Author: Amanda Viviers

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her reflection

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Princesses and Super Hero’s dress up day at dancing today.

Yesterday was the last day of our online book club and I have a secret; I haven’t finished the book. Last night I had questions like;

How can I contribute if I haven’t finished the damn book?

Does this mean I failed book club?

So I decided to show up today and tell you my secret, knowing that there would be others who didn’t finish the book. In fact, I emailed the hotel where I stayed in Darwin today, realising I left it on the bedside table of my hotel room.

Not just a fail, but an epic one. Maybe that’s the best end to this journey for me, accepting my weird and in fact enjoying its potential.

“Be the weirdo who dares to enjoy.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

I have had some big questions that have been prodded along by this book, but one of my main reflections is this.

Creative doesn’t equal deep and dark.

Creative doesn’t demand intense long, overwhelming pauses.

Creative doesn’t define my identity.

But it brings colour, life and magic to all of these parts of me.

Being creative is a gift, a friend to my everyday. It is not a burden to carry, but a language to learn.

It is not a disease or a disposition, creativity can be light as well as responsible.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic has converted my already creatively obsessed heart. I am more in love with creativity than ever before, but in some ways, I am less defined by it.

Does that even make sense?

I am carrying my creative load a little lighter and don’t feel so defined by its genre and category. Maybe my thoughts will change as I finish its last few chapters, but I doubt it.

Maybe it has done its work anyway.

And for those who didn’t read along with us, let me leave you with what I believe is the best paragraph in the whole book;

“Let me list for you some of the many ways in which you might be afraid to live a more creative life: You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticised or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored. You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it. You’re afraid somebody else already did it better. You’re afraid everybody else already did it better. You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark. You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously. You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing. You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavours as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of workspace, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree. You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.) You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist. You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal. You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud. You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons. You’re afraid your best work is behind you. You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back. You’re afraid you’re too old to start. You’re afraid you’re too young to start. You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again. You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying? You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder. You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

How about you?

“What have you learned from Big Magic?”

Elaine and Jodie, thanks for the journey.

Till we meet again in online book club land,

Cheers

Amanda

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her move

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We all come to a place in our days where a line is drawn and we have to choose.

At the beginning of this year, I found myself in this place. Standing in Target, in the midst of a first-time novice Mum experience, ticking off my shopping list, which included a school uniform for my soon to be attending Kindy first born son.

We are a one income household, with a mumpreneur in the making, two littles under four and a mortgage to boot. As I looked at my shopping list, so soon after Christmas, I cringed at the amount I needed to purchase and the little savings I still had.

Back to Target, so I stood there before school shorts and t-shirts and my head creaked a little to the left. Growing up as the daughter of a fabric warehouse owner, I knew how much it cost for 75cms of t-shirt ing fabric. Learning to sew myself at ten years old, I knew how long it took to make a polo t-shirt and the skill it required to stitch in that darn collar. With my head still ajar and my mind rolling over and over, I just could not make sense of the fact, that my son’s royal blue polo shirt was two dollars.

Two dollars.

How did that even work?

Even though our bank account had taken a Christmas hit and our mortgage waited for no-one, I stood there with a line drawn in the sand and I knew that line would change me.

It is like this royal blue t-shirt said to me;

“Your move…”

I decided then and there, that I was going to research what it took to make a t-shirt and decide that as much as possible, I would start to choose more ethically in the consumer decisions we made as a family. With our recent business launched Maximus & Liberty, I came home and said to my husband, there has to be another way.

Little children were not designed to make t-shirts for little children for two dollars.

Mums with children were not designed to line up in factories before the sun rises so that we can save 5 bucks on a t-shirt.

My heart was engaged and ever since anything that touches on this subject has hit a raw nerve in my heart. Why should my little people be dancing around in clothes that another family has sacrificed so irrevocably?

It is our move.

It is our choice.

We need to make more decisions informed, rather than hiding behind uneducated excuses.

Some of my friends are right at the pointy edge of launching something that begins to make a dent in the massive wall of change that needs to occur.

ONE TENTH: IT IS TIME TO WEAR WHAT MATTERS

They say this about the issue;

“At One Tenth, we see a space within the industry to disrupt the status quo of poverty on a global scale with something that is so simple and already embedded in our daily lives — shopping.”

Today their kick starter finishes and they are so close to achieving their goal to launch an ethically sustainable fashion label into the Australian industry.

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Jump on board.

It is your move.

It is time to wear what matters.

Amanda

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her light

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Photo by Meg Scerri Creative for Maximus and Liberty

“Far too many creative people have been taught to distrust pleasure and put their faith in struggle alone. Too many artists still believe that the anguish is the only authentic emotional experience.” Elizabeth Gilbert

We all have that friend.

The one when your text message alarm dings and you see their name before the message and your heart drops.

You know the one.

The latest drama, the unfair assumptions; enter our friend negative nelly.

That one.

If you have been reading along with my blog for a while, you would have realised that I am not ashamed, to be honest, open and vulnerable in this forum.

Especially lately I have felt like my blog has become that negative, overly sensitive friend. Each time I have sat down to write, I have dug up words from the deep recesses of my soul and just bled into my WordPress account.

The funny thing is, I have been needing a little writing kick up the butt for awhile, but I didn’t realise it would come in the form of Elizabeth Gilberts book Big Magic. I have been seeking to bring my light, rather than the parts of me that lean towards the grey or black.

I have been metaphorically telling myself to put my positive pants on. The problem is with positive pants is we believe that it is a place, where we are fake, distanced and safe within our walls of protection.

Trusting ourselves to feel positive emotions alongside our negative ones, is one of the greatest ways we can ride the highs and lows of the creative dance.

We can be honest and be happy.

We can be confused and be clear.

We can be satisfied and look for more.

I am learning that I can be both deeply filled with peace, at the same time asking the questions that baffle me.

The greatest trust that leads my creative walk is my relationship with the Creator God. He leads me back when I am unsure whether I can take anymore. He steadies my feet when I am walking the thin paths. He makes me smile in the midst of challenging seasons.

As a creative communicator, I am learning to not be afraid of the questions, the difficulties and the challenging seasons, but also not to trust the struggle as my muse, but to continually reach out to one who knows more than me.

As creative beings let’s not be defined by the suffering, the deep dark moments of contemplation but live lives that ride the tides with grace, mercy and truth, always seeking the higher path in the midst.

My book club question today reflects Elizabeths;

Does your creativity love you?

I am learning that I can feel a whole myriad of emotions in one day and when isolated one can feel overwhelming, but when I continually trust the higher path and the journey of discovery, they do not define me. They are just a part of my expressive flare.

Here’s a toast to a few more laughs around here sometime soon and continually seeking light.

I trust.

Amanda Viviers

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her shadows; mummy guilt, competing with others and happy pants.

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Nepal, March 2016

I went to my first exercise class this morning since all my random surgeries over the last six months. Last night I was pumped. Breakfast laid out ready to go, thoughts of strength and skinny dreams motivating me. This morning, however, I was self-sabotaging left, right and centre trying to avoid the absolute incompetence that I felt deep in my soul.

One could say the moment my son strongly said to me “Mum, we are not a yelling family” that I had crossed the threshold into “Angry Bear”.

Despite my false starts, I ran my littles into the creche for the first time and landed on my back in the class. There were many parts of the class that I could just not stretch my body into, but the fact that I had made it there, the fact that I was having a go, was my greatest encouragement.

There are shadows from my past that always emerge in this arena of my life. Shadows that creep up on me at the most unexpected moments. Moments filled with fear, moments grounded in competition and comparison. Moments of guilt and shame that shroud my success in this part of my life.

Exercise is not my favourite, but I know the result is endorphins, a feeling of accomplishment and a Mummy that does not fall into the habit of raising her voice. Breathing deep is also an amazing response from exercise and its companions, drinking more water and reviewing what thoughts are plaguing my mind.

What shadows are stopping you from placing positive scaffolds in your weekly structure?

What self-sabotage moments have you struggled to recover from?

When we start to bring light into those shadowed places, when we refuse to allow fear, guilt and shame to have the final say, we step out into uncharted waters that build our inner person to achieve the dreams that we desire.

Over the weekend, I watched an amazing speaker step into her gifted places and as I leaned in to watch, observe and learn (note not compete, copy and compare), I realised something profound. Her strength had been developed in the quiet place. Her strength came from soul boot camp. Her strength was other worldly.

As I have been sifting through my shadows this week, I have realised many times in my novice motherhood journey, I have allowed my strength to be leached out by the whispers in the shadows.

So back to the gym, I went today, with my babies in tow and my heart hesitant and I said to my shadows…

“Mummy guilt you can take a back seat now. Competition and comparison you can nick off I don’t care if I am the most uncoordinated in the class and I pulled on my exercise pants.”

My happy pants became my armour and I just had a go.

Little by little,

Moment by moment,

The shadows are brought into the light and grace, mercy and truth become our vindicator.

talk again soon,

Amanda

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her persistence

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This last weekend was one of my year highlights. It was my absolute privilege to spend time with hundreds of women at three events and listen to speakers challenge a company of women to live more courageous lives. I came away so inspired as I met woman after woman, new friend after new friend.

The hardest part of the weekend, however, was my brain sifting through the experience of speaking to hundreds of women and the shame that followed. On Saturday night, my brain whirred with questions like…

“Was I too loud?”

“Did I speak too passionately?”

“Was I too much?”

“Did I embarrass myself?”

These are very honest and raw revelations of the creative pursuits that we step out into, no matter how long we have been in the arena, we all have moments filled with shame and embarrassment.

Elizabeth Gilbert in her latest book Big Magic speaks to her fears this way…

“You’re allowed to have a seat and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you’re not allowed to have a vote.”

This best-selling author, TED talk aficionado, Twenty-five million dollar creative guru, still battles with the pain of imperfection, fear, embarrassment and shame. I think as creative truth seekers, we are wired this way and in fact, if we ever come to a place where we are not questioning the quality, power and effectiveness of our work and we believed we have arrived, then, unfortunately, we will slide down the ladder and fall into a pit of pride.

A few weeks ago, knowing that I was going into a season of many new audiences and speaking engagements, I asked a couple of people ahead of me in the journey to give me honest feedback on my speaking. I asked them for help in this season of the journey and the task was not an easy ask. I may look super confident on a stage, but I have many questions, fears, and insecurities that I constantly need to lay down.

It’s not easy to follow through and ask for help.

It’s not easy, to be honest in the areas that we fall down.

It’s not easy to reach out to those ahead of us.

The power of persistence is finding a new normal for those dreams is being courageous enough to have a go and humble enough to accept feedback but be wise enough to know who is honest and safe. 

Every time we try something new and every time we put our work, out in the public sphere, when we do something we have never done before when we publish a blog

when we dream…

when we speak…

when we start a new job…

when we enter a new season…

We will always have questions, we always feel fear, we always are bombarded by the little thorns that are our stumbling block.

Like shame, embarrassment, timidity, intimidation…

The list swells.

What I love about the theme of persistence in Elizabeth Gilberts latest offering Big Magic, is her encouragement to have a go and also to keep moving forward with persistence, even when we are unsure.

“So take your insecurities and your fears and hold them upside down by their ankles and shake yourself free of all your cumbersome ideas about what you require (and how much you need to pay) in order to become creatively legitimate.” Elizabeth Gilbert

My heart is a little tender today from giving out and putting myself in spaces of vulnerability, but I am recalibrating, refining and trusting a source beyond my own strength.

Here is my book club question…

What is a reoccurring block in your persistence? is it fear? is it a shame? is it people’s opinions?

Keep on keeping on my creative friends, even when the little doubts of your worth and value creep in. Just have a go, my friend. Dream Again. Dream Again dreamer.

Amanda