I like to term my “Hangry Bear”.

One day I am focussed, motivated and determined, next minute I want to tear the head off any person that is in my vicinity.

Food and I have a very sordid past.

I don’t have a long list of ex lovers or a deep history of family dysfunction but I have a whole cupboard full of stories that will make a decent memoir one day.

A memoir about diets, failure and the never ending New Years Resolution of finding my health again.

My Hangry Bear self is always associated with food or lack of it.

My Hangry Bear comes out roaring especially when I feel embarrassed, when I feel shame and when I feel defeated.

The Bear self is not actually hungry, it is just demanding attention, it is asking for my help, it is seeking someone to tell it to calm down everything is going to be okay.

Lately I have discovered a story that is directly linked to the birth of my Hangry little bear. I was ten years old, I remember the colour of my ballet leotard, I remember the moment when my Ballet teacher read out the words, that would forever change my relationship with food.

One line written in stone, that birthed a angry, shamed filled relationship with food that has plagued me ever since. A little ballerina, who desired so much to live her adult life on a stage performing and dancing to make people smile.

The examiners words on my report card that year, completely changed the course of my life.

She wrote this; (I was not even in highschool yet)

“Amanda, has the capacity to go all the way to the top with Ballet, except she is too fat.”

Full stop.

Hello Hangry Bear.

Hello food as my comfort

Hello food every moment when I feel shamed, embarrassed or on the verge of dreaming for greater days.

I battle with food, because it is my arch nemisis of both pleasure and pain.

Talking with a counsellor recently she asked me this question “If you could go back to that moment and speak to the little girl what would you say?”

I replied “I wouldn’t talk to the little girl, I would walk straight up to that examiner and I would tell her that she was wrong. That words have such significant power over children and do you know the damage you have done in writing such condemning and shaming words over a young childs life. A child that so deeply respects and reveres you.”

My adult response floored me.

I felt empowered, I felt overwhelmed at the capacity to stand up for my ten year old me.

I felt like for the first time in my life, I could rebuild those broken ruins and calm my hangry bear.

Maybe my bear could even go into hibernation for a very, very long time.

I am still battling every day at the moment with this area of my life, but Brene Browns latest book Rising Strong is completely unravelling these parts of my life and asking my shivering, shamed self to step out from those places that are holding me captive.

Chapter four and five have been very difficult chapters for me to read.

As we rumble with those Hangry Bears hiding in our deep places and when we face the true reason why we are responding out of shame, failure and hiddenness we cannot go back again without changing.

We can read words such as;

“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fast, fun or easy; and choosing to practise our values rather than simply professing them.” Brene Brown

Here in this forum I can be all “you can do it”, “live the life you have dreamed of” and “Go make your dreams happen”…

I cannot be completely true to the whole picture, if I am not facing the sewer rats from my past, those stories from my childhood so deeply connected to my creative pursuits, dreams and passions and make you think that I have it all together.

I rumble and wrestle constantly with my weight, because I allow those stories from my past to frame my appetite instead of the truth.

When I choose courage when I look in the fridge rather than comfort.

When I choose to do what is right for my health, my family and my future rather than what is fast, fun or easy.

When I choose to practise the values I write about here instead of just professing what I think you want to hear.

Only then am I able to face those places of deep brokenness and see ever lasting change.

This year I am facing down that Hangry Bear and I am determined to discover what it is that provokes Him. I am determined to find ways to woo Him. I am wanting to live beyond this place of shame and embarrassment in my life.

phew.

That was heavy,

A question for our book club members who are reading along and commenting.

What goals have you set, that rock up on your New Years List every year? Do you have a Hangry Bear running around wreaking havoc, trying to undo your efforts every year?

Today, is the first time in a long time that I don’t want to press publish.

Woah,

This book is hard work,

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The problem when your instagram feed looks nothing like your real life.

Be who you are
Be who you are

“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable but our wholeness, even our wholeheartedness, actually depends on the integration of all our experiences including the falls.” Brene Brown, Rising Strong

The age of the internet is such a funny thing. One moment our lives look perfect, filtered and divine, the next we are oversharing, hoping, wishing, wanting someone to acknowledge our pain.

Navigating our way through the balance of authenticity and vulnerability is not just a now topic it is the wrestle that integrates our experiences into living a whole life.

Does your instagram feed look the same as your facebook personal revelations?

Have you wrestled with oversharing on the internet?

Ever felt vulnerable and wish you had never shared the truth?

Does your instagram feed look nothing like the reality of your everyday life?

As I spend more and more time here on the internet, I find it to be the most telling of social experiments.

When I step back and watch someone’s life, unfold across the pages of facebook, instagram and the blogging sphere, it is a very telling tool to the balance or lack of balance in emotional well being.

It is like our online voice is a very telling map, that quickly leads us towards the true state of our heart.

Is your online footprint full of smokes and mirrors?

Do you say things on instant messenger that you would never say to someone personally or in a public sphere?

Do you bully people, compare, compete and down right bitch and then suddenly filter it all together to make a unique, consumer focused product?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about designing the life that I truly want. I have been thinking about some of my friends who have no online life at all, they don’t even have a face book page and I wonder whether that is the answer?

Should I just step back and have nothing to do with this arena?

Whilst reading chapter three Owning our stories, from Rising Strong, I was so compelled by the culture we are immersed in. As I read through her thoughts I couldn’t help but think about the difference between our online impressions of what our life is and the actuality of our everyday.

Brene talks about the latin root of the word integrate which in its purest form means “to make whole”. I have been thinking, maybe we struggle as a society to live whole hearted lives, because we compartmentalise so much. In this part of my life, I am this person. In this arena, I am that person.

Maybe we are confused, because there is no bridge between all the different roles we are playing and how much people think they know about us, which is only half of the true story?

What is the answer?

Brene proposes in this chapter of the book, that creativity is an amazing tool to connect different parts of our story together and to find our true voice.

This is my book club question that arose from this chapter,

What do you do creatively that makes you find your voice or feel whole?

Every time I knit or write, there is something authentic about myself that comes together in the process. I think the times that I do this with no agenda at all, not to try and make money or impress anyone, these creative pure times, are when all my different parts start to come together.

As I knit, I meditate and think, I produce something that I hope will make someone, somewhere feel warm and loved.

As I write, I ask myself questions, I look for answers, I think about the truth I find in people’s stories and scripture.

The problem about my writing and my knitting is that social media is an amazing tool to connect people with the power of these creative pursuits in my life. I have to make sure that the bridge I am building between other people and my everyday life is an honest and true one.

Otherwise the disconnectedness between the two makes me feel like a total fraud.

And that is not the kind of life that I am pursuing.

I cant wait to read Elaine’s thoughts on Monday.

Comment along below with us…

I love to hear your thoughts about connectedness, creativity and living authentically in the culture we are immersed in.

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When an everyday girl becomes a whole hearted creative ninja

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I may not look like a ninja, with a black hood and swift flexible moves but there is a part of my heart that is being refined so deeply that I feel like I can take on the world. One story at a time.

Over the last few years I have become a Brene Brown fan girl freak. I know this sounds a little strange coming from a woman with two children, who is heading towards the fresh new landscape of her forties but she is seriously so on point.

She makes me think of stories and memories hidden in the deep recesses of my soul, that I thought only Jesus could see in those hidden heart shaped rooms.

As I have been reading “Rising Strong”, there has been a training camp happening in my heart. It is like I have been at heart ninja boot camp and I feel myself letting go. I am seeing past destructive behaviours as I nod slowly concurring with her words. I am realising that I am not the only person on the planet who struggles with shame, guilt, pleasing people, failure and sometimes just wishing I had shut my mouth.

Why a ninja?

Lately I have been smiling whenever I call myself a ninja, because it is the furtherest description from my everyday reality but there is something about ninja’s that seems so purposed.

They run around in the background, making changes, swiftly and softly doing work that no one knows about. They don’t call attention to themselves but they get stuff done. I want to be a whole hearted creative ninja, whose life and path is so refined that I stop looking towards my past, stuck but I look forward and rise strong.

Brene Brown in the introduction of Rising Strong calls people like this, something a little stronger. She would call us “bad asses”.

You have found yourself here in our online book club, because you are wanting some sort of change. You are reading her book because you want to Rise again after failure, you want to make changes in your everyday that lead to living a life of influence and purpose. She describes you this way…

“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
Brené Brown, Rising Strong

This month we are going to tell the truth. We are going to face our pain and our shame and we are going to wade through this book of hope, starting discussions that hopefully make a difference.

As you start this journey of wrestle with the deep things she delves into, you may not feel like a “ninja” or a “badass”, you may feel like a complete failure, who never finishes anything. Or you might find yourself in a season of transition, wondering how you could ever start again. You might find yourself in a place of confusion unsure of what you have to offer the world.

“There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.”
Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Why don’t you take time to watch this video from Brene our author of choice this month…

I think there is a whole group of people who are going to come out of these discussions, just waiting to take on the world with their new whole hearted super powers.

Owning our stories,

Facing the pain of rejection, loss and grief,

Taking time to recalibrate our sense of purpose,

Rising strong in the midst of great and glorious failure.

My Book club question for the beginning of our journey is this…

What stops you from commenting on blogs such as this?

Fear, Shame, Worry what others will think, Not wanting to sound stupid.

I too struggle with all of these things when commenting on people’s writing. Chat below and let’s start this conversation with open hearts.

Every Friday, Monday with Elaine and Wednesday’s with Jodie we will be writing a chapter each, asking one question for online discussion for this online book club. If you want to get a copy of Brene’s Book Rising Strong CLICK HERE.

See you next friday new and older blogging friends,

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online book club: Rising Strong

Online Book Club

In the month of October Elaine Fraser, Jodie McCarthy and Myself are doing an online collaborative book club. It is just a fun little experiment that we thought you may want to be a part of.

We are all fans of Brene Brown’s work and her latest book sparked interest and we thought you might want to join us.

On Monday’s throughout October Elaine will write her thoughts from a chapter, Jodie will blog about the next chapter on Wednesday and I will complete our online book club on Fridays with my thoughts. We will end each of our blogs with a question, that we will be asking you our readers to comment and reply and start a conversation that matters.

Here is her TED talk that got us all fan crushing…

What do you need to do?

  1. Follow each of us on facebook so you can get the links to our blogs each week. Elaine Fraser Jodie McCarthy Amanda Viviers
  2. Buy the book and start reading. ( Book Depository has free shipping click here: RISING STRONG)
  3. Invite your friends who may want to join along.

That is it!

We will have our first blog live on the 2nd of October with the introduction, here on my blog.

Have a great September Reading,

Can’t wait to chat about books online with you and my dearest writer friends.

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