There are many days of late that I am walking by faith not by sight. One could say we are in an intense battle and if I listed everything that has been challenging us, the list would fill pages.
Today at 6.40am to be exact I got a call from my husband saying his car had simply stopped working. On his way to work, he had to pull over and wait for a friend who lived close by to come and rescue. We had the car towed to the mechanic and this afternoon we found out the engine has completely died and the only answer is a complete new engine.
We’ve laughed many times, that we will drive the car until it falls apart and it has been a faithful companion, through my single years, a funny story keeper from our dating days, an adventure bound journey maker on our honeymoon and it carried our little Man when he was just days old.
No matter how often you have used something, it is never a good day when it blows up.
I have been asking myself “Are we doing something wrong?”
The problem I am having of late though is with something I have wrestled out here in this forum before. I have been once again dancing hard out with doubt.
Worry is displacing certainty and my shield of faith has been shaking.
I have been contemplating questions like;
“What if the bad actually wins? What if good doesn’t get the final say? What if this has been all a big exercise of praying without answers?”
Heavy questions I know.
Yes, doubt has taken me on a ride and nearly taken charge.
Today Alicia, on the journey of 40 days of decrease, challenges the reader to allow doubt and uncertainty to form and mature us. Allow these times to decrease our reliance on self and to step out deeper into the waters of faith.
You see yes, doubt has the capacity to lead us off track but it also has the potential to fling us wider and higher into places of trust. We cannot trust something that we have not fully embraced. Unless we embrace the fear, unless we admit the difficulty, unless we wade into the thick place of questioning, we cannot find the space of reckoning that is required for a robust relationship.
When we wrestle we are strengthened.
When we ask, seek and knock we are found waiting.
I am learning to sit more comfortably with doubt. Allowing myself to question whether I am safe and what is safety. What is important and why so many people I know are going through time of trial.
I am lamenting and shouting, seeking and finding, asking and waiting.
This is a place of decrease.
This is uncomfortable.
But honestly, I would much prefer to be in this place of raw anticipation, than in a place of innocent pride unaware of my own self obsession.
I will never be too cool to say that I have questions.
I never want to arrive in a place where someone cannot ask me hard questions.
I want to be malleable, flexible and when doubt rears it’s ugly head not to be so focussed on shutting down a dialogue that makes me feel sick, but to dig deeper and find the real source of pain.
Stepping one day into uncertainty, knowing that as we walk with the broken and seek the Father of our beginning and end, that we are contained only by his love.
Everything we carry with us in this life will pass away.
I took a chalk and wrote on our blackboard…To remind myself, even on the days I am not sure if I believe it.
“For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” Psalm 91: 11
Day 36: stepping forward with my doubt tucked away in my pocket, learning to be okay with its weight.