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The year is not over, what did you promise to yourself.

amanda

Three years ago in the midst of the crazy aftermath of giving birth to my first child, I pulled out five note cards and wrote down intentions for five areas of my life.

  1. My Family
  2. My Purpose
  3. My Community
  4. Womankind
  5. Those who don’t have much

They were pinned up on my vision board above my computer and I muddled through the massive life change of leaving my job, my vocation and picking up the Job of Novice Mum.

I was terrified. I wrote big, audacious intentions that I wanted to do something with my years at home with little babies. I didn’t want to fade away, lost in a pile of nappies and wipes but at the same time I wanted to be present as much as possible to the fulfilment of my miracle of Motherhood being realised.

One of those big ideas on my intentions list for “My Purpose” was to run a creative retreat for women just like me. To have the courage to step out and create an event, that I would want to go to. An event that I needed.

A few days after I came home from this event realised, I was overwhelmed. I was scared, I was full of fear, “was it enough”, “did people like it”, “was it safe, was it welcoming, was it okay.” Questions that we all ask ourselves about most things in life, but when we step out and create something that you haven’t seen before, something that is original and full of your heart and personality, it is deeply vulnerable stuff. I had people asking for next years dates, I had sponsors offering to fund the next one. It was actually really scary.

As I sat there thinking about the most amazing stories that had transpired, I looked up on my dream board and pulled down those five cards. One by one, I put a line through all the things that had actually come to pass over the last few years.

I had intentions and I put them into action. They were focussed on a bigger purpose and I just had a go. I gathered a team, I looked for like hearts, I prayed, I worked hard. Together a group of like minded women, created a space were there was little competition and comparison, there was huge amounts of grace and it was breathtaking.

The funny thing is as I sat and looked at this dream realised, I thought deeply about my intentions for this year. I had just two things that were my big goals for this year. The first one to lose the weight I have gained with two babies in three years and also to publish my manuscript “Dear Single Self” for women over 25 who are single.

I sat there very soberly thinking even though this amazing event had transpired, the year was not finished yet, I haven’t achieved my two big goals for this year.

Then on Sunday the message at church that said this;

“Turn good intentions into great actions by having a big purpose, giving a big effort & serving a big God. Just do it.” Haydn Nelson. (here is the podcast of this message)

Monday morning hit and I was out exercising again, I have cut sugar and wheat out of my diet once again. I have opened up my manuscript and am ready to send it nervously out to more publishers.

Both of these big intentions are such vulnerable parts of my life. My hands are shaking as I write this blog. This year is not over though and I will keep moving towards the promises I made myself in my Change Reflection Pages.

What did you promise yourself this year?

What did you say that you would do?

I am here to tell you that the year is not over yet.

It is not too late to have another go and to rise again strong. If you wrote out your Change Reflection Pages, pull them out and have another read.

Just do it!

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Finding the bigger picture: how to fight fair.

Fighting Fair

One of the hardest things to do in the midst of intense conflict is to find the bigger picture.

Albeit difficult, those who have the capacity to find perspective in the midst of confusion, misunderstanding and difficulty are the ones who end up with satisfying relationships. Those who can’t find the bigger picture, go around the fighting ferris wheel over and over, never finding what they are desperately looking for.

Every conflict has the capacity to create deeper and long lasting relationships or wound every person in the story.

None of us want conflict in our lives. Even those who are confrontational in their style of communication, will walk away wishing that that conversation went down differently.

What if we were empowered with some tools that helped us find perspective quickly in the midst of conflict?

Lately, I have found three simple ways to help find the bigger picture in the midst of conflict and these have been helping me so much in the midst of my difficult conversations.

Finding my voice

Imagine your life right now was a movie and every movie story line is soaked in conflict. Without conflict the story has no movement and shape. The difference between a movie though and real life, the emotions we feel in the midst of conflict are very, very real.

Most conflict happens in a movie when the protagonist (the lead character) looses their voice in some way. When they feel they are not being heard, when they are being silenced, when they are being misunderstood, when they are facing injustice or when they are hurt.

These are the same reasons why conflict occurs in our everyday lives. Most fights in our everyday, are actually about what is happening inside of us, not the circumstance that is causing the difficult conversation.

When I became a first time Mum, one of the greatest difficulties and also greatest opportunities was when I gave up full time work. I realised this season silenced me. It was like when I lost my job, that I also lost my voice. I was defined so much by my work, that when I no longer had a position any more, I realised that I had built my confidence around what I did, rather than who I was.

In this year, I made a decision to write on my blog every single day. It was through writing that I started to find my voice again. I dug deep, I delved into the greater story. I found perspective. I realised that writing was an important tool in helping me find internally the parts of my story, that I felt had been taken away.

My first thought is this…In the midst of the conflict, one of the reasons the fight gets dirty, when we feel like we are not being heard and not able to express properly what we are truly feeling.

“We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced.” Malala Yousafzai

You will constantly be fighting with people and you will not be satisfied by any of your relationships, if you are not finding a way to express yourself healthily. Learning deeply what you are trying to say and finding peace internally before the conflict even starts. Most conflicts have nothing to do with the actual circumstance but everything to do with our internal peace.

Step back and think “What am I actually trying to say?”

Find the pause button

Our greatest regrets are the things we have said in the heat of the moment that we wish we had never said. There are moments in the midst of destructive conversations, that we need to press pause.

Im not saying stop the conversation, because when we stop communicating, when we become passive aggressive, we loose our voice and we all know what happens when people stop communicating, something small happens and they erupt.

The thing about pausing a movie, is we come back and press play again.

We need to find the bigger picture in the midst of the conflict, press pause, find the grace, find the bigger picture and then find a way to process the first point of what we are really trying to say.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”Brené Brown

We all get it wrong, we are designed to struggle, but when we press pause and when we gain perspective we remember we are worthy of love and belonging. In that place of strength we communicate with so much more clarity and peace.

Step back and find perspective in the pause.

Find the best possible reason

Lately I have been doing this little thing which is honestly changing the conflict in the midst of my life. Conflict with my toddler, conflict with my husband, conflict with my family.

I ask myself this question.

What is the best possible reason I can find for this behaviour?

Instead of going crazy in my head before the conflict starts, or in response to something really nasty that has happened, I get creative and I ask myself to come up with the best possible reason for the behaviour.

Honestly us humans are not great at this. Often we think things about what other people are thinking and we so often get it totally wrong. The depth of emotion that flies out mid conflict is all in direct association to the way we think about the person and the circumstance in the days post or pre conflict.

We are our worst enemies in this battle zone.

What if when something annoying happens, we find the best possible answer rather than the worst.

Step back and ask what is the very best possible explanation for this behaviour?

It actually starts to become fun. Try it sometime.

I hope these three thoughts on conflict resolution help you find some more peace in your relational worlds and help you to fight and communicate a little fairer.

Speak again soon,

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The problem when your instagram feed looks nothing like your real life.

Be who you are
Be who you are

“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable but our wholeness, even our wholeheartedness, actually depends on the integration of all our experiences including the falls.” Brene Brown, Rising Strong

The age of the internet is such a funny thing. One moment our lives look perfect, filtered and divine, the next we are oversharing, hoping, wishing, wanting someone to acknowledge our pain.

Navigating our way through the balance of authenticity and vulnerability is not just a now topic it is the wrestle that integrates our experiences into living a whole life.

Does your instagram feed look the same as your facebook personal revelations?

Have you wrestled with oversharing on the internet?

Ever felt vulnerable and wish you had never shared the truth?

Does your instagram feed look nothing like the reality of your everyday life?

As I spend more and more time here on the internet, I find it to be the most telling of social experiments.

When I step back and watch someone’s life, unfold across the pages of facebook, instagram and the blogging sphere, it is a very telling tool to the balance or lack of balance in emotional well being.

It is like our online voice is a very telling map, that quickly leads us towards the true state of our heart.

Is your online footprint full of smokes and mirrors?

Do you say things on instant messenger that you would never say to someone personally or in a public sphere?

Do you bully people, compare, compete and down right bitch and then suddenly filter it all together to make a unique, consumer focused product?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about designing the life that I truly want. I have been thinking about some of my friends who have no online life at all, they don’t even have a face book page and I wonder whether that is the answer?

Should I just step back and have nothing to do with this arena?

Whilst reading chapter three Owning our stories, from Rising Strong, I was so compelled by the culture we are immersed in. As I read through her thoughts I couldn’t help but think about the difference between our online impressions of what our life is and the actuality of our everyday.

Brene talks about the latin root of the word integrate which in its purest form means “to make whole”. I have been thinking, maybe we struggle as a society to live whole hearted lives, because we compartmentalise so much. In this part of my life, I am this person. In this arena, I am that person.

Maybe we are confused, because there is no bridge between all the different roles we are playing and how much people think they know about us, which is only half of the true story?

What is the answer?

Brene proposes in this chapter of the book, that creativity is an amazing tool to connect different parts of our story together and to find our true voice.

This is my book club question that arose from this chapter,

What do you do creatively that makes you find your voice or feel whole?

Every time I knit or write, there is something authentic about myself that comes together in the process. I think the times that I do this with no agenda at all, not to try and make money or impress anyone, these creative pure times, are when all my different parts start to come together.

As I knit, I meditate and think, I produce something that I hope will make someone, somewhere feel warm and loved.

As I write, I ask myself questions, I look for answers, I think about the truth I find in people’s stories and scripture.

The problem about my writing and my knitting is that social media is an amazing tool to connect people with the power of these creative pursuits in my life. I have to make sure that the bridge I am building between other people and my everyday life is an honest and true one.

Otherwise the disconnectedness between the two makes me feel like a total fraud.

And that is not the kind of life that I am pursuing.

I cant wait to read Elaine’s thoughts on Monday.

Comment along below with us…

I love to hear your thoughts about connectedness, creativity and living authentically in the culture we are immersed in.

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Living free from obligation

Carrie Smith

Photo by Carrie Smith

When was the last time you said yes to something that you regretted?

When was the last time you said no, knowing that it was good for you?

Obligation is the worst reason for making a commitment to someone or something.

When we feel manipulated, obliged, forced into our decision making, the long term affects of this small moment can be far reaching.

We stay in jobs because of loyalty, we say yes to holidays with people that we knew never would work, we go to events because we should, rather than we want to.

Obligated.

Our whole society is over frustrated by the obligations we stick to and keep, when we really should have said no.

At the beginning of the inspire 15 retreat, we started this way.

You, don’t have to come to anything. Everything is optional.

Everything.

This is actually the truth, yet we try so desperately to force adults into program shaped boxes, to try and make ourselves feel more secure.

Security does not come from the amount of people at your events.

Security does not come from the amount of followers you have.

Security comes from places like our faith, our family, our friends, our homes and our identity framed by grace.

“Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.”

Wayne Dyer

In fact when we make people feel completely free to make their own choices, they are more likely to respond with gratitude to the opportunities available.

What do you feel obliged to do?

Freedom comes sweeping into our days, when we realise that the obligations we have been carrying around heavily, really don’t have to crowd us in any longer.

Making choices,

Bringing strength,

Letting our yes be yes,

And our no be no,

Can be the most liberating experience.

She designed a life that she loved…

What makes you feel obliged?

Comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

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Sign up for my Tribe Email Subscription list and get a free download

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One week ago I sent out my first tribe subscription newsletter! I wanted to create a way to keep in touch with people who have come to one of my events and also to keep people informed in what is happening in my world.

To celebrate I am giving every person who has signed up to recieve my newsletter a free download of my first book “Capture 30 days of inspiration” online copy for free. The code will be coming out in tomorrow’s weekly e-letter.

If you are unsure whether you have or if you want to get in on the action, sign up below.

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