Lately I have been a part of quite a few dissatisfied conversations. Chats that have been surrounded with innuendo that has made me question how we communicate what we want from love.
Wives who are wanting to be noticed by their husbands.
Single women who are dating but quite turned off by the prospect of who is near.
Friends who are sharing their hearts with vulnerability and a heaviness that feels quite sticky, addictive and confusing.
They have made me seek and listen more lately with questions like…
How do we make someone love us more?
How do we communicate dissatisfaction without wounding?
How do we be honest without tearing hearts apart?
These thoughts have been bouncing around and last week I felt like I had a little private revelation about love.
This was my little moment of realisation. (It is a little hard to express and to get clear so bare with me.)
If we are always disappointed in love, then maybe we have our expectations set so high that they will never be met no matter the extender of love.
I have been married now for four years, I have been dating the same man for six years and throughout this time, I have been thinking about how I communicate love and have been looking for it to be reciprocated.
Most of us have heard of the ‘love languages theory’. I am a gifts girl, I am a words girl. These are the ways I receive and communicate love. Everyone tells us to take time to learn the way that your partner, friend, mum, wife, husband communicates love and alter your method accordingly. The more I have explored this teaching personally, the more I have found myself feeling a little dissatisfied.
What if we changed our love language to suit the person who was extending it?
What if we spent more time being grateful and acknowledging the love that is being extended to us rather than being dissatisfied with what we don’t have?
I am not saying we shouldn’t express our needs and hope to be heard but what if I acknowledged the brilliance in my present rather than spending hours hoping for something that is not natural to the one giving it.
For example; My husband is not great at presents, he’s not great at flowers, he’s not great at remembering big days, it’s just not his thing. He tries so hard to remember to encourage me and extend words of encouragement, but he would much prefer to show me his love through acts of service.
His thing is working hard and he gives it his all. His thing is cleaning (don’t hate me) his thing is ironing. His thing is working overtime, so I can stay home with our kids and enjoy this season that is moving so fast. His thing is stability. His thing is looking after our kids with intentionality. He is amazing at quality time. He is amazing at acts of service.
Lately I have been stopping myself mid act of service and saying internally “This is his expression of love. He is loving me right now. This is him communicating how much he cares.” Taking time to acknowledge him and his expression.
In that relationship that you are feeling dissatisfied in, what is their thing?
The little moments of me acknowledging the love that is being extended, has been the most beautiful revelation of love. The more I look for his expressions of love, the more I see it, the more I feel loved. I honestly wasn’t feeling unloved or unappreciated but the more conversations I had that were full of dissatisfaction the more I questioned?
Conversations with others,
Dramatic expressions of love on the media,
These all can warp our perception of what true love really is.
The simplicity of changing my perspective and being present in the beautiful moments of love being extended (even though they don’t look like the ones that come natural to me) has been delightful.
What is being extended?
Maybe this could be your key to making him love you more?
Maybe you are just speaking a different language and you need to go to language school and learn what method they are communicating through?
Maybe you just need to notice a little more, rather than holding such high expectations?
Maybe you need to have a simple chat explaining why you feel dissatisfied?
Maybe you are doing just fine.
Maybe you are not.
The exploration of how we receive and give love though is a beautiful use of ones time. Learning more about ourselves and how we tick, makes us much more able to understand emotions that sometimes overwhelm.
Maybe you are loved more than you think and you have just been misreading the expression.