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ten ways to be less serious and have more fun

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Ten Ways with Amanda

TEN WAYS TO BE LESS SERIOUS AND HAVE MORE FUN

My friend Tracy makes me smile even when she is not with me. I think about her and my happy increases. Last night she navigated the traffic, left a sick little in the care of her Dad and came over to my house for dinner. I knew she was here even before her car door slammed. She was laughing, she was in her PJs for a dinner party and honestly, she is everything that I love about humanity.

Every day she wakes up and sucks the marrow out of life. You would think if you met her that she lives a very simple existence, but you know what she is once of the most focused, productive and amazing women I have ever met. Everything she does is with intention and brilliance, but it is so playful. My pyjama wearing friend is a university lecturer for Paramedics. I cannot imagine what her students think of her antics, but seriously she is hilarious. She is also the class leader for parents for her school. She is a key member of her local MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at her local church and guess what? She has never, ever had a social media account and she inspires me more than most people on the internet.

I want to be more like my dear friend Tracy. She inspires me to live a happier and more playful life.

Here are ten ways I am learning from friends like Tracy to be less serious and to have more fun.

Rock Up In Your PJ’s

Like seriously. What if you turned up to a dinner party or the movies, or your friend’s house in your Pj’s. Often I think we overthink our days and we miss out on the fun that is awaiting discovery. In a couple of weeks time, we will be gathering down south with a group of women and the first night of the retreat is a Diner en Blanc Pop-Up Party. It is amazing to me, that something as simple as wearing white, has sent women into a frenzy. Why not rock up in your Pj’s? Why not wear a two dollar dress from the op shop. Some days we just need to throw caution to the wind and do things we have never done before.

Put down your phone at the park

Yesterday I was chatting with my husband at the park, how he gets to leave his work in his office, but I never feel the satisfaction of feeling like I am finished for the day. We were sitting on a park bench, watching our children play and he just looked at me and said: “Babe put down your phone at the park.” Have moments and times when you are uncontactable. And jump up on the play equipment and leave your phone at home.

Camp out in the loungeroom

Lately, we have bought a new family tradition to our gang and it is a weekend camp out in the loungeroom. Movie nights and tents inside, finding ways to mess up our routine and enjoy one each others company. When was the last time you camped out in a friends loungeroom? When was the last time you had a sleepover? Camping brings out our inner child and you can’t help but smile in the midst of the mayhem.

Listen to a funny podcast

My husband works in an extremely serious and intense work environment. He is super intentional about transitioning from his work persona to his home persona. The best way he knows how to do this is to listen to a funny podcast the whole way home. He laughs, he repurposes and he smiles. Each month over on kinwomen, we publish a podcast and we seriously laugh a lot. If you are looking for one to start with you could try here.

Record your funny stories

My kids come out with hilarious things and sometimes I forget them as quickly as they have happened. Lately, I have been trying to write a little note on my phone about their funny stories. Little reminders so I can tell friends and family. Celebrating the crazy in the midst of the madness.

Say yes to uncomfortable things

Say yes to the quiz night, say yes to the movie invitation, say yes to things that you would normally say no to and sit at home on the couch instead. Sometimes it just takes a different atmosphere and environment to shake off the blues that try to overwhelm us.

Ride your bike

Is there something you did when you were younger that you haven’t done in a while? I got a text message from my husband whilst we were away last weekend on a speaking engagement and he said “I just rode my BMX to the beach at 9.30pm at night” Wohooooo. Sometimes we just have to pick up our bike, feel the wind through our hair and shout a little as we ride through the neighbourhood. Take off our corporate wear and pull on the active wear. Stepping into the sheer pleasure of life and love.

Ignore the mess and do something you love

This week I felt the heaviness of a life sown and I said to my husband, “Want to come op shopping with me?” Knowing it’s not his favourite thing in the world, but I needed to ignore the mess, the emails and the piles of laundry. I needed to do something that I loved. What do you love? What makes you smile? Is it riding your motorbike through the bush? Is it splashing around paint? Is it baking? Ignore the mess this weekend and do something that you love.

Eat popcorn and watch a kids movie

Tonight we are eating popcorn and watching a kids movie. In our pj’s and surrendering to the immaturity of it all. Popcorn, crazy songs, little happy dances and a life lived cray.

Stop worrying about the future and engage in your today

One of the greatest hindrances I have found to being playful is how much we worry. When I think too much, my life becomes way too serious. When I focus on the present and stop worrying about the future, I have way more fun. When you find yourself lost in thoughts and consumed with worry, replace those thoughts with things that make you happy. In this little notebook above, my dear friend sent this too me and the times I find myself stressed and worried, I pull this notebook out and I list the things that make me happy in the present. It works, it reframes and it is powerful.

What makes you have more fun?

Happy Friday friends. May this weekend be full of love and laughter.

Love

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Amanda Marie

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When we stop comparing, competing and manipulating with one another the future is female

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Photo: Other Wild

I have just come from a quick catch up with an 80-year-old, a 50 something-year-old and my 40-year-old self. As I sat quietly watching the interactions unfold, I realised quickly that the opportunities available to my generation have been graciously given from those who have gone before.

There is a rising across the earth today and it is a gift to my daughter’s generation. There is a cry that is unveiling with clarity, that echoes from the wisdom of those who have gone before. There is a confidence that is beaming, from generations who have spoken out on our behalf.

The future is female and no I’m not a raving feminist. Hilary Clinton recently said “The future is female” and the prophetic nature of this statement has been reverberating ever since.

I am a Mum, who is committed to finding her way through the weary weight of expectations, to release and find a voice for those who are coming behind me.

I am dedicated to being the woman I needed when I was a teenager searching for someone who understood.

I am a friend who is showing up, despite my own weariness and cynicism.

I am a wife who is determined that my voice rising, will not silence or distance my husbands, but together we will hold hands and walk towards our tomorrow.

Our online social world has created a platform that brings with it an amazing weight of responsibility. As we casually scroll through the highlight reels of each other’s lives, we are inspired to live with courage like never before.

But the difficult part of this square shaped filtered world, is we don’t see the text message battles that shadow our courage. We don’t see the tears, that stain the beautifully ironed linen pillow cases and we don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt, in the midst of our questions.

The stranger on the internet; she is not your competition.

The friend who has what you have been waiting for; she carries a burden you know nothing about.

The wife who wears the latest fashion; she waits patiently hoping that her attention to detail will be noticed.

The entrepreneur who has launched another business; she is hungry and tired, praying for a break away from it all.

The pastor who disappoints you so often; she is doing the very best she knows how.

The leader who looks like she has it all together; stands in front of her wardrobe wondering whether she can dress for another day.

The writer who published once again; she sits in agony with a studio full of books wondering what she is even doing with her life.

The sister who seems so confident and sure; she drags herself up in the morning hoping that coffee will soothe her anxious heart.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Wendy Mass

Today as we celebrate International Women’s day, it is hard to ignore the rise that is dawning.

Wholehearted, Tender Warriors, Friend Keepers, Cheerleaders, Truth-Makers, Way Finders.

“Now more than ever, we need to ‘Be Bold’. We need strong women to step up and speak out. We need you to dare greatly and lead boldly.”

“So please, set an example for every woman and girl out there, who’s worried about what the future holds and wonders whether our rights, opportunities and values will endure.”

“And remember, you are the heroes and history makers, the glass ceiling breakers of the future.”

Hilary Clinton.

The Future Is Female. Step away from the comparison, step aside from competition and step over manipulation. When we create space and room for each other, everybody wins.

Amanda Viviers

My latest book “Dear Single Self” is available to buy here today.

 

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When life is brutiful and you are unsure whether remaining in the present is a good thing.

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The flowers I bought myself last week are wilting and lately even coffee doesn’t bring the satisfaction it once did. As I sit here to write, my two-year-old has her arms crossed and is shouting “I have juice Mummy, I have JUICE!”

Considering she has already consumed two glasses this morning, my soft and consistent no seems to be redundant.

Motherhood is hard,

Marriage is relentless,

Being a daughter is tiring and I wish I could escape the present not embrace it.

The journey of this book “Present OVER Perfect” by Shauna Niquest, was enthralling when I was knee deep in rice paddies as I read it overseas on holiday, but reality lately has been biting and you know what? Staying busy seems to hold a greater reward.

When I slow I ache with dissatisfaction.

I would prefer to sleep for days and not face the complexity of what my present holds.

My son this morning drew on the class news bag, with a permanent black texta, declaring MAX and drawing a pretty divine airplane. The problem is that it is a shared, special bag across the whole class and showing up to the teacher, is like walking to the principal’s office and finding my messy, creative self in trouble again for breaking the rules.

Yesterday I took myself off to a counselor’s couch and I held this book firmly in my shaking hands and began to unpack the nerves it had been hitting. The present makes me shake with the brutality of it all.

Then as I walked my feeble heart back to the car and I reminded myself of the journey and the brilliance of holding my heart raw, rather than calloused and brittle.

Mary Oliver reminded me in the last page of the book with this…

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do–

determined to save

the only life you could save.

What did you learn from this journey?

Thanks for walking this journey Book Club friends, I kinda feel like I need to start the book again and re-read its offerings.

Amanda Marie

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The onion layers of pain, life and rejection.

Park Moments

Day in, day out my life seems to be unraveling lately.

It is not a falling over, “I can’t do this anymore, sigh”. It is more like the sting of an onion when it is cut open and the layers we peel off, to find the shape and brilliance of its core.

Present Over Perfect, came at a time when I knew some layers of my internal onion were needing to be shed but the question I asked myself was “Do I have the courage to actually face them?”

Thomas Merton said it this way…

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realising who you are at the deepest level.”

In the past, I have sat in the drivers seat believing if I just schedule more, rearrange more and control more then everything will feel better.

I think one of the hardest parts of this present over perfect journey has been the realisation in me, that I have been hoping for a silver bullet or a formula with the golden answer. Questioning why I say yes to people constantly, unpacking the deep need for acceptance and people pleasing has been unraveling in my essential self.

I am okay with imperfection.

I wrestled that onion layer quite a few years ago. I have made peace with that place of putting my work and heart on the line and often step forward in vulnerability. The deeper place of unraveling, though, is where I get my sense of purpose and value from. I struggle to remain present in my moment with my today because I constantly striving for my tomorrow.

Yesterday I sat in a park with this book and felt the pain of this realisation. There is so much about my doing, that is tied up in my sense of belonging and no matter how much praise or approval I get, until I sit with the pain of rejection, I will never be able to move forward.

Agh.

What?

Rejection?

“They didn’t want me, they threw me way like a piece of unwanted food scrap and I was not respected in the process”

The pangs of rejection and the reoccurring theme of striving therefore birthed in my today.

Shauna explains it this way…

“If this journey has been the peeling of an onion, layer by layer, shedding external selves like skin, it seems we are reaching the centre. The centre is reached, once again, through silence, time, honesty, loss; by leaving behind all the voices and expectations, all the selves and costumes of other times, things that worked then but don’t work any longer”

The pain of this kind of self-discovery is as present as the first cut through an onion, the sting in our eyes, the rank smell that assaults our senses and the impossible feelings that we cannot cut through the pain.

Then as we make our way through the layers, we process them, we discover, we explore, it is like the aroma changes, from the butter of friendship and life, and the onion sweetens and releases the pain, encouraging us towards its lessons learned.

I am in a state of unraveling lately and my greatest lesson is around where I get my sense of significance and acceptance from. It feels like I am realigning my foundation and the cracks that rejection from my past has created are being filled in and restored once again.

This morning I took the time to say no, in brave ways that I have never done before, shifting and making space in my diary for nothing. Time for me. Time for my family, time to refuel and recover.

These little steps of recovery are monumental in the present day. Every time I prioritise the important over the urgent, I am reminding myself that living in the space of people pleasing and a regret is a place of future pain.

My book club question is this…

“Is there a layer that this book has been unraveling, that is painful but has purpose?”

As this journey with our book club comes towards the end, I am realising that I have just begun a whole new season of self-discovery.

Facing the pain of rejection is very real for me right now. Readjusting where I get my foundation of love and acceptance from and if I never did anything more with my life, for the rest of my days, would I live like I’m loved?

Amanda Marie

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ten ways to have more friends

Courage

Friendship is a word that is laden with so much angst. It is one part of our life that be completely BRUTIFUL. Many parts beautiful and so much brutal. Conflict, unmet expectations, loneliness, and cliques.

Lately, I have been reflecting on what friendship means as I step into my forties and changes are afoot.

TEN WAYS TO HAVE MORE FRIENDS

Fewer expectations, More spontaneity

As a Mum and a wife, I have realised in this season that friendship for my season needs to carry less expectation and more spontaneity. Friendships that carry expectations, like…”Why haven’t you called?”, “Why wasn’t I invited?”, “Why are you not spending time with me?” are being reprioritised for friendships that are full of encouragement, life and “I know we haven’t spoken for ages, but how are you?”

Less Criticism, More Accountability

Honestly, it is easy to sit in a conversation with someone you know well and become the critic. Comparing one another is rife in conversations between women and when we sit in the space of judgment and thinking we know better, the friendship becomes toxic and decays. These days I am searching and keeping friends who want to criticise less and be honest a whole lot more. I want and need friendships that are accountable. Ones that have the courage to say, “Amanda you can do this.” and also ones that are honest enough to say this conversation is not healthy for either of us.

Less Intensity, More Fun

Back in the day, I was a clown. Funny jokes, dance parties, cookie bake-offs were my jam. Lately, in the pursuit of meaning and inspiration, I have become a little intense. Bring back the movie going, coffee planning, the hang-out loving friend of my twenties. Dance a little, smile a whole lot and bring back the playful you.

Less Waiting, More Contacting

I have realised if I play the victim and hold a list of who has contacted me when, I would have fewer friends. If I think of someone, I message them. If I have an idea or encouragement, I contact the friend. Do you hold account of how many times you made the first move in friendship? Are you always wondering whether you are being used? When we sit in the seat of the accountant in the friend contacting game, we will always loose. Contact, text, call and extend. With no expectation of return.

Less Talking, More Listening

Friendships can easily be ruined by too much conversation. Can you sit in silence with a friend? Do you fill the voids with so much information that the listener is overwhelmed? Do you have an answer for everything? What if our goal in friendship was to listen more and venting less? What if we became such amazing listeners, that people desperately wanted to be around us?

Less Whining, More Encouraging

The most enjoyable people to be around are those who sit in the seat of the cheerleader. Competition can be cancer to friendships and when we spend time competing with our friends rather than championing their best, we both loose. The thought “I’ll have what she is having” is one of the worst phrases on friendship that could have ever been invented.

Less Assuming, More Letting Go

Social Media is a scourge on our friendship cultures. We see a post, we read into the messages communicated and bam we have landed in assumption. Many times lately, I have had people speak about assumptions they have concocted from social media rather than the truth. After a quick conversation, it is funny to realign what people have assumed about my life and what is the reality. This year I am committing to assume less and let go more. Believing the best is the most amazing way to sit in the place of friendship. If a friend says she is unavailable “She’s busy”. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hang out with you, let that thought go.

Less Insecurity, More Passion

When we find our own passions and we place ourselves in a space of acceptance, we become much easier friends to be around. When we access every conversation and interaction from a place of self-acceptance, self-compassion and future focused opportunity, we become great friends. When we are secure about our voice, our purpose and our passions, when we spend time with other like-minded women, we don’t spend the whole time we are together reframing the sense of worth in the conversation. The more we come from a foundation of love and acceptance about ourselves, the more people will gather alongside.

Less Copying, More Individuality

Do you allow your friends the autonomy of being different? Do you love them fiercely, but let them have the space to explore their own wisdom for each season? This is the tension of great culture in friendships. When we expect our friends to react the same way, to think the same as us or to feel the same way, we will constantly be disappointed. How do you release friends into their new? Do you try to hold them back out of fear of the unknown? Less co-dependence, more release. We need to hold our friends lightly and allow them to explore new friends, new opportunities and new experiences. With a flavour and individuality that is completely their own. We need to release those closest to us to explore with freedom. When we demand loyalty to the point of stifling friendships out of fear of rejection, we crush the very essence of friendship, which is trust.

Less Fake Moments, More Authenticity

Authenticity is the catch cry of the last few years and may fill your heart with dread but when we commit to less fakeness and more honesty, the true colour of friendship is revealed. Can you listen to a friend who is revealing their heart, without taking on their feedback as an offense? I have often told myself this phrase “Amanda, offense is a choice” I have realised that I have a choice in the way I respond to others behaviour. Sometimes in friendship we can care way too much and hold onto the expectations that can keep us captive. If we want more true, long lasting, honest friendships we need to be honest and we need to keep short accounts in our offense banks. Each and every time we forgive and we let go, not allowing bitterness to become the paint that we colour friendships with, we all win.

These are some random musings on friendship, this February afternoon.

What would be your less or more statements around friendship?

Happy Days

Amanda Marie