You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Mary Oliver
Shauna Niequist had me hooked in her first stanza. I am not sure if it was because I was on a plane to Indonesia post a very busy season or the Catholic roots of my faith that echo in my loyal soul but my heart she breathed.
“Amanda, you do not have to be good.”
“It is okay to not have it all together.”
“Yes, that pain you feel sits high on your chest, let’s unpack its weight together”
Breathe, stop and heave.
The same realisation came eight years ago when I bought a Hawaiin beach shack in the little town that I grew up, running away from the pain that was so confusing in my workplace.
I stood with a real estate agent, it was the first place I had looked and I was smitten. Full of mold, carpet that reeked of cigarette smoke but it was five steps to the sea.
I had friends grieving from the deep sadness of illness that had consumed a dear friend, I was single and so very disappointed.
Quickly I said to the real estate agent, I want to place an offer on this little Oahu beach shack and my sea change recovery began. As I renovated the past from its walls, the heaviness in my heart released. Each time I walked over the road and breathed deep in the salty air, my questions were not answered but I found the space I needed.
In the midst of this massive season of loss and transition, I realised a deep theological question that had been hovering in my soul. It taunted me, it kept me awake at night and my sea change allowed it space to breathe.
The question was this;
“If I am good, then why do bad things happen?
or the opposite why do people who are bad have good things happen to them?”
In the midst of the sea change, I watched pelicans fly in formation and the tide change slowly from Summer to Spring. I needed to face these questions alone and I needed to reframe my deep beliefs that told me…
If I work harder, please more people and keep it together then I will be okay.
Do you struggle about whether you are good enough?
Shauna’s book Present Over Perfect has helped me unpack my need to keep everyone and everything ticking over so that my world doesn’t unravel.
I realised though all those years ago when I shifted away from the city, from friends who defined my sense of worth and a culture that was toxic, that it is okay to not have it all together all the time and as Shakespeare so eloquently describes in the Tempest;
A man is thrown into the sea, and under the water, he is transformed from what he was into something entirely new, something “rich and strange.”
The funny thing is less than a year ago we sold that little healing beach cave and bought a new place. It is like the journey begins all over again. Maybe that is what life is, a series of becomings.
I am looking forward to this journey of our Book Club together. February could possibly be the beginning of your tempest sea change.
It is funny when the word brave arrives in the stratosphere, we can start to heave from the pressure. The word itself is laden with images, meaning, and innuendo. A catch cry for our generation for adventure and success.
When researching this word recently I found that the word brave means;
“to show courage”
and “to endure or face unpleasant conditions or behaviours without fear”
I personally struggle with people pleasing and avoidance issues when it comes to pain. If something involves conflict with people or when pain arises my brave leaves the building.
However, I have realised lately that one thing that has been frustrating my sense of happiness and satisfaction is resolve. There are many parts of our world that we can’t resolve, but there are some things we can bring resolve to and when they are completed it is like the happy endorphins flood.
When we bring resolve to some of the dialogues hiding in the back of our minds, something shifts. Our brave story brings perspective and we are moved into a new space.
Book those appointments we have been putting off
The dentist scares me, I think about the fact that I need to book a dentist appointment often. I have written it on my task list, I have it written on the bottom of my family calendar and I ignore it. This year I am telling myself that I need to be brave about booking those appointments that I have been putting off. You know those appointments. They have come straight to your mind as you are reading my words. The pap smear, the mammogram, the skin check and the worst, the dentist. Every time we prioritise the urgent over the important it impacts our future. What if we together make a commitment to book those appointments we have been ignoring?
Have that conversation we have been hiding from
Lately, I have been thinking about a conversation that I need to start with someone but have been putting off. Have you ever had that incessant inner dialogue? We can so easily put off the painful to skip conflict but you know what the emotion resurfaces in other places. This year let’s together be brave and start conversations that matter.
Begin that project that we have been procrastinating on
Yesterday I began chapter one of my next book. I often have people ask how to write a book. My answer is often very simple. Begin. And if you get stuck, ask for help. Each of my four books came chapter by chapter day by day edit by edit. Coffee after coffee. Last night I was chatting with my husband about my book writing. It was a vulnerable, open moment I said “Babe, I have come to the place where I know my writing is not a best seller. In fact, there are many parts of my previous publications that I feel embarrassed about. But I am in the arena. I am having a go and I am daring greatly.” No one will ever say of my life, that I didn’t have a go. What are you waiting for?
Ask a friend for accountability
One of the most exciting parts of my new rhythm for this year is the accountability group I have set up online. Each year I retreat with people and we talk about change, goals, disappointments and regrets. The year goes by and only a small few I have been able to catch up with regularly to see the progression of these goals. This online group I have opened up to all my clients this year is probably the most exciting thing I have done in years. It is an encouragement circle that helps the group move forward. Who helps you be accountable to the brave steps you need to take in your life?
Write down the list of things we have been wanting to change but having been not willing to admit
Are their hidden whispers of ideas that stay hidden in your heart? One of the greatest ways to be brave is to put those ideas on paper. To meet up with someone like I do with people in one on one sessions and write a list of things that you want to change. Admitting the quiet, hidden thoughts can be the bravest thing we ever do.
Show up
Have you ever gotten an invite to something and you have put it away straight away from fear?
Have you been invited to something or wanted to attend an event like the Inspire Collective our quarterly gathering in Perth that brings people together to hang?
This year if we want to change, we need to be brave enough to show up at those events that we would normally dismiss quickly out of fear.
Start the study, apply for that job and reinvent our story
This header is pretty self-explanatory but… Start the study, apply for the job and reinvent the story. This takes big brave steps. Steps that often are done with fear and trembling. When we apply, when we fill in the form, we activate the shift in our the season for the change we have been waiting for. Start.
Let go of those people who drain and complain
This brave step is so difficult but we need to reframe the spaces in our lives that drain us of our inspiration. Does that mean I think we should block, unfriend and be unkind? no. Not at all. However, we need to be strong with our boundaries and reframe how much real estate space in our hearts. There comes a point where we need to be brave enough to say the negative dialogues are really draining and can we reinvent our friendship?
Stop the gossip
There is a part of my life that I often feel very disappointed in. A regular commitment to a group of people that leaves me feeling unsure, confused and sometimes downright frustrated. I have a close friend who knows how deeply this part of my life disappoints. One thing I have committed to my friend, however, is that I will not stay in conversations that tear down and talk negatively about this community. It takes a brave soul to stop a conversation that tears down others and a big soul that is able to sit in the place of unmet expectations but keep on reframing with grace. This year we need to stop talking about other people in ways that are difficult, mean and destructive. This brave step will honestly change your days. Walk away from conversations that are negative and destroying other people’s credibility. There is always another perspective in every single circumstance.
Speak up for those who are mistreated, forgotten and misunderstood
I am deeply passionate about humankind. There is a thread across our globe right now that is separating us into two tribes. The haves and the have-nots. Those who believe the same as we do and those who have different beliefs. This fracture runs very deep, but it will create irreconcilable damage. We all bleed the same blood. Humankind despite our colour, our preferences and our beliefs were purposed to work in unity. When we bring kindness and generosity to the fore, the world is a wonderful place. When we exclude out of fear, when we yell, conflict, war and dispute fear wins. We need to be brave this year and speak up for those who are mistreated, forgotten and misunderstood.
What do you need to be brave about this year?
Let’s find some resolve together and grow into a people who love differently
I am totally a Novice School Mum, but I have been on the search for some Mum hacks to prepare my family for some wins. Number one, tell my husband to bring wine home after work and chocolate and flowers. And takeaway Thai food. That is my sure fire success recipe for a happy Mum!
Here are some more gems I have gathered along the way…
Thirteen School Mum Hacks
B B Cream- Basically BB Cream, is an all in one Beauty Balm. It is super simple and super quick, but it is designed to combine all your beauty regimes into one. It moisturises, protects and corrects all in one. It sounds like I am advertising someone, but I am seriously not. It is basically a light foundation cream, sunburn cream and moisturising cream in one. I bought some from Aldi today, but my all time favourite is: Garnier BB Cream, it has been my go-to light foundation bronzer for years.
Whole Loaf Freezer- I remember at least twenty years ago sitting in my Aunts kitchen as she made a whole loaf worth of sandwiches at a time. My Aunty had eight children. We would sit and watch her make a whole loaf worth of sandwiches and then fold the bag down and put them all back in and put them in a freezer. Today I did this for Max. Ham sandwiches are his favourite. So I do a whole loaf at one time and back in the freezer, they go ready to grab out on the run.
Small Snack Recipes- Our families meal time culture is pretty good. We have a whole range of go-to recipes we use over and over, however, Max’s new school is a rubbish free school so finding recipes that are easy for snacks has been my current obsession. Today I made this cinnamon scroll recipe from Be a Fun Mum and it uses just a few ingredients and is amazing. I also make these Egg Snacks often. They are an amazing protein rich snack: wrap bacon around a muffin tin and crack an egg. Bake for ten mins. My kids love them and so does my husband.
Set your cars atmosphere- We have just put a new CD in our car that our kids absolutely love, they sing along and it helps me breathe. We also have a diffuser in our car, with essential oils that are simple but profound. This year I will be spending more time in my car than ever before, so I need to be the one who sets my car’s atmosphere.
Have a Mum Uniform- I was chatting with a seasoned school mum the other day and she said to me “Amanda you need to have a Mum uniform, just like you had one for your career” Simple, easy, go to clothes, that you can grab on the run and not spend hours in front of your cupboard each morning wondering what you are going to wear. One thing I have always done is to lay out my clothes, each night before a busy morning. When I am dressing my kids for bed, I lay out clothes for the next morning. I am not a morning person at all, so the night before when I do this helps me so much the next day.
Each Sunday Night Check my Calander- I have a family calendar on the back of our pantry door and I also have a calendar for work via google calendar on my phone. Every Sunday night I recalibrate all the calendars, checking in on our week, what is needed when and making sure everything is written down for my family.
My Kalita Wave- Rather than taking the time to make an espresso, the Kalita Wave, is a drip coffee system that is seriously as easy as instant but no one has time for an instant. Ha, ha. You grind some coffee, pour hot water over and take with you on the run. I bought mine from Five Senses. Here is their article explaining how to use it.
My Slow Cooker is my obsession- I cook with my slow cooker at least three to four times a week. I put everything and anything into it. Right now, there is a simple curry sauce, with a leg of lamb, that is slowly cooking away and I will add sweet potato and more vegetables to it closer to dinner time.
Over Night Oats- A simple and easy breakfast for all is simple oats, soaked overnight in individual serves. I love putting them in jars, some oats, some coconut milk and any additions that I like, cinnamon, apple, blueberries. In the morning I put some yogurt on top and off we go.
Washing Every Morning, Folding Every Night– Every school day, I wash in the morning and hang out before leaving the house and I fold and put away each load. It is funny, but when I have this rhythm happening, it is like everything else in my house runs much better. Wash in the morning and fold, put away at night. It is a satisfying way to keep this part of my families chores humming.
Handle my mail once- I have a little rule, that if possible, I try to handle my mail only once. As it comes in from the mailbox, I throw it away, I file it or I pay the bill as soon as I can. Pieces of paper aimlessly cruising around spaces can be so cluttery. So I have a little mantra. Handle the mail once. Junk- bin. Bills- pay them. Information required- on the back of the fridge. When they are finished with throw out.
Empty the Car- Each time I come in from the car, I do my best to empty it. Also whenever I have things that need to go with us on the way out, I line them up near the door. Each time I empty the car it recreates a simpler space for us to drive around in. This is a hard one for me, with a two-year-old, because I am constantly stopping her from running away, but I do my best to bring everything I have inside.
Buy the Flowers,Buy the chocolate and Buy the takeaway Thai- It’s funny some days how I end up feeling so sorry for myself waiting for someone to buy me flowers or acknowledge how hard I work as a Mum. In my career, yes I had people telling me what a bad job I was doing, but I also had so many people encouraging me along the way. I have learned as a Mum, some days, like today, you just need to buy yourself flowers. When we are kind to ourselves everyone wins.
These are just some thoughts from my swirling, first day of full time School Mum head.
Tell me your #schoolmumhacks and link me some great recipes and ideas below!
This morning I lined up at the uniform shop, with my list rattling around my head. I had been thinking about this day for quite a while, hoping and praying that I didn’t forget. Over and over in my mind, I have been subconsciously checking off everything on the list of what Max needs for school. Is his shoe regulation? Is his hair too long, short, styled or inbetween?
The pressure of a new school or a new class or meeting a new set of people can often create discomfort whether you are an introvert, extrovert or somewhere in the middle.
In the middle of last year after three operations in a short space of time, I woke from anesthetic in the midst of a panic attack. The cycle of reoccurrence with this health issue impacted me greatly last year. Little moments of anxiety have been laying dormant close to the surface and I have been on a journey of discovery around anxiety and its ways.
In an ideal world, I would watch a movie by myself, sleep for three days and restart my emotional health. As the Mum of two people, owner of businesses and wife I don’t have this luxury. Here are some ways that I have been creating space to feel less anxious over the last year.
TEN WAYS TO HELP FEEL LESS ANXIOUS THIS YEAR
Acknowledge the feeling and don’t try to ignore it.
Anxiety manifests in everyone in different ways. For me personally, I know I am feeling anxious, when I have a soft awareness of tightening in my chest. For no reason, with really no pattern or trigger, I can feel this grey shadow start to rise in my chest. It is like I can’t get enough air, into my lungs and I am breathing shallower. I am realising that one of the greatest ways to feel less anxious, is to actually admit that I am feeling anxious. Revolutionary hey. When I acknowledge the feeling and don’t try to ignore it, especially to those closest to me, I am one big step towards it fading away. Admitting that you need a break, that you need help or you just need a listening ear is the greatest step towards relief.
Find resolve in something simple.
Only recently I have found one of the hardest parts of parenthood is the relentlessness of the season. I personally feel most peaceful, when I have a sense of resolve. The more out of place things feel, the more unsure I am of my responsibilities, boundaries and opportunities, the more anxious I feel. Being anxious is not just a feeling for the shy and unsure. The confident, those with a great sense of purpose and those in leadership positions feel anxious often. What helps me find a sense of peace and rest is finding resolve in something, anything, not necessarily what is the cause of the anxious feelings. By writing a list, answering emails, making dinner, decluttering a room, ringing someone and generally just taking the time to bring resolve to something, anything can help me breath deeper again.
Reading and repeating positive verses.
Philippians 4: 6-7 says this;
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” I absolutely love this verse, it might even be one of my all time favourites. When I read this verse and I repeat this quote, it helps me reframe emotionally what is happening in the moment. A lot of people say that we need to empty our minds, but I believe when we fill our minds with good thoughts, it is a much more satisfying and long lasting space for growth and change. This scripture also goes on to talk about meditation and how we fill our minds. “whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” Reading and repeating positive verses and quotes reframe anxiety and bring the most amazing shift.
Drinking water.
I have found anxiety can be directly correlated this year with how much coffee I have consumed. After coffee number two, it is like a beacon that shines brightly saying “warning, warning, warning caffeine overload.” Unfortunately, though I don’t always listen to my body. Beverages with caffeine can increase anxiety. Replacing soda, tea, and coffee with water is a good place to start. It is important to limit the consumption of caffeine, sugary drinks, and alcohol. All of these liquids cause dehydration because it takes the body, even more, water to remove it from your body. As simple as increasing our water intake can help us feel less anxious.
Replacing coffee with tea.
Coffee is one of my greatest loves. I am a coffee connoisseur. I am learning though that one really good coffee a day and herbal tea is a much greater decision. For all the reasons above but also to reframe where I get my energy and motivation from. If you buy a great tea, the difference in taste is huge. If you are looking for a brand to try Seven Seas Tea is my absolute favourite.
Teaching myself to slow down.
I grew up in a family that didn’t really know how to rest. We had play down, we had working hard for others down but rest, yeah not so much. It has taken me most of my adult life to reframe busyness as being successful and being focussed on what is important. Lately, I have been listening to Erin Loechner’s latest book Chasing Slow and I relate so much to her theories about life. Chasing Slow, reframing what I say yes to and sitting comfortably with the discomfort of not achieving. Each and every time I slow my pace down, anxiety comes to say hello, but I am learning to say goodbye to it as well. I have been listening to this book via Audible as an audio book and that in itself has been teaching me to slow down as well.
Framing my spaces.
Over the last few months, I have really been loving discovering the simple beauty of the sense of smell. Through essential oils, I have been reframing stress, fatigue and the spaces that I exist in, encouraging deep breathing. You will often find me now diffusing a peace blend of essential oils and often I am surprised by how much joy oils have been bringing me. Deep breaths, clearer spaces and a calming environment that helps me move forward.
Short chats with friends.
My friends and I have been promoting a new rhythm in our friendships, that we chat on the phone more than we text. Messaging back and forward makes me feel quite stressed. I never know when the conversation is finished and whether I have answered someone properly and whether we have brought resolve to our conversation. I have been having more short chats with friends and this has helped me feel heard and helps me feel like I have been able to talk out some of my thoughts as well.
The healing power of the ocean.
I worked so much of my career inside offices and cafes, so I didn’t realise that normal people spent a lot of time outdoors. Walking kids to school, swimming in the ocean and generally just seeing the sun. A few years ago, when I retreated down south in the midst of near burnout, I was swimming at a beautiful beach and I heard these words. There is healing power in the ocean. This experience marked me so much, that I went home and wrote those words and I realised I had run away from the ocean because I had some really difficult memories there. Each and every day since I have been drawing myself towards the ocean. When I swim and dunk my head under, it is like I am resetting my soul to receive more from the new day. The ocean in its expanse and beauty, has the capacity to make us feel small and alive, all in the same breath.
Distracting my sleep time routine.
Scrolling through social media is one of the worst ways to try and develop a good sleep routine. Anxiety was reframed pretty much immediately when I limited how I fell asleep and woke up each day. Laying in bed scrolling on my phone is a terrible way to get our minds ready for deep and restorative sleep. Now I charge my phone away from my bed in our lounge room and I have a rule that I need to have a conversation with a human in the flesh before I have a conversation with someone online. It has been revolutionary. For stress, for relaxation, and for sleep. Deeply breathing in my sleeping space and falling asleep with peace and purpose.
I hope these little thoughts have helped someone out in my internet space.
Multitasking does not work. I think year after year I have tried to convince myself, if I just keep running, doing and juggling that I will be able to tick off my never ending task list. Maybe turning 40 was the catalyst and some really honest conversations with friends and mentors, but I have come to a very firm decision for 2017, that multitasking must go.
I think one of the greatest lies I have been telling myself as a Mum is that I can have it all. Just keep moving, just keep juggling and it will someday fall into place.
How are you going with your productivity?
Do you try to juggle ten things at once and give up on the couch with NetFlix?
This year I am wanting to achieve some pretty massive goals. Including losing weight, growing my writing skills and platform, selling books and writing three more. You may read all of this and think I am crazy but none of these will be achieved if I keep on juggling the never-ending task list. I have decided to stop multitasking and grow my capacity to focus.
TEN WAYS I AM STOPPING MULTITASKING
I am writing a task list on one piece of paper.
Do you have a pile of unfinished journals on your bedside table? Are you running four different notes on your phone with random scratchings of to do? I am learning to write something down on a piece of paper and to step away from technology, has been helping me refocus and move through my list with clarity. This task list has a domestic list, it has a to do list and it also breaks my day into AM, NOON and PM. The details of my day are emptied on here and I keep the same piece of paper until everything required has been followed through.
I am bringing intention to my yes and no.
As a people pleaser, it is easier sometimes for me to say yes, rather than my gut instinct of no. In the initial stages of conversation around adding something to my to-do list, I am learning to ask more questions. When the conversation begins to add something to my schedule, I ask more questions. I am also learning to focus on what is in my present, spending more time thinking about today and less about tomorrow. I take time in as season to reflect and dream about tomorrow, but I take the bigger goals and chunk them down to my present.
I am looking at ways to combine all my communication methods.
One of the most distracting parts of my life is the never-ending contact methods that are now open to us all. Over the last week, I have been looking into ways to combine all of these together. I am also asking people to contact me via email for work communication and personally I am prioritising phone conversations over texts back and forward. My closest friends have this new method of conversation it is called the5-minutee power catch up. We ring each other and sing 5 mins. We do a power catch up and have a great chat and then when a phone call is coming in, we know it is not going to be epic.
I am designing a weekly schedule that includes space and time for nothing.
I have spent a lot of my holiday period, looking at what my weekly schedule looks like. Across my week, I have allocated time for writing, time for exercise, one on one time with each of my children and home time. I love to spend time with women working on these tools in my solo one on one retreats. Taking time to create space and form to our weekly schedules. Writing them down somewhere really visible and re-visiting them often across our year.
I am taking one day each week to be phone free.
Every Sunday I am leaving my phone in our charging cupboard. We have a cupboard now in our lounge room, that technology gets placed in each night and also on Sundays. I want to be a Sabbath seeker. Where Saturday night I place my phone away and don’t come back to it till Monday morning. It is not a rigid religious rule, it is reminding myself who is in charge of technology. Technology does not rule my life and it needs to be put in its place. I believe we have become very unfocused as a culture. Where we are flitting from one thing to the next and if it doesn’t please us or interest us, we move onto the next. It would be interesting to see in the comments below, how many people read this whole article and how many I have lost already? Yes, this is dependent on my writing skills, but also it is a massive statement about how much we multitask. Rushing from one thing to the next. We have become terrible at waiting, always switching our attention from one thing to the next. My technology sabbath is helping me reframe my attention span.
I am listening to an audiobook each month.
Podcasts are not my strength, for no other reason than I struggle to listen to it and stay focussed. We can train our brains, however. Just like our bodies can be strengthened through muscle memory, so can our brains be taught to focus on one thing at a time. When I slow myself down and begin to give my attention to one thing, it grows my capacity and memory for other parts of my life. Audio books often go for ten hours or more, so I am learning to reinvent that space in my mind. Local libraries have an amazing selection of books and Audible is an amazing tool especially for those who travel in the car often.
I have turned all notifications off on social media.
I often have my phone on silent and when I am having a conversation especially in a cafe with a client or friend I turn my phone over or off. I am not sure when we all started believing that we should answer every social media comment or notification twenty to fifty times a day, but notifications are distracting and unproductive. I do not allow notifications to come onto my front screen and I do not allow my online space to interrupt my social face to face interactions. In fact, I am prioritising face to face, coffee catch ups, over long winded back and forwards online. I often say, can we facetime or skype about this, or why don’t you email me and book a catch-up.
I knit each evening.
I sound like a total Nanna but the best part about crafting like knitting is it is not my work. Creative people need an expression that is outside of their workspace to create a muse in their life. If everything you do is so focussed on performance and producing, then you will easily jump from one thing to the next, multitasking and which makes me loose the strength in what you do. An inspired worker is a productive worker. If you find yourself at an inspiration dead end, then maybe you need to explore a creative pursuit that requires your focus to develop a new skill, but one that is not based on performance and evaluation.
I am trying to truly listen to conversations rather than spending time working out how to respond.
We have all been there, in the midst of a conversation and we realise that we have no idea what the person is talking about. In the past, I have been obsessed with trying to find my voice, that often I spend time talking to understand what I am truly trying to say. I am trying to learn to be a better listener. To stop interrupting people and to breathe in the moment. Before I answer to ask questions so I really am able to stop myself from speaking from a place of what I think people have said, rather than truly hearing what they are saying. Slowing myself down. Training to listen more.
I am trying to remember to ask for help.
Lastly but far from least is I am trying to remind myself that I do not need to do everything perfectly or alone. When I feel overwhelmed I am learning to ask for help. One thing I have done for a long time, is I never go to a speaking appointment by myself. I ask a friend to come along and in those vulnerable places where I am unsure and don’t feel enough, I share the load with someone who understands. When I share the load, my focus returns and I remember the greatest privilege of life is who I do it with, not what I achieve.
Would you like to bring more focus into your 2017?
How are you bringing more intention to your everyday?
I’d love to spend time with you working on this and other life projects with my one on one-day retreats or my yearly mentoring packages. Click over and read more. Let’s continue to encourage one another in doing good.
