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don’t be a jerk

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One of the hardest parts about being a mum of a newborn is all the opinions.

I suppose I ask for it, writing so openly and honestly here…

but seriously don’t be a jerk.

A jerk in my books is a person who offers all their opinions and their sure fire fixes to every problem in a persons life without them asking for it.

You know the cliches;

They start when you are pregnant.

You can’t do that…

You can’t do this…

Don’t forget to…

Have you read this…

The tirade of opinions and cliche remarks that are given to pregnant and novice mums is overwhelming.

Whether it be the quick way to loose that baby weight, whether it be the study that proves that baby carriers are unsafe and the list goes on and on.

I have been a jerk at times.

Those days when I give people my opinions about circumstances when they have not been asked for.

Those days that I give my friends advice when they just needed to be listened too.

Those days when I tell unsuspecting strangers how to get their child to sleep, when I know nothing about them, their style of parenting or even their house configuration.

We have all been there. A unsuspecting friend is about to get all oprah’d by our thoughts and opinions when all they need is a little love and encouragement.

So here are my Novice Mum thoughts on…

How to not be a jerk.

  • Don’t give your opinions unless they are asked for.
  • Celebrate the uniqueness and difference in all of our parenting/ lifestyle choices.
  • Don’t judge, you have no idea what is going on underneath that outward expression.
  • Listen.
  • Be kind.

This week I read a post from a new blog that my friend has started called 30 something and single. 10 things single people don’t want to hear.

Her post shows another season in people’s lives that bring out the inner jerk in us all.

Don’t be that person who says one of these cliches to single friends, often to make yourself feel more comfortable in an awkward moment of conversation when sometimes there are just no answers.

as we are

Anais Nin says it perfectly

We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.

Sometimes our perspective is helpful, it is insightful, it is kind and it is very wanted.

Other times though, in fact in my life most times, unless I specifically ask someone for advice, mentoring or their wisdom, the opinions can actually be hurtful.

I was having a conversation with a new mum the other day who felt so overwhelmed at all the different advice she had been given about breast feeding and she was so confused. I said to her, ‘What does your instinct say? What does your gut say? What do you think?’

Most often I find people know the answers to their questions, they just need time to discover it by processing it through with someone.

I am committing to lessen the cliche quick answers, to increase my listening and point people inward to their inner voice and the answers found inside.

Don’t be that jerk.

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of the parental kind.

parental kind 2

of the parental kind
A little poem that was floating around in my head at 4am this morning when I was feeding my little lady.

Dedicated to my body builder, our unreal experiences, those things no-one told us…

of the parental kind.

They lied but I still like it…

Early mornings,

Broken sleep,

Unmet expectations,

of the parental kind.

Blueberry purple stains,

Racing cars under feet,

Tantrums and melt downs,

of the parental kind.

Chocolate on elephants heads,

Shoes on the wrong feet,

Toilet train bribes,

of the parental kind.

Pancakes with lemon butter,

Animals at our local fair,

Train blurred moments,

of the parental kind.

Toys in our bed linen,

Bubbles in their bath,

Reading books by torchlight,

of the parental kind.

Lego built mansions,

Rolling down sand dunes,

Overwhelmed by little moments,

of the parental kind.

Loud lullabies at midnight,

Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets,

Abney and Teal giggles,

of the parental kind.

Whispers saying I luff you,

Best friend promises by boys,

Golden hazed memories,

of the parental kind.

Not what we expected,

Many noises and patience required,

but overwhelmedly sublime privileges,

of the parental kind.

Dedicated to my Charl on this Fathers Day.

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I feel safe now…

train tales

train tales 2

train tales 4

train tales 3Last tuesday, a week ago today, we went on an adventure.

My son Maximus is toilet training and one of his rewards is a train ride, when he wins in the toilet department.

Often he will run in and out of his room and tell us confidently ‘Next station stop…Canning bridge, next station stop…Kwinnnnaaannna’.

A regular tuesday, a typical day in the life of a toddler, a mumma, a body builder and a newborn.

A new playground, a much needed coffee, I wasn’t expecting a very simple story to enter my normal.

As we got off the train at Leederville station, I noticed a young woman standing tentatively at the bottom of the ramp.

I stood behind her waiting for her to start her journey upwards.

She looked at me and simply said ‘I am afraid of heights.’

I said to her, ‘That’s okay, do you want to hold my hand and we can walk the bridge together?’

You see this particular ramp off the train station at Leederville, connects to a bridge that takes you across a four lane highway.

My truck, train, bus, ambulance, helicopter, plane, car, anything that moves toddler thinks this bridge is absolutely brilliant, but for the fearful of heights I can see this would be a Mount Everest of trekking proportion.

So there I was, midday walking across a bridge holding hands with a stranger.

As we got closer to the end of the short journey, she turned to me and said simply ‘I feel safe now.’

I let go of her hand and she walked off to find her friends.

This young woman had downs syndrome and her tenacity at facing her fears and acknowledging her needs to a stranger was a profound lesson in trust to this novice mum.

I was thinking about this simple story a few days later and I likened it to my relationship with God and how much easier it could be if I just trusted him.

Stating what my fear was, walking across the distance holding his hand and then walking away knowing that I felt safe again.

This week I have been thinking about Psalm 136 and how His love endures forever. Across the chasms and the fears that engulf our days.

Psalm 136: 10-13

‘He rescued Israel from their oppressors = his love never quits.

Took Israel in hand with his powerful hand = his love never quits.

Split the red sea right in half = his love never quits.

Led Israel right down the middle = his love never quits.’

No matter what we are going through, no matter the fears we face, no matter the largeness of the journey we must endure, His love will never fail us.

He delights in us,

He fights for us,

He remembers us,

He cares for us.

His love never quits.

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Sleep like a baby

libby 4
libby 3Our little lady turned one month old this week and we have been learning the art of sleeplessness.

Child number two brings with it a great lot of experience, but no matter the lessons learnt on our initial prototype, we (as is any parent of a newborn) are always looking for ways to get more sleep.

Honestly though, no matter the tricks of the trade, babies have tiny stomachs that need to be filled and feeding every few hours is imperative, so all the people that say their newborn slept 8 hours, many would say this is not healthy for the baby or the breastfeeding Mum. So if your little one wakes often, it is very normal and you are not a bad parent.

In the first week of Liberty’s life we had the most profound experience.  It sounds bizarre but we learnt sleep lessons from a photo session we had with Shining Light Photography.

libby two

We arrived at Natalie’s home, to find an environment ready for our one week old to be photographed in.

Each photo was carefully taken, with love and care treating our new little human with the utmost respect.

My little girl goes from zero to one hundred in the crying department and there are two times that she screams;

When she has wind and also when she is naked.

That is why I found this photo shoot amazing. Our little Liberty spent most of the photo shoot naked, but cried maybe once in the three hour session.

libby 5

libby oneNatalie the owner of this business does portrait photography but specialises in newborn shoots and these are the lessons I learnt in sleeping like a baby from this creative experience.

1) Shut out the light;

We went into her front room and it was really dark. You would think you would need bright lights, camera, action. This was not the atmosphere for this shoot, dark, moody lighting, as dark as possible to keep our one week old asleep. 

The lesson I learn’t is there are many lights that make their way into our bedrooms, much more than daylight behind a blind. Often we go to bed with our phones and the light penetrating the darkness, conditions our bodies to stay awake, rather than fall blissfully into sleep. Does your mobile charge next to your bed? Is there computers, modems, televisions, in your sleep space that shine little technology shaped light into your sleep cocoon? If so and you are having trouble sleeping, maybe work on the little bits of light that come in and create as much darkness as possible.

2) Warmth;

The environment that my little girl had her photo taken in, was really warm. Heaters and reverse cycle air conditioning, kept her toasty.

How is the temperature of your room? Are you cold? Are you hot? Are your blankets sufficient? I think whether its our children or our own rooms, the temperatures for sleep are really important. A warm room, is inviting and brings a huge sense of sleepiness to a household, especially in winter. The other thought I had from this lesson in sleep, was if you are struggling to fall asleep, the old wives tale; a hot shower or a hot drink of milk. I have been drinking a tea called Sleepytime tea. Especially because I am waking every two hours to feed our little lady, by the time I have fed her, re-wrapped her, burped her, laid in bed waiting for sleep to take over, then the cycle is happening again. So this tea has been helping fall asleep quicker. Warmth is a great tool to help with our sleep cycles.

3) Noise;

Our little lady was surrounded by the most beautiful sounds as she laid on the soft furnishings for her photo shoot. Coming out of the womb only a week earlier, sounds are really important in helping newborns sleep.

For the first year of our little man Maximus’ life, we had music playing twenty four/ seven. Worshipful, peaceful, lullabies that helped our whole house relax. When I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed at 3am trying to get Libby back to sleep, soft music encourages and helps me to relax and let go of my need for perfection. There is something powerful about music. Especially meditative, worshipful tracks. If you struggle to fall asleep, have you tried music to help you relax and centre yourself in this time of transition from wakefulness to sleep?

4) Physical Touch;

The girls who were moving and shaping our little baby to take her photos, keep a hand on her back the whole time, to help her feel centred and nurtured.

Whether it is a two year old who is struggling to sleep, your husband or a tired mumma, the power of physical touch is amazing in helping our bodies to relax. Giving our children simple and safe massage, on their shoulders, on their hands…Whether its our partners and giving them a massage or whether you are single and you get regular massages from a professional. The power of physical touch to help us sleep is immense. I have found with my little libby, if she is unsettled in the middle of the night, I put my hand on her stomach and rock her gently, reassuring her back to sleep.

5) Smell;

Throughout our whole session, the most amazing vanilla candle was burnt, creating an atmosphere that was so inviting. 

Lately I have been burning candle melts most days in our house, to bring a sense of warmth, peace and atmosphere to my sleep deprived home. I found an electric lamp that safely burns candle aromatherapy melts, without an open flame which can be really unsafe with little toddlers around. Whether it is vanilla or lavender, mint or coconut, calming aromatherapy smells can really help you relax into a state of sleep fulness.

These five simple sensory tools, made for the most delightful experience for our family. As you can see from the photos, we are blown away with the results.

I highly recommend Natalie and her staff for a newborn shoot or any other family portraits if you live in Perth or its surrounds. Jump on her website and say you saw her work on my blog.

For all those sleep deprived mumma’s and papa’s out there, I hope these little tips, help you and your family to find the sleep we all so desperately need.

Speak again soon

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kiss and drive

Amanda cover

Last Saturday I spoke at a women’s retreat with some of my closest friends.

Kelley told a story about her teenage son, that completely cracked me up, she told the ladies how she had her son convinced, right until the end of primary school that ‘Kiss and Drive’ the drop off point at the front gate of the school was exactly that.

Kiss

and

Drive

She explained as her son grew older, she felt him start to inch away from him and physical touch became ‘uncool, unwanted and definitely not at the school gate’.

She told him though, that it was the rules. He could not leave the car until he kissed her every morning.

In highschool he became a little wiser and could not believe that she had fooled him for so many years.

As I walked away from this story and the women’s retreat, I had these words ringing in my heart.

Coupled with this story, I had read an article on the internet that week as well, about toddler tantrums and how to combat them.

The psychologist was preposing, that physical touch was one of the best ways to counteract toddler tantrums and quickly bring sanity to the moment.

Enter my current reality.

I have a two and a half year old and a three week old.

I have noticed my son Maximus, starting to respond a lot more emotionally to situations in the last week and so I did what was current and increased the hugs in our household.

One lunchtime he sat at his highchair exhausted, crying for no real reason…

Just at the end of his emotional capacity.

I grabbed a chair, sat behind him and just hugged him. I held him for more than 20 mins.

I held him and he did not want to let me go.

max and libby 2

max and libby

This week I have found myself hugging my husband more.

Holding my baby closer to my chest.

Pulling my family in, to counteract the transition of the season.

Physical touch.

Just the thought of touch, has been almost dirtied in our contemporary times, with Dads not knowing whether they will be judged for intimacy with their children, Mum’s so busy that slowing their family down one hug at a time is complex.

Hugs…

Kisses…

Family intimacy has been relegated to quiet whispers, hoping not to be criticised for our public displays of affection.

I am determined to be a Mum that extends physical expressions of my love to my family as often as I can.

Without fear of condemnation.

As my son grows older, I am going to increase not decrease holding him.

amanda and libby

mum libby and me

If I am feeling frustrated with my toddler I am going to hug him.

If I am feeling far away from my husband because he is working hard for our family, I am going to hold him when he arrives home from work, expressing my thanks without words.

Late at night when my newborn is fussing and unable to sleep, I am going to kiss her head and snuggle into her smell, holding her close in this season, to bring comfort and calm.

My natural desire is to pull away and want to regroup by myself, but in the midst of hard times physical touch brings comfort and I am determined to surrender to it.

I must admit I am not a natural hugger. I sometimes feel awkward when people launch themselves at me, not sure whether to hug, shake hands or kiss on one cheek or two.

I want to fight against this awkwardness though, in the knowledge that our society is crumbling out of loneliness and disconnection. Whether we like the feeling or not, physical touch. Safe physical touch, brings healing and life.

Are you feeling disconnected?

When was the last time someone hugged you, for no other reason than to just provide comfort?

Sometimes we use way to many words in a situation, when all that is needed is a safe hug that lets the person know that they are loved.

These are the beautiful lessons I am learning in my season of novice motherhood.

The tender, compassionate mercies of a simple hug.

Speak next sunday

(Photos were taken when Liberty was one week old, by the amazing Natalie Chambers from Shining Light Photography, for those living in Perth, contact her for family portraits and let her know that you were recommended by me.)

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