Author: Amanda Viviers

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Learning that embarrassment is my own worst enemy

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Last night I rumbled and wrestled, hardly sleeping the whole night long. It was like I was fighting a battle in my sleep, with enemies such as shame, embarrassment and vulnerability.

I’ll let you in on a little secret after last weeks post about my Hangry Bear, I haven’t posted here, I hadn’t read my Brene Brown Book for this online book club, I shut them all away and pretended that I could just hide away from the reality in my today. I skipped chapter eight in fact and read straight through chapter nine, promising this weekend I would backtrack. I had to get this blog written. I had made a commitment.

I had kept my Hangry Bear at bay all week, until yesterday. With a serendipitous aligning of events, I found myself wrestling all day with feeling embarrassed.

Have you ever felt embarrassed?

Have you done something so brave and it just didn’t pull off?

The funny thing is I speak most weeks on a stage of some kind and every week I have to face the fear of embarrassment and carry on. Although many people think I am extremely confident, I question everything and I see all of the faces. The faces of people who I desperately want to like me. Last week, whilst speaking, I fell off the stage and tripped over my shoe. I cracked a joke and moved on, but when I came home to my little shack, all I wanted to do was hide away and never come back out again.

Lately with my speaking I have been questioning myself over and over. Am I too loud? Am I too passionate? Am I too much?

The too much question, gets me every time. Too strong, Too opinionated, not sweet and palatable. It is like my mouth was designed to provoke. It is like my hands were designed to type questions that dig deep. It is like my heart was called to swim into wide, open passages. It is like my brain was created to keep challenging the status quo.

My heart aches often for those who don’t see their own potential.

My mind battles daily with the tall poppies and the online bullies.

My soul yearns for something more.

I feel way too much and that often causes me to feel embarrassed.

The greatest part of the Book Club we have formed around Brene Brown’s latest book, is that I have become more curious around my emotions. It is like I am stepping back and watching myself react, I am listening to my inner record player and I am learning.

This week I have learnt that embarrassment is often my greatest weakness in the midst of a emotional battle.

If I feel embarrassed, I react strongly. The feeling of shame and being made fun of deeply rocks me.

So back to yesterday, It was a perfect storm of embarrassment for me and it made me wrestle the whole day long. I withdrew from my family, As we stood in the shopping centre I asked them to stop embarrassing me, even though they were doing nothing out of the ordinary. I tried to hide from my husband.

I wrestled.

I questions.

I got angry in my half sleepfulness.

I rumbled with the feeling of failure that overwhelmed me.

Then this morning, as I walked out to my family at breakfast, all I wanted to do was carry on with my distancing dance.

Then something curious got a hold of me.

Over coffee, over eggs prepared by my holidaying husband, I sat down directly opposite him and I quietly spoke. I asked forgiveness for my distance, I explained what parts of my heart felt so vulnerable, I faced the dirt that was making me feel unclean.

I owned my story.

Chapter seven, eight (unread) and nine you have been annoying me.

However, if you are causing me to face my shame and come out clean to those who I can totally trust, then you are worth the wrestle. A rumble that echoes words like transformation, whole hearted living, connectedness, peace, hope and authenticity.

Hoping to write a little more this week.

Maybe that quiet conversation has broken the embarrassment drought and is calling me to process through writing once again.

Question; What emotion have you been made more aware of through this book club, reading Brene’s Book or just reading these posts?

This is one quote that has been ringing through my heart and mind this week;

brene

Happy Weekend My Readers,

May the curious force be with you and may change be following not far behind.

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those childhood memories that ruin our creativity

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Sydney, Australia “The Grounds”

Every time I try to diet, go raw, eliminate sugar, go dairy free, gluten free or paleo, the worst result of my efforts is what I like to term my “Hangry Bear”.

One day I am focussed, motivated and determined, next minute I want to tear the head off any person that is in my vicinity.

Food and I have a very sordid past.

I don’t have a long list of ex lovers or a deep history of family dysfunction but I have a whole cupboard full of stories that will make a decent memoir one day.

A memoir about diets, failure and the never ending New Years Resolution of finding my health again.

My Hangry Bear self is always associated with food or lack of it.

My Hangry Bear comes out roaring especially when I feel embarrassed, when I feel shame and when I feel defeated.

The Bear self is not actually hungry, it is just demanding attention, it is asking for my help, it is seeking someone to tell it to calm down everything is going to be okay.

Lately I have discovered a story that is directly linked to the birth of my Hangry little bear. I was ten years old, I remember the colour of my ballet leotard, I remember the moment when my Ballet teacher read out the words, that would forever change my relationship with food.

One line written in stone, that birthed a angry, shamed filled relationship with food that has plagued me ever since. A little ballerina, who desired so much to live her adult life on a stage performing and dancing to make people smile.

The examiners words on my report card that year, completely changed the course of my life.

She wrote this; (I was not even in highschool yet)

“Amanda, has the capacity to go all the way to the top with Ballet, except she is too fat.”

Full stop.

Hello Hangry Bear.

Hello food as my comfort

Hello food every moment when I feel shamed, embarrassed or on the verge of dreaming for greater days.

I battle with food, because it is my arch nemisis of both pleasure and pain.

Talking with a counsellor recently she asked me this question “If you could go back to that moment and speak to the little girl what would you say?”

I replied “I wouldn’t talk to the little girl, I would walk straight up to that examiner and I would tell her that she was wrong. That words have such significant power over children and do you know the damage you have done in writing such condemning and shaming words over a young childs life. A child that so deeply respects and reveres you.”

My adult response floored me.

I felt empowered, I felt overwhelmed at the capacity to stand up for my ten year old me.

I felt like for the first time in my life, I could rebuild those broken ruins and calm my hangry bear.

Maybe my bear could even go into hibernation for a very, very long time.

I am still battling every day at the moment with this area of my life, but Brene Browns latest book Rising Strong is completely unravelling these parts of my life and asking my shivering, shamed self to step out from those places that are holding me captive.

Chapter four and five have been very difficult chapters for me to read.

As we rumble with those Hangry Bears hiding in our deep places and when we face the true reason why we are responding out of shame, failure and hiddenness we cannot go back again without changing.

We can read words such as;

“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fast, fun or easy; and choosing to practise our values rather than simply professing them.” Brene Brown

Here in this forum I can be all “you can do it”, “live the life you have dreamed of” and “Go make your dreams happen”…

I cannot be completely true to the whole picture, if I am not facing the sewer rats from my past, those stories from my childhood so deeply connected to my creative pursuits, dreams and passions and make you think that I have it all together.

I rumble and wrestle constantly with my weight, because I allow those stories from my past to frame my appetite instead of the truth.

When I choose courage when I look in the fridge rather than comfort.

When I choose to do what is right for my health, my family and my future rather than what is fast, fun or easy.

When I choose to practise the values I write about here instead of just professing what I think you want to hear.

Only then am I able to face those places of deep brokenness and see ever lasting change.

This year I am facing down that Hangry Bear and I am determined to discover what it is that provokes Him. I am determined to find ways to woo Him. I am wanting to live beyond this place of shame and embarrassment in my life.

phew.

That was heavy,

A question for our book club members who are reading along and commenting.

What goals have you set, that rock up on your New Years List every year? Do you have a Hangry Bear running around wreaking havoc, trying to undo your efforts every year?

Today, is the first time in a long time that I don’t want to press publish.

Woah,

This book is hard work,

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The year is not over, what did you promise to yourself.

amanda

Three years ago in the midst of the crazy aftermath of giving birth to my first child, I pulled out five note cards and wrote down intentions for five areas of my life.

  1. My Family
  2. My Purpose
  3. My Community
  4. Womankind
  5. Those who don’t have much

They were pinned up on my vision board above my computer and I muddled through the massive life change of leaving my job, my vocation and picking up the Job of Novice Mum.

I was terrified. I wrote big, audacious intentions that I wanted to do something with my years at home with little babies. I didn’t want to fade away, lost in a pile of nappies and wipes but at the same time I wanted to be present as much as possible to the fulfilment of my miracle of Motherhood being realised.

One of those big ideas on my intentions list for “My Purpose” was to run a creative retreat for women just like me. To have the courage to step out and create an event, that I would want to go to. An event that I needed.

A few days after I came home from this event realised, I was overwhelmed. I was scared, I was full of fear, “was it enough”, “did people like it”, “was it safe, was it welcoming, was it okay.” Questions that we all ask ourselves about most things in life, but when we step out and create something that you haven’t seen before, something that is original and full of your heart and personality, it is deeply vulnerable stuff. I had people asking for next years dates, I had sponsors offering to fund the next one. It was actually really scary.

As I sat there thinking about the most amazing stories that had transpired, I looked up on my dream board and pulled down those five cards. One by one, I put a line through all the things that had actually come to pass over the last few years.

I had intentions and I put them into action. They were focussed on a bigger purpose and I just had a go. I gathered a team, I looked for like hearts, I prayed, I worked hard. Together a group of like minded women, created a space were there was little competition and comparison, there was huge amounts of grace and it was breathtaking.

The funny thing is as I sat and looked at this dream realised, I thought deeply about my intentions for this year. I had just two things that were my big goals for this year. The first one to lose the weight I have gained with two babies in three years and also to publish my manuscript “Dear Single Self” for women over 25 who are single.

I sat there very soberly thinking even though this amazing event had transpired, the year was not finished yet, I haven’t achieved my two big goals for this year.

Then on Sunday the message at church that said this;

“Turn good intentions into great actions by having a big purpose, giving a big effort & serving a big God. Just do it.” Haydn Nelson. (here is the podcast of this message)

Monday morning hit and I was out exercising again, I have cut sugar and wheat out of my diet once again. I have opened up my manuscript and am ready to send it nervously out to more publishers.

Both of these big intentions are such vulnerable parts of my life. My hands are shaking as I write this blog. This year is not over though and I will keep moving towards the promises I made myself in my Change Reflection Pages.

What did you promise yourself this year?

What did you say that you would do?

I am here to tell you that the year is not over yet.

It is not too late to have another go and to rise again strong. If you wrote out your Change Reflection Pages, pull them out and have another read.

Just do it!

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Finding the bigger picture: how to fight fair.

Fighting Fair

One of the hardest things to do in the midst of intense conflict is to find the bigger picture.

Albeit difficult, those who have the capacity to find perspective in the midst of confusion, misunderstanding and difficulty are the ones who end up with satisfying relationships. Those who can’t find the bigger picture, go around the fighting ferris wheel over and over, never finding what they are desperately looking for.

Every conflict has the capacity to create deeper and long lasting relationships or wound every person in the story.

None of us want conflict in our lives. Even those who are confrontational in their style of communication, will walk away wishing that that conversation went down differently.

What if we were empowered with some tools that helped us find perspective quickly in the midst of conflict?

Lately, I have found three simple ways to help find the bigger picture in the midst of conflict and these have been helping me so much in the midst of my difficult conversations.

Finding my voice

Imagine your life right now was a movie and every movie story line is soaked in conflict. Without conflict the story has no movement and shape. The difference between a movie though and real life, the emotions we feel in the midst of conflict are very, very real.

Most conflict happens in a movie when the protagonist (the lead character) looses their voice in some way. When they feel they are not being heard, when they are being silenced, when they are being misunderstood, when they are facing injustice or when they are hurt.

These are the same reasons why conflict occurs in our everyday lives. Most fights in our everyday, are actually about what is happening inside of us, not the circumstance that is causing the difficult conversation.

When I became a first time Mum, one of the greatest difficulties and also greatest opportunities was when I gave up full time work. I realised this season silenced me. It was like when I lost my job, that I also lost my voice. I was defined so much by my work, that when I no longer had a position any more, I realised that I had built my confidence around what I did, rather than who I was.

In this year, I made a decision to write on my blog every single day. It was through writing that I started to find my voice again. I dug deep, I delved into the greater story. I found perspective. I realised that writing was an important tool in helping me find internally the parts of my story, that I felt had been taken away.

My first thought is this…In the midst of the conflict, one of the reasons the fight gets dirty, when we feel like we are not being heard and not able to express properly what we are truly feeling.

“We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced.” Malala Yousafzai

You will constantly be fighting with people and you will not be satisfied by any of your relationships, if you are not finding a way to express yourself healthily. Learning deeply what you are trying to say and finding peace internally before the conflict even starts. Most conflicts have nothing to do with the actual circumstance but everything to do with our internal peace.

Step back and think “What am I actually trying to say?”

Find the pause button

Our greatest regrets are the things we have said in the heat of the moment that we wish we had never said. There are moments in the midst of destructive conversations, that we need to press pause.

Im not saying stop the conversation, because when we stop communicating, when we become passive aggressive, we loose our voice and we all know what happens when people stop communicating, something small happens and they erupt.

The thing about pausing a movie, is we come back and press play again.

We need to find the bigger picture in the midst of the conflict, press pause, find the grace, find the bigger picture and then find a way to process the first point of what we are really trying to say.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”Brené Brown

We all get it wrong, we are designed to struggle, but when we press pause and when we gain perspective we remember we are worthy of love and belonging. In that place of strength we communicate with so much more clarity and peace.

Step back and find perspective in the pause.

Find the best possible reason

Lately I have been doing this little thing which is honestly changing the conflict in the midst of my life. Conflict with my toddler, conflict with my husband, conflict with my family.

I ask myself this question.

What is the best possible reason I can find for this behaviour?

Instead of going crazy in my head before the conflict starts, or in response to something really nasty that has happened, I get creative and I ask myself to come up with the best possible reason for the behaviour.

Honestly us humans are not great at this. Often we think things about what other people are thinking and we so often get it totally wrong. The depth of emotion that flies out mid conflict is all in direct association to the way we think about the person and the circumstance in the days post or pre conflict.

We are our worst enemies in this battle zone.

What if when something annoying happens, we find the best possible answer rather than the worst.

Step back and ask what is the very best possible explanation for this behaviour?

It actually starts to become fun. Try it sometime.

I hope these three thoughts on conflict resolution help you find some more peace in your relational worlds and help you to fight and communicate a little fairer.

Speak again soon,

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The problem when your instagram feed looks nothing like your real life.

Be who you are
Be who you are

“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable but our wholeness, even our wholeheartedness, actually depends on the integration of all our experiences including the falls.” Brene Brown, Rising Strong

The age of the internet is such a funny thing. One moment our lives look perfect, filtered and divine, the next we are oversharing, hoping, wishing, wanting someone to acknowledge our pain.

Navigating our way through the balance of authenticity and vulnerability is not just a now topic it is the wrestle that integrates our experiences into living a whole life.

Does your instagram feed look the same as your facebook personal revelations?

Have you wrestled with oversharing on the internet?

Ever felt vulnerable and wish you had never shared the truth?

Does your instagram feed look nothing like the reality of your everyday life?

As I spend more and more time here on the internet, I find it to be the most telling of social experiments.

When I step back and watch someone’s life, unfold across the pages of facebook, instagram and the blogging sphere, it is a very telling tool to the balance or lack of balance in emotional well being.

It is like our online voice is a very telling map, that quickly leads us towards the true state of our heart.

Is your online footprint full of smokes and mirrors?

Do you say things on instant messenger that you would never say to someone personally or in a public sphere?

Do you bully people, compare, compete and down right bitch and then suddenly filter it all together to make a unique, consumer focused product?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about designing the life that I truly want. I have been thinking about some of my friends who have no online life at all, they don’t even have a face book page and I wonder whether that is the answer?

Should I just step back and have nothing to do with this arena?

Whilst reading chapter three Owning our stories, from Rising Strong, I was so compelled by the culture we are immersed in. As I read through her thoughts I couldn’t help but think about the difference between our online impressions of what our life is and the actuality of our everyday.

Brene talks about the latin root of the word integrate which in its purest form means “to make whole”. I have been thinking, maybe we struggle as a society to live whole hearted lives, because we compartmentalise so much. In this part of my life, I am this person. In this arena, I am that person.

Maybe we are confused, because there is no bridge between all the different roles we are playing and how much people think they know about us, which is only half of the true story?

What is the answer?

Brene proposes in this chapter of the book, that creativity is an amazing tool to connect different parts of our story together and to find our true voice.

This is my book club question that arose from this chapter,

What do you do creatively that makes you find your voice or feel whole?

Every time I knit or write, there is something authentic about myself that comes together in the process. I think the times that I do this with no agenda at all, not to try and make money or impress anyone, these creative pure times, are when all my different parts start to come together.

As I knit, I meditate and think, I produce something that I hope will make someone, somewhere feel warm and loved.

As I write, I ask myself questions, I look for answers, I think about the truth I find in people’s stories and scripture.

The problem about my writing and my knitting is that social media is an amazing tool to connect people with the power of these creative pursuits in my life. I have to make sure that the bridge I am building between other people and my everyday life is an honest and true one.

Otherwise the disconnectedness between the two makes me feel like a total fraud.

And that is not the kind of life that I am pursuing.

I cant wait to read Elaine’s thoughts on Monday.

Comment along below with us…

I love to hear your thoughts about connectedness, creativity and living authentically in the culture we are immersed in.

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