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A cure for narcissism

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Maximus hanging at the pond barista

The current generation is now been named the selfie generation. I sit right between generation x and y. There is now a whole cultural group of people who spend so much time looking at them selves, thinking about themselves and talking about themselves, that they don’t realise the extremism of their age.

Narcissism is the next step beyond selfishness. A narcissist has no capacity to have empathy for another’s story. Every situation they find themselves in, they have the remarkable capacity to blame the other person in the scenario. The inability to say sorry, or see something through a lens that is not tainted by their own expectations.

Narcissism is one of the greatest risks of our age. We are teaching a whole generation of children to go out and get whatever they want. We are teaching complete focus on oneself, on ones own needs and on ones wants. The internet and the over saturation of information has created this giant vacuum of self promotion and the depth of character and empathy is lost in its void.

A narcissist will do anything they can to get their own way, not worrying in the slightest about where that leaves the people in their wake. The problem with our current generation, unless we teach them, they will grow up believing everyone owes them something. That they deserve to get what they want and they need it now.

The greatest lesson we can teach our children is that character is developed in living our lives to help another. Every time we teach our children to look outside their own perspective, every time we tell them that they will have to wait for that toy, every time we tell them no, we teach them to live beyond themselves. When we show them intently that they indeed have the most beautiful life, yes that comes with its own challenges and heart breaks. We also need to show them the difference between our privilege and the lives that other children live. Not in an intense, you should be grateful tone, but an inspired, you can make a difference one. Teaching our children the beauty of empathy and compassion. Teaching our children to live lives of mercy and grace.

Our pursuit of legacy with our new business Maximus & Liberty is to break the cultural norm that we can get everything we want now! We want to teach our children about children in other nations, children in our nation of Australia that have nothing. Talking about stories where children who wake up in a tent on the streets in our city. Kids that grapple with the thought of finding somewhere warm to sleep, where they are safe, finding something nourishing to eat, doing something that is fun like surfing, a hobby, somewhere where they are equal to all in the ocean.

We want our kids to know that their namesake is to live a life of strength (Maximus) and freedom (Liberty) is not a privilege that all children are born into. We want to build a legacy that is beyond our own wants and needs, that helps and creates opportunities for people who don’t have much.

Are you afraid that you are a narcissist?

Then start to give away your stuff. Your time. Your privilege. Your intellectual property and don’t expect someone to credit it. Start to give away those things that are closest to you. Think of a legacy that is beyond you and those closest.

Measure how many times this week you think about yourself and your own needs in comparison to another’s?

I’m not writing this, saying we as a family have it all together. We are far from this. I personally worry about what people think of me. I often spend most of my day thinking about myself but we are aiming to create something that challenges our whole family to leave a legacy that lasts.

We are also calling you all to think about what legacy you are leaving. We are hoping that our not for profit business doesn’t just sell surfboards, stand up paddle boards and more, we are hoping it changes culture. We are hoping for revolution.

How are you impacting the current selfie generation?

How are you teaching those around you to think beyond themselves?

These are the questions we are asking ourselves.

Join the Legacy,

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What is your legacy?

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Christmas Kokonest from The Birds Nest Company, Perth.

What is your legacy?

Everyone of us is leaving an imprint behind on this planet. A signature that is uniquely you. Every word we speak, every time we type, every morning when we awake.

We are leaving a legacy. The word legacy is so deeply connected culturally within families to money, inheritance. It doesn’t take long though to find story after story, when a huge legacy of money is left but all it activates is jealousy, entitlement, greed and more.

Every time we hear a celebrity failure story, we are reminded time after time that money, success and fame does not equal character or a happy life.

In the last three years, we have given birth to two little people. Two little personalities. Two little humans.

Every word, action, failure, success, morning, evening and moment they are absorbing our messages we are teaching them. They are little sponges soaking up every atmosphere we engage them in.

Together my husband and I have been talking about what we want the content of our lives to look like. If we both played the movie forward to the ends of our days, what is the main message we would have wanted to teach our children? What would we want to be known for? What legacy would we want to leave on this planet?

We have talked and talked. We have dreamed and planned. Then one day my husband came to me and he said this is what I want my legacy to be.

Helping young people find strength, purpose and dignity. The dream of his business had been birthed. Over the last year he has been working so hard to launch and birth his legacy.

Named after our children, like businesses hundreds of years ago were, to make a statement to the world about the character and legacy of families, who are deeply passionate about their local community.

A website has been made, surfboards, stand up paddle boards, fins, wax, hats, watches, board bags and more have been designed and manufactured.

With a deep breath of courage we are stepping out into new days to create a life that we have dreamed of living. I am sure we will fail, I am sure we have so much to learn but we are desperate to live a life that makes a difference and to live a legacy that is just not a dream on a piece of paper in a journal but to step out and actualise those whispers.

Throughout this month I will be writing each day about Legacy and the beginnings of our family business start up.

The lessons.

The fears.

The opportunities.

The funny stories.

My desire is to awaken in you the dreams and the potential you carry to leave a legacy that echoes and reverberates throughout history.

What mark do you want to leave on this planet?

What do you want the history books to say about your time here on earth?

When you step into eternity what question do you think you will answer with what you were given?

We will be launching our online business, that will give away its profits to support children who are on the streets across the world and get them involved in surf projects.

Speak again tomorrow about legacy,

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Realising that I care too much

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Post Birthday Massage

Late at night on Wednesday I started another conversation with my husband that was so risky. It went a little like this.

I said “Hey Charl, why do you think I care so much about what other people think?

Silence,

Echo,

{Did I actually say that thought out loud?}

He said “Not sure love, but yes you value often what the crowd says, more than those who are in your gang.

Deep breath,

The vulnerability dance.

One of the greatest awakenings I have been having in my life of late, is the realisation that I do everything I can to escape pain.

The pain of exercise,

The pain of saying no to myself when I want to numb with food,

The pain of saying no to someone when all I want to do is say I will help.

Pain avoidance is one of the greatest challenges to finishing Brene Brown’s book from our online book club. I didn’t want to finish it, because I didn’t want to feel the pain of the words she pierced my numbing mechanisms to keep all my plates spinning.

My plates spin,

I keep myself busy to stay connected to the world,

But my writing and our book club worlds have been drawing me deeper into a place of contemplation and recognition.

Recognising that I really am deeply a people pleaser, that wants approval.

Recognising that I care way too much what people in the crowd think of me often at the complete disregard of those in my cheer squad.

Recognising that I numb the pain, when I do something brave, when I find my voice, when I create and people criticise me.

Recognising that shame patterns I learnt from a very young age, have created a fight or flight pattern in my relationships.

Recognising that I am deeply flawed but perfectly imperfect.

This month and this book have been transformational.  (Brene would say revolutionary) For me transformation, is when shifts start to occur so deeply that irrevocable change happens.

My writing is so often linked with creative pursuit, but this year has leaned more towards relationships and emotional wellness. The funny thing is they are linked so intrinsically and her book Rising Strong has confirmed this on so many levels.

I feel like I am just at the beginning of a curious journey that is helping me to not be afraid of my Wholehearted ninja self, to embrace my Hangry Bear and to step back and find perspective in the midst of my everyday.

I didn’t expect to be unpacking it all in front of you my readers and I also didn’t think I would actually finish the book. But yesterday I sat myself down at a beautician, I got myself a pedicure, I left my phone at home, I picked up a favourite little something for lunch and I finished her damn book.

I rose through the pain of its truth.

I found strength in the finish.

I looked for help beyond myself.

I faced my fear and fell forward.

Why did I struggle so much with this book?

Because I fail so often.

Because I have been hurt and let down before.

Because I have expectations that are so often not met.

Because I care so damn much all the time, but I am wanting to be a little more care free.

As a leader, as a speaker, as a writer, as a novice mum, as a wife, my expectations of others have been so formed by the unrealistic expectations I have of myself.

I am pretty sure I am still facing the aftermath of the truth I have read and processed here through the month of October and I am sure I will need to go find a someone professional to help me reframe some of the revelations with perspective.

I do know some prayers that I want to now pray, asking God for his wisdom and strength.

A question for our book club;

What is one emotion that this series of writing or the book has made you more aware of during October? Shame, embarrassment, curiosity, anger, grief?

And to tie it all together a final something from Brene… (if you would like a print out click here)

There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers

Than those of us who are willing to fall Because we have learned how to rise.

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;

We choose owning our stories of struggle, Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending. When we deny our stories, they define us.

When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives. We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak, Compassion from shame, Grace from disappointment, Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power. Story is our way home.

Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong

Thanks for being kind to me as I walked out this journey here on my online space. Thank you to Elaine and Jodie for being my whole hearted honest partners in what turned out to be quite a unique journey together. Lastly to Brene, Im not sure I like you anymore. I’m sure my friends and family will love you in the future, but right now your words have hit a deep and painful chord.

Can’t wait to tell you about my series for November.

Finding Legacy, a countdown to the launch of our not for profit.”

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Going back to university on a curious quest

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When Cousin Chloe steps through the doors of Ballet…

My posts of late have been quite emotion packed. It was never our intention to unpack our deep and raw from this book, in front of our online audience, but one of the greatest privileges’ of this season has been to read your stories. The emails, the facebook messages, the comments.

Your stories encourage my story.

Your courage provokes my courage.

Your Rising Strong after a season that tried to take you out, makes me want to endure.

My writing and speaking this year has had a really strong theme about the in between seasons of our life. The bit between our beginning and the end, has so much more worth than our society gives it. Lately I have been sensing though my season is not in between any longer and next year is really the launch of something breathtaking.

I believe that God is the author and finisher of our stories, I know we need to be a big part of the story, we are the ones who make the decisions, we are the ones who say yes or no, but I believe He is at work always to bring all things together for good.

For some this won’t make sense, but others you will know what I’m talking about, because you have lived it. The dance of faith. The opportunities that come about that you would never have been able to pull off. The ideas that are not your ideas, but they are divine.

One thing I have been playing around with for a couple of years is going back to finish my masters. The thought of adding something else back into my diary, completely does me in, but I have been finding a divine curiosity that is leading me down paths to find the very things I was created for. A curious dance with the divine and the timely sense that new is awakening.

This year I have enjoyed exploring people’s stories through the creative retreats that I have been running. I have run over 40 solo, private retreats and also I ran a big one, with my dear friend Cate Williams. Both of these journey’s have lead me to explore starting a Masters in Counselling, majoring in Art Therapy.

I don’t want to become a Counsellor. I want to help people creatively find their voice through creativity, I want to form my speaking and writing with study that will compliment my big idea, that creativity changes everything.

I believe so deeply in the power of connecting everyone of us with the Creator and finding a grace that was designed in you before the earth was even formed. Women need to give voice to the deep utterances of their souls, they need to give voice to those parts of their story that tried to hold them captive and to express the beauty that we see and create.

When we make we find healing.

When we are curious and we look behind the veil of something, we find refuge.

When we seek out new possibilities, we leave our past pain behind.

I’m on a curious quest to find more skills, to find more information, to keep going on the journey of what I feel compelled towards.

A divine path set before me, that takes courage to step out into.

What about you?

What are you curious about, that you keep shutting down?

It could be a significant key that unlocks your next?

What is inside of you that needs to find its voice?

Maybe you want to come and spend a day with me exploring those thoughts…

If so click here.

Speak again soon,

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Makers who find healing

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Every day my son Maximus and I have a silent ritual.

We take our baby Liberty to bed, we put her sleep bag on, we sneak out of her room, count one, two, three and take a deep breath and run to our making stations.

Maximus calls himself a master builder. The lego movie came out in perfect timing for my three year old to begin an obsession with building. At three he can sit at a table for three solid hours or more and build. When Libby is around the lego becomes a weapon, when she is asleep the maker in him comes out to play.

I see the glint in his eye as the fire truck is built, the stories that he makes up with his police men and the baddies who get caught and dragged off to jail. His lego world is full of activity, life and freedom. As he makes these little worlds, he finds his true personality and confidence.

Just like my three year old I am obsessed with making.

When my babes are falling asleep, I start to creep slowly, then I end up running towards my latest project.

It doesn’t matter if it is my laptop and a new book is in the wings, or my basket of wool as I create presents for someone, or my colouring in book as I reflect on what is going on in my mind, or my herb garden, my vision board or even what is on the stove cooking for my family for dinner.

Every time I make something, every time I produce something, every time it brings healing.

It heals my inner critic.

It heals the voice that says I am tired.

It brings a smile to a heart that is weary.

It expresses something I have been trying to say for weeks.

It unlocks my frustration and anger.

It calms my impatient attitude.

There is something so precious about making.

If you are feeling isolated, lonely, misunderstood, heart broken, not enough…

Then

Make,

Maker,

Make.

You were created to.

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If you are looking for some homemade christmas ideas click here to check out my downloadable book with 30 maker ideas.