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The Steps of Empathy

Lady Marmalade, Brisbane.

Empathy comes and goes from my daily life, and it is often frustrated by stories that keep me in old holding patterns. Lately, I have been wondering though if there are steps towards empathy and these layers are outworked through my growth and maturity.

Each time I feel like I have put an old story to bed forever, something small comes along and trips me up. I realised that maybe I didn’t put the dialogue to rest, but I swept it under the carpet without unveiling the root issue.

The first step I have been learning to hurdle is making friends with vulnerability.

Vulnerability

To be vulnerable is to open yourself up to the pain and discomfort of brokenness. Allowing ourselves to breathe in the pain of not having it all together can be the most liberating moment of our lives.

“Confidence flourishes by abandoning the idea that we need to look like we have it all together.”

Morgan Harper Nichols

Growth in the area of vulnerability happens best when I am surrounded by safe voices who allow me to speak openly but call me on to new days. Recently I was in a hard conversation with someone, in an old way of communicating I would get defensive and the conversation would quickly escalate. I have been really trying to find ways to sit with empathy with this dialogue in my life. To find healing however, I have been trying to sit first in the place of vulnerability rather than strength. Admitting to myself and the people involved that it is not easy and I need help to find a new way of communicating in this arena of my life.

The next step I have been noticing is sympathy.

Sympathy

The definition of sympathy is this;

“feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune or understanding between people; common feeling.”

Dictionary.com

I am learning that sympathy for those who are a step removed is much more comfortable when we don’t know the whole story with its complexity. I can feel pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. I can listen to a story about challenge and triumph but what about those close who I have walked the problems with for ages. Sympathy turns to impatience, which for me is a quick road to words of discouragement.

Understanding comes when we sit in the space of listening to hear, rather than listening to respond. Whether it is a stranger on the internet or a friend sitting across the table, to find the patience to sit and listen, rather than make assumptions is a sign of maturity.

The next step I am learning is empathy.

Empathy is trying to understand what another person is feeling. It sees the world through another’s eyes.

The question someone asked me lately is why we should be empathetic? And honestly, it’s not something I have ever questioned myself because there is a foundational part of my value system that respects humanity. I believe in the power of every person’s story and voice. I think that when we try to control others by silencing them that the repercussions in our own stories and worlds can be devastating. I have found every time we grow and explore a desire to mature in our emotional intelligence; it empowers freedom in our everyday life.

For my family and me, the exploration of love and respect those in our everyday world including strangers is foundational to everything we believe. It is core to our passion and journey on this planet, and we want our legacy to be one of kindness, respect, patience, endurance and love.

That leads us to the next step in this discovery of empathy and its power.

Compassion

To be compassionate is to not only sit in the discomfort of the pain but to move forward into action to alleviate the suffering.

The definition given by the dictionary here is this one;

“a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.”

The difference I believe between empathy and compassion is that you not only acknowledge the suffering as sympathy asks us to, but empathy also implores us to bring understanding and compassion moves us towards action.

The over overstimulation of people’s stories and the platform that social media gives to the news, stories and the misfortune of others. Unfortunately, both positive and negatives sit in this space of quick and easy access to publishing our own opinions and the spread of news quickly worldwide. The problem I see every day is that our senses are numbed to the reality of everyday people and their real-life stories because we have learnt to move on.

Compassion is a powerful tool that helps us stay connected to humanity and the power of everyday people and their stories.

The question I have for my amazing community here online is this…

Which word resonates with you in this season?

And how can we help one another sit in the discomfort of another’s story?

I believe that there is somebody, somewhere who needs your story and it is my life’s mission to help people discover and share their story so that together we can grow and leave a legacy of hope.

An audacious hope.

Sincerely

Amanda

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choose empathy

At the beginning of each year, I try to zone in on one word that can shape and challenge the coming season. This year empathy found me and I’m not sure I was really ready for its haunting.

I am an empathetic soul. I cry easily at the commonwealth games and the pursuit of the underdog. Drawn in by the story, my heart is endeared often by strangers. Today I wandered too long behind a lady that was struggling. It was clear she was not looking for help, but I wanted to check in on her welfare just in case.

My eyes linger too long with people’s arguments on the pavement and this week my head turned as I walked the beach and noticed a makeshift house under our local jetty.

I find it easy to be moved with compassion with those that are a step removed. However, I struggle desperately to choose empathy with those who are in my everyday. Tough love becomes my stance, quick words of challenge and boundaries firmly drawn.

The word empathy is defined this way…

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

I stood in a pop-up shop that was crowded with people recently and a jumper with the words “Choose Empathy” stalked me. Everywhere I went these words were echoing out and I knew their message was not about giving more of myself to strangers overseas. This symphony was calling me to settle more into the discomfort of my everyday. To love broader in my own home and to once again allow wounds of the past to be healed with a balm of forgiveness.

Over the next couple of months, I want to go on the journey of choosing empathy for those who are close. My family, extended family and friends. Learning to listen more and answer carefully. Taking the time to sit and be present, without being productive but to sit in the awkward stance of being human.

I am realising that often the dialogue going on inside me comes out a lot faster than I wish it would. Donald Miller describes it this way…

“It costs personal fear to be authentic but the reward is integrity, and by that I mean a soul fully integrated, no difference between his act and his actual person. Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside that we are on the outside, and if we don’t have integrity, life becomes exhausting.”

When we choose empathy, we choose courage. To sit in the imperfection of our one wild life means to forgive, to forget, to move forward and to begin every day again.

To be human is a difficult pursuit but to show empathy to those closest when we see year upon year of faults that is wisdom and patience.

As we go on this journey together tell me in the comments below in what ways do you struggle to be empathetic to those closest to us?

Let’s go on the journey of choosing empathy, my friends.

Amanda

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The power of peace in our everyday

Date, Walnut and Cinnamon Sourdough

There are many moments when I feel overwhelmed every day when I feel far from at peace. When the stress of the moment takes over and I am looking for a quiet that is beyond just noise; I’m looking for a rest deep in my soul.

We are all looking for peace and a slowing of our souls. Over and over as our world fills with obligations and shoulds, there is another way. And it is paved with peace.

Do you have moments when you are unsure of what to do next?

Moments when your mind is overwhelmed. Moments when you have a few different balls in the air, juggling life and looking for quiet.

What about when you are at work or in a conflict with a friend?

What about moments of anxiety?

There is a moment between Palm Sunday and Good Friday that stills me quietly as I read. A group of friends gather around food and opportunity, unaware that they only have a few days left together.

There is an author amongst them John who starts to unpack the journey of the week between Palm Sunday and Good Friday, beginning with story after story that Jesus tries to describe to his friends about what is about to happen.

And everything I’ve taught you is so that the peace which is in me will be in you and will give you great confidence as you rest in me. For in this unbelieving world you will experience trouble and sorrows, but you must be courageous, for I have conquered the world!”

John 16: 33 (TPT)

It intrigues me that Jesus knew everything that was to happen that dark Friday afternoon, yet his absolute focus and concern was to leave peace that surpasses understanding with his friends who were to be left behind.

I am learning that He is the author of peace and even when it does not make sense, He has walked before us and He has paved the way. He can be trusted and he is our guarantor. There is a debt placed upon our lives and He became the surety we needed to walk with security and strength. 

A letter later in the bible chats about a strategy to employ peace into our everyday lives and empower our desire to slow. It was written to a group of people in the town of Philippi

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4: 6-7 (NIV)

The peace of Christ is transformative, he gives us peace so that we can walk peace into a world that is so deeply in need of his presence. His peace was not given just so we could feel his peace, it is an activated presence that helps us find our voice and opportunities to bring beauty into difficult times.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy; 

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love. 

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. 

St Francis of Assisi

Dear Jesus,

Help me to trust in your presence in my daily life and when anxiety rises, help me to surrender to the strength found in seeking you above all else. Little by little bring your beauty into my every day as I learn to let go and find you waiting. Help me to embrace a slower pace that is bathed in peace. Help me to love those who are in my today and to release those who are no longer in the season I find myself in today. 

With a peace that surpasses understanding.

Amen

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Discovering Vinyl Under The Rubble

Have you ever had a moment where you know it is time to get rid of the old?

I stood in my studio and breathed deeply at the sheer overwhelmedness of it all. The books were falling off the shelves and the papers were knee deep. Little bits and bobs that held no home in my heart but a whole heap of shoulds on their shoulders.

Piece by piece, weighted responsibility after responsibility I sorted through the chaos looking for silence. This room seemed to hold the remnants of the last year of our life. From receipts to cookbooks, manuscript leftovers and presents left homeless.

In the midst of this cleanse, I felt so overwhelmed that I lay on our couch with my husband trying to convince me of the purpose of letting go. Embracing slow is a noble notion of clearing space for light and love but without releasing the old I am not sure it is truly possible.

If we keep doing the same we have always done expecting a different outcome then that is insanity. However when it comes to the pace of our lifestyle and the opportunities we are seeking for silence and recreation unless we edit out our life it is impossible.

Unless we strategically place limitations on what we give our time to and carve space for the new, we will stay in the same holding pattern of yesterday. As I carried box load after box load of treasures to the op shop my heart was heaving at the awkwardness of letting go.

I discovered vinyl records that I have not played for years underneath the rubble and they reminded me of moments from long ago when I dreamed of being in the place I am in fact today. This slowing of time to remember was powerful because I realised that I had grown and gathered. I had overcome and reinvented.

I walked around my studio and stood amongst the light and space finding a painting standing in the corner that had not been on my wall in over a decade. I picked it up and hung it above my desk seeing the words from Exodus 15: 1-3

“I will sing to the Lord for He is mighty exalted. The horse and its rider he has hurled into the sea. The Lord is my strength and my song. He has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him my father’s God. I will exalt Him. The Lord is a warrior, the lord is his name”

This was a song that Miriam sang as she remembered the powerful deliverance of her people with miracles that were in motion. There was something powerful from this story of movement and deliverance, letting go and beginning again that reminded me in a moment of the power of perspective.

There is a ritual awaiting you in the midst of the slow. Clearing space to find clarity often amongst the rubble of seasons of unmet expectations.

When was the last time you reinvented the space you exist in every day?

What about a cathartic releasing of the old to create space for the new?

Embracing slow is a season of letting go and honouring the present moment we sit within. Breathing deeply, releasing forgiveness to others and ourselves, discovering hidden memories from our past that remind us deeply of how far we have come.

Dear Jesus,

Help me to surrender to the rhythm of the old and create space for the new. Give me the wisdom to know what I need to let go of and the courage to step into the new. When I look back over the waters we have travelled together, help me to see the power of your presence no matter the darkness of the season. Slow me, Oh Lord, so I can see the miracle that is in motion and help me to surrender to the awkwardness of trusting you above all.

Tenderly,

Amen

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The circle of stories

The rain is dripping slowly down the window where I am typing, and my coffee is getting cold as I remember stories throughout my life that have changed me. Women were communicating their truth to other women. Circles of wisdom that have encased my perspective.

Have you ever felt stuck in a season?

Seasons have that ability to hold us captive, shrinking our capacity to see beyond the holding pattern of the moment. Then a story comes, filled with freedom, inspiration, and opportunity. Somehow the sharing of another’s struggle opens our hearts to the possibility in the midst of our current difficulty.

The power of another’s story has always inspired me with encouragement and strength.

As women, it is easy to ignore the awkwardness of gathering with other women because of our insecurities and baggage. Comparison and competition become the calling cards of our heart, and we shy away from any moment that unveils our feminine condition.

Have you ever heard another women say that they don’t like gathering around women?

I understand the pain and the discomfort often caused by painful experiences when women have held each other captive by nasty words on the tip of our tongue. However, when we embrace the stories, brilliance and courage of another something powerful can happen.

When was the last time you embraced listening slow and gathered with other women?

Women nurture. It is in their nature. When you gather around in a circle, where they are all on a level playing field, the stories that come as we sit together are life-changing.

There is a story of an Aunty in the Bible who has been waiting for years for her dream to have a baby to be fulfilled. Just as she has had this miracle answered her young niece, (scholars would say she was just a pre-teenager) came bounding to her house to say she was now pregnant also.

When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leapt in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice, she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favoured, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?  As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leapt for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfil his promises to her!” (Luke 1:41-45)

I heard this story over and over through my childhood, but only recently I have understood the pain and the public shame that immersed in this admission from Mary.

I loved how Elizabeth created space for this season to thrive under her roof and the way she extended her life and love to this young teenager, who was sure to be shunned, was nothing short of extraordinary.

It goes on in this story to describe how Mary stayed with her aunt for three long months. Elizabeth created a circle of encouragement around her young niece, and it was powerful.

When was the last time you slowed enough to acknowledge another women’s story?

When we slow the power of encouragement embraces those parts, we want to hide and helps us become whole.

“For thousands of years in villages and tribes around the world, women have come together to share, to teach, to listen and to learn. The pulse of these women still beats within us. Their wisdom flows through time, whispering to us the song of female connection and beauty. We only need to stop long enough and put our ear to our heart to hear the call.” Heather Ash Amara

Dear Jesus,

Help me to remember that every woman I met is facing a battle I know nothing about. Please help me to be kind in the face of opposition and to slow myself enough to listen with my whole being. When my daughter feels afraid, help me to listen and to share wisdom from my library of stories. God help to slow, so I can truly hear.

Amen