Author: Amanda Viviers

To be a great friend, one needs to grow, sometimes so much that we need to let that friend go.

We need to grow in patience, in grace, we need to lower our expectations and communicate with kindness through seasons of transition.

What about the days when we need to break up with a friend?

Have you ever had to do this?

I have and honestly it is not an easy topic, it is not formulaic and it is difficult to navigate. I am sure some of you are thinking, no, we should never break up with friends. We need to grow, we need to forgive and we need to dig deep but honestly, there are times when that relationship is way over and no amount of helping it will bring into a healthier space.

Sometimes we just need to find the grace to move on, with courage, with forgiveness, with generosity and mostly with purpose. I found this piece of writing and so much of it resonated with me about this subject.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. — Unknown

It is difficult to accept when friendships change and seasons move, but sometimes it is just right timing and there is nothing you can do to change this moving transition. I have had this happen in my life and to be able to accept the difficulty of the moving season and to step into the new is difficult but transformational.

I believe it is transformational, because if we heal well in the transitioning of relational seasons, we open our hearts and lives up to new and amazing opportunities with new people coming into our today and our future. Unfortunately, if we don’t transition these seasons and hurts well, we build up walls, we sink into disappointed, heartbreaking places that stop us from trusting friends in the future.

I don’t believe in Best Friends but I believe that transformational friendships have come into my life for reasons, seasons and a small few for a lifetime.

Here are three positive ways that I have found helpful in seasons of transition in friendships.

1. Hold people lightly; In the past, I haven’t been that great at this. I like to follow people up, ring people and deeply invest in people’s lives. As I have grown and developed, as I have been hurt and let go, I have realised that friendships and seasons change. Holding onto a season from the past has been a deeply difficult way to transition seasons of friendship. So I have learnt to hold people lightly. If they are unable to be a part of my today, then I need to be intentional in letting them and the season go. I am learning to love people deeply but to hold them and their beauty so very lightly.
2. Guard my heart; I live a super intentional life in the realm of my soul and spirit. I am open, vulnerable and often care a little too much about what people think. I am really purposeful in allowing friends and family into the places that are difficult and show my long list of weaknesses. But I have learnt in this realm of transitioning friendships to guard my heart. There is a proverb that says it this way “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. There are times when my heart gets so very disappointed at the hurtful or spiteful ways that people can go about transitioning friendships and seasons. I have learnt however to listen but at the same time not keep opening up old wounds, by talking about them over and over. Also when friendships and people become vindictive, nasty and hurtful, I choose to remove myself from those situations. Breathe, allow space and to regroup. This is an important part of guarding my heart. There are some places of transition, that it is not our role or purpose to help people move forward. In fact we can make the transition even more damaging if we get too involved.
3. Clear Boundaries; I am learning that boundaries are not strict rules that control situations, they are clear guidelines that help create security and health. When my children know the boundaries, they know what I will tolerate and what I won’t our relationship and rhythm is so much more peaceful. I know clearly that my Mum for example will not tolerate swearing. With friends, if they know what the boundaries are, if it is clear what you are comfortable with and what you are not, the communication of the changing season is really important. For example, I would love to have coffee every few months, rather than every week. A transition of season is not the most hurtful thing, it is the communication of the change, that is often done poorly with self justification, pride and hurtful words. Be slow to speak, but still speak the boundaries that will define the new.

And more than anything don’t block, unfollow and just disappear. We need to show up, grow up and find our way through the awkward. We need to think carefully as we speak words that cannot be taken back and mostly we need to love. We need to love so damn big that people will feel it pouring out of our pores. But love my friends is not boundary-less and controlling and heart bared wide open for the world to see.

Hold those you love lightly, keep your heart sacred and communicate big, with ears that are listening to understand rather than respond.

These are my thoughts on breaking up with friendships.

What are your thoughts here?

Such a huge topic filled with so many painful and glorious stories.

Amanda

Eight weeks in and I have been to the gym each week on Wednesday morning. It has become my ritual, my reward and I finally feel like it is an anchor point to my week. The last eight weeks have also included, selling a house, buying a house, travelling to speak at a women’s conference, ripping out a laundry, smashing apart a bathroom, surgery and it has all made me feel a little unsteady.

I’m not upset or exhausted, just unsteady. Trying desperately to refind my place again. The crazy thing is when I personally go through seasons of change, I often decide I am going to question everything.

Where do I belong?

What am I doing with my life?

Who am I again?

And mostly how do I find my balance again, cause I feel unsteady.

I long for a steady place that makes me feel like everything is in balance, but I learnt a long  time ago that balance is unattainable. Balance is a scientific term, that requires everything to align, to find the right fulcrum point. We, however, are in a constant place of change, so aligning everything, to a perfect balance, is a shifting requirement and as soon as we have the elements arranged life changes. Other people impact our day, tragedy comes and life keeps moving.

These unsteady days I have been working on a new rhythm, one that doesn’t rely on anyone else to make it happen. I’ve been calling it my weekly scaffold. We have two professional scaffolders in our family and their work is all about preparing a place for people to build. It is when the scaffold is safe, secure and planned, then the building can begin and can be done with strength.

What holds the scaffold of your week together?

Rather than “How do I balance everything?”

What are the boundaries that create steadiness in the midst of your ever changing week?

These are some of the life hacks I have been trying to implement into the scaffold of my week. I am not looking for peace, balance or perfection because I know that life brings challenges, disappointments and decay. I am looking for great intentions that help steady me in the unsteady places.

Water;

I am learning to fall in love with water again. Water is a privilege to the scaffold of my week, not a right. And in the past, I have shrugged my shoulders when a drink is offered and it happens to be water. I even speak this way “I’m sorry, all we have is water.” If I am out, even if all I want is water, I will order a coffee or soft drink or anything but water. In other countries than my own, running water is a total privilege. So in the scaffold of my days, I have been increasing my respect for the gift of water. When I drink, I am engaging in the moment and being thankful that running water is a gift in my today.

Movement;

My weekly class at the gym has become the anchor to my week. I am reminding myself that being able to move, being a full-bodied adult is an absolute privilege. Watching the movie “Me before You” last week I was so deeply reminded that running, walking and moving is something that I take for granted. I have been learning to thank my body for the way it works. I have had such a bad relationship with my body in the past. Many, many times I have hated my body and felt like it has let me down so often. I have hated my metabolism, I have hated my legs, and I have stood in front of the mirror and seen every part of my body that I have not liked. I am learning that movement is such a privilege and I am changing the way I see my body and thanking it for carrying around this crazy, big-hearted life.

Music;

Just a couple of months ago I filled my car up with music that lifts mine and my children’s souls. I downloaded playlists and included a lot of classical music and I intentionally turn up the music and sing my soul clean as we drive around. In the midst of such drastic change and as we all seek to find our place again, we have been singing our hearts out to music that heals. These moments in our week, as we drive around have become our anchoring point, rather than a place of stress and hurry.

Rituals;

Each night as the clock swings softly past six pm, I walk from room to room and switch on lamps. I light candles, I spray essential oils and I change the night time atmosphere. Dinner is often done by 5.30 for the children and quiet time across our house ensues. I turn off the television, especially from the news. I detach my family from the stress that is pumped daily from our world that is groaning.

Sabbathing;

Another scaffold that has been firmly a part of my week for the last couple of months has been a sabbath day that is media and phone free. I am learning that being connected every day, every hour and every moment to the world that is shouting its opinions and ideas is not great for my soul. I need to detach myself from you. I need to be free from the constant buzz of noise. I need to walk and think, pray and feel. Sabbathing unpacks the parts of me that wrestle to find expression.

Mondays;

Every single Monday night we gather. My tribe gathers. Most of us put our phones down. Everyone brings a dish. I snuggle my nieces and nephews, I hear stories of netball grand finals and new obsessions. My Dad and uncle drink a bottle of red wine and the kitchen is always the place of secrets and hushed news. My kids run around in the garden, they run up the slide the wrong way, they throw sand at their cousins and we watch with a wry smile. We invite people into our little village all the time. Many of them don’t understand us and we are a little loud for others, but this rung in my scaffold is important. It is my anchor point that my life is built upon. Every week. Every silly Monday. We rock up. We pull out the cutlery, table cloths are swung over tressels and we eat.

Dancing;

My Tuesdays are for dancing. Yesterday we went to the parent teacher viewing of my son Maximus’s dance class and it was hilarious. Apparently, he is up the front of the class every week as the assistant teacher. He doesn’t like being in the line with the other children. Tuesday morning, I dress up my little Libby and together we dance around. Often in the most stressed out times, you will find a dance party ensuing in our house. Music is lifted, shoes are kicked off and we dance away the pain. Dancing stupid dances that make us feel free. Dance is a scaffold piece to our week and it is one of my favourite parts.

Little Tidies;

Every morning, before I leave the bedroom I make the bed. It is a simple little tidy, that changes the way my day begins. Every night, before I settle in to write, knit or watch my favourite shows I do a little whirlwind tidy. Dishes are washed, clothes are taken to the laundry. My little burst of tidies, keep my house in order but more than this I feel so much more able to relax and ease into my night time rituals and eventually fall asleep. It is funny, whilst chatting with a friend at the gym this morning I realised why I have struggled to write through this season of transition. I am struggling to write because our office studio is full of all the bits and bobs in our house that haven’t found their place yet. We struggle to express ourselves fully, sleep fully and find the peace we are looking for because there are places in our spaces that are disorganised and chaotic. Little tidies, every single day, create a scaffold of inspiration for our week.

5 mins with Kym;

Every weekday, pretty much without fail, one of my closest friends calls me. We now live in different cities with different time zones, with four babies between us and a whole heap of entrepreneurial-ing. Every day as she is driving home to pick up her babes from daycare, we have a chat. We have a theme song “five minutes with Kym.” and we sing away, then we quickly debrief the happenings in our today. We talk about everything random and then sometimes it is just so deep and pain filled. But my five minutes with Kym is my little lifeline. She’s a scaffold in my day and I am so grateful for her beautiful presence in my daily life. We never talk longer than five minutes but it changes my crazy 4pm wrestles. She makes me feel okay in the midst of my unsteadiness.

Hugs;

Every single morning I demand a long hug from my children on the couch. My husband makes me a coffee and I say their name individually and they come hug. We breathe, we snuggle and we wait. They pull away and then I pull them back again. I ask them how much I love them and often the answer is one million Jetstar aeroplanes. At the end of the day, no matter what has happened in the crazy of the day, I hug my person. I hug him for more than a few seconds. We realign ourselves. We remind ourselves and I always tell him how proud I am of him and his amazing pursuits. I tell him that we are grateful for how hard he works for our family. We lean in. We thank and we say goodbye to the day. Every single day.

These are ten little life hacks that are imperative pieces in the structure of my week. They make me feel steady even when everything around me is falling. They are places of comfort because they create the structure of our families week.

What is the scaffold of your week?

What are ten things you do every single week that create security and comfort?

These, my friends, are the things that bring a feeling of balance, even when everything is changing and shifting.

Speak again tomorrow

Amanda