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more me less mum.

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‘She knelt on the floor in the shower all but fifteen years young, begging God to allow her to be a Mum, to have a family, someone to hold and call her own. The tears dripped down her face, flushed with the rush of the shower, hoping no-one would hear her sobs. She grasped her hands together and started to say the rosary the only prayer she knew, the only words she could utter. Years later she found herself in the same position of promise. A cry, an act of desperation, praying words just like a conversation. On the floor of the shack she had just bought in the place she grew up. A few steps from the beach, yet it felt miles away from anywhere she knew. Twenty years had passed, long, beautiful, expectant years that she had waited for the promise to come to pass. The echoes of her cries must have shaken the heavens somewhat, because not soon after she became friends with someone, who would become her partner, the father to her children, an awakening of a dream realised.’

These two stories in my life couldn’t feel more fresh today than the twenty five years that have passed since their inception. As a teenager, I prayed and waited. As a young adult I worked and waited, As an adult I tried to not grown cynical and I waited.

Today I find myself in the season that I begged for years to come to pass, yet I am learning more lessons here in my dream realised than anything I could have imagined. I have been reminding myself of this simple principle. Sowing and reaping. Often we associate this principle with financial gain, but I have found it so present in so much more of my life. Words encouragement I sow today, are reaped in my future. Prayers I have sown, reap benefits and promise in my tomorrow. Unforgiveness that I sow in my today, ends in bitterness in my tomorrow. Believing the best in someone today, reaps friendship in my tomorrow.

The list goes on and on.

I have been silenced lately to think about what I am sowing today.

Am I sowing rest, recovery, beauty, letting go, living large in my today, so I can reap the benefit of promise in my tomorrow.

One line I have found floating to the surface is this…

‘More me, less Mum’.

Personally for me, this is about self-care. It is about doing things in my today to benefit my tomorrow. It is reading great articles and books, not necessarily just about motherhood, but about me as a person, about me as a wife, about me as a creative soul.

It is about saying yes to time by myself and accepting the change when it comes rather than feeling guilty.

It means leaving the dishes undone so that I can rest, create or just be, when my children sleep.

It means not losing myself completely in motherhood. This is not a selfish act, I am a better Mum, when I discover who I am outside of the role of motherhood. I am still a writer, I am firstly a wife, I am a communicator. The role of Motherhood is an all encompassing one, but it is okay to walk out of the house somedays without food plastered over my clothes and it is okay to take time to do something for myself, rather than everyone else all the time.

This week I picked up my knitting needles again for the first time in a long time and decided to make myself a cardigan. It has my brain captured. I am learning, I am doing something for myself. Some may call me selfish but I know it’s smart.

When I take time out to discover who I am as a child of God, outside of all the roles, the names, the positions, the obligations that other people place on me. I become a whole person. A centred person. Someone who allows the words of my Father to sow life into my tomorrow rather than the validation of others.

So for now.

This is what I am sowing.

Life

Love

Colour

Intention

Opportunity

Quiet

Forgiveness

Rest

Recovery

To myself.

And out of that place is where I will give to others.

Filling my tank with worthy and good things today, so that my family may reap tomorrow.

How about you?

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rejection

photo-1423483641154-5411ec9c0ddfAs I lay on a massage table in a village in Eastern Bali, you could never imagine the thoughts that roamed my mind. Everything I could possibly need or want was in arms distance. A little boy, just shy of three and a baby girl sleeping soundly. A husband happy surfing and chatting with locals and my Mum on standby to look after our babies, so I could walk, write, swim or just be.

Despite all this my mind, roamed to dear and dark places.

I remember lying there, overwhelmed with gratitude, but at the same time plagued with memories. I kept on trying to shake my mind out of it. ‘Come on Amanda, think on things that are pure, honourable, life-giving. Think on scripture, think on the amazing miracles that have come to your world over the last three years, choose to rise above.’

The really crazy thing is though, it was like every massage I had over the few weeks we were in Indonesia, bought out memories that I thought were way in the past. It was like my muscles had memories of those emotions, the feelings of betrayal, the lostness of rediscovering who I was. My body held memories of rejection and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to forgive, it was like I had to let that deeper layer of the grief come to the surface.

There is a scripture I love and hate in the same breath…

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Every part of this scripture confronts my desperation in the midst of a trial or difficult season.

He is good to us.

Even when we don’t feel or see it.

He is good.

Rejection is a difficult emotion to hang a hat on. Shame, Forgiveness, Self pity and Loneliness all rumble together and try to come out of the other side still clean.

Whether someone, or a group of people have rejected us, when they have said we are not good enough, we can no longer be a part of, when we are ignored, shut down, discounted and dismissed. It is a cut that goes deeper than any wound and one that causes a scar on our soul.

The only way I have been able to face these seasons of rejection in my life, is to reform where I get my sense of self worth from. It causes me to go back to my foundations and realign my purpose and worth.

Have you ever given everything you have and felt rejected?

Have you ever creatively put yourself out on the line and the risk really failed to pull off?

The best thing you can do is allow those emotions and feelings to come forward. Find ways to process, talk it through with someone trusted, write, have a massage, walk the beach and scream into the ocean.

Find ways to face that rejection front on and realign your purpose once again.

Write reminders of the beautiful opportunities in your today and find a way to re- capture who you are.

Acknowledge the part to play you had in the story, but also allow the bitterness of the moment to be sweetened by the truth of who you really are.

Rejection is the most awful of emotions.

But don’t let it steal your future friend.

Hold your hands out dirty and full of promise, ask forgiveness and rediscover the jewels longing to be discovered in this vulnerable place.

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open hearted

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThe days have been getting shorter and the sleep ins more plentiful. Autumn has bought with it a sense of peace and openness in my little seaside shack.

I have been thinking about the word open, as I have click clacked away with my muse, knitting chunky cardigans for my family this winter.

In a world where so many of our secrets are exposed extravagantly online, it is okay I think to have private moments that remain between those dearest.

Those private moments don’t necessarily need to bad things…

They can be;

unfolding situations

new opportunities

vulnerable seasons

As much as I believe this is true, it is easy as well to stay stuck in a closed place. Where the person we present to the world, is completely different to the person we truly are.

Would you call yourself open-hearted?

I know that there have been disappointed seasons when I haven’t been this at all. Where I have done everything I can to hide truly who I am, because I have been so hurt by people, betrayed, let down, disappointed, living often with unforgiveness.

I remember those times.

I remember those places.

They were difficult seasons.

What if you tried though, despite the loss to live a little more openly?

with your friends

with your children

with your closest.

okay with imperfection

undone by your mistakes

open.

What if closing down, wasn’t our response to difficult situations?

Where the walls shoot up, walls that are difficult to be scaled by anyone.

Sitting inside that safe place hoping the giants don’t then try to climb down the beanstalk, from the heights you have hidden them.

What does it mean to live openly?

Opening our hearts and starting conversations that matter, even when they are awkward.

Opening our hands and sharing our possessions, with our neighbours, our hair dressers, our cafe baristas.

Opening our houses as opportunities of restoration to those who feel a little rejected.

Does that mean our lives are open?

These have been the thoughts running through my mind, as chunky knits slip through my fingers, this autumn in the bay.

Small, large and difficult thoughts, that have made me reflect on situations a little differently in my days.

How about you?

What are you thinking about lately?

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If you want to live a little more inspired this April, why don’t you print off these prompts and use the hashtag #inspire15 and do something creative with me.

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inspire 15

pineapple

At the beginning of last year, I started a hashtag #inspire14 which was all about doing something creative everyday to inspire another. We had people joining in from all over the world, doing creative bits and pieces, to inspire another.

This year I began #inspire15 and I wanted to put some focus into our creativity together.

April Prompts

Here is my challenge. To print, or open this PDF to create from the words I have produced for the month of April.

As you are creative around this word prompt, hashtag #inspire15 to showcase what you have been doing and help one another to live inspired.

I am going to attempt to write here with the words every day of April. However two little people means a lot less time at my desk these days.

Let me know in the comments if you are joining in. Even just one day a week, every couple of days or once this month.

Speak soon O creative ones.

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Small sacrifices

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Tuesday mornings are full of music, dance, laughter and long walks on the beach.

Today I decided I won’t say yes to anyone else except my family on tuesdays.

Today, I am so grateful I didn’t go back to work, even though sometimes this decision drains me. When hands grab at my hair, clothes, buttons, shoes and ears.

Moments that I will never forget, the days when I say goodbye to nappies, teething and tantrums.

Lately I have been overwhelmed at the blessings that come when I make small sacrifices.

Silent revelations.

Mummy moments.

Decisions to say no to that which distracts and yes to what is important.

Thinking about them being little and celebrating these small moments.

Letting go of all the obligations and really trying to be thankful.

Small sacrifices.

Being quiet, when all I want to do is speak my mind.

Saying Thankyou, when I really don’t have the time.

Laying down my phone, when all I want to do is scroll.

Asking questions about others, rather than being consumed with myself.

Small sacrifices.

They truly make a day, that has the capacity to just flow into another, beautiful.

Small

Tiny

Inconsequential

Sacrifices

Conversations

Cuddles

Gratitudes

These are what make up a life.

These are the memories that mark my children’s perceptions of their Mum.

Thankyou, whoever is reading this today, for the small sacrifices you have made to prefer another.

This is the glue that holds our community together.

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